


One Last Time

by TheNarrative



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, F/F, OITNB - Freeform, Pipex, Romance, nicky x lorna, vauseman - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 14:43:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 65,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2511437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNarrative/pseuds/TheNarrative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>OitNB fanfic. Vauseman centric. Takes place right after the last episode of season 1 so beware of spoilers if you haven't watched it yet. Planning to make this nice and long, so far written in Alex's POV as I don't think there are enough of them around. Rated M for language and violence. None of the characters in this story belong to me. First ever fanfic so be gentle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where Do I Even Start

**Author's Note:**

> Repost from fanfiction.net, figured I would post this here too - it was my first ever fic so be kind! I am very aware that it is far from perfect and have done my best to re-format it but eh.

Alex stared into empty space, wondering how she'd managed to get into such a mess. Being in prison, she could deal with but life never seemed to stop trying to bring her down. The first blow was her mum, then it was Piper, then it was prison and then it was Piper and goddamn fucking Larry. How she could even be with such a whiny and pathetic man was beyond her - but Alex was done trying with Piper Chapman. That girl deserved not a single second more of her time. She still couldn't believe that even after how far they had come over the last month, she was just able to throw it all away in some desperate attempt to save a relationship that was never going to work. Alex sighed, scolding herself internally for still thinking about her. She had better things to do then trying to figure out Chapman. She lay back on her bed and buried her head into her pillow - as great as Nicky was with the whole comforting thing, nothing seemed to make Alex feel better. Besides alcohol, of course. Unfortunately alcohol was rather rare to come by.

The next morning, Alex woke groggily from her sleep. She got up slowly, dressed and headed straight to breakfast - she didn't feel like having a shower today. She got her customary one piece of fruit and sat down at a table by herself. As she was eating, she scanned the canteen, it was still pretty empty - the only people in there being Nichols, Morello and Piper, who sat on her own table. Hunched over her food. Alex's eyes lingered on Piper for a moment before she shook her head and resigned herself to concentrating as much as she could on her food. She could feel eyes burning into her, but she ignored the feeling. She finished most of her food, standing up to throw the rest away and then walking back to her cube. She slumped back down onto the bed, looking at her meager possessions.  
"I fucking  _hate_  prison." She muttered under her breath. Reaching over to her drawer, she grabbed her book and found her page, starting to read. Alex read for the rest of the breakfast period and then the bell rung for work. She sighed, chucked her book down on her bed and stalked down to the laundry room. She didn't particularly enjoy her job, but it was better than most - she had to admit. She got to stand in peace for most of the day in a warm room, and there was always something for her to do which meant less time for her to brood. Of course, the only down side was that she had to work with Pennsatucky and her bible basher buddy Leanne.

"God" She sighed as she began to fold laundry; still groggy from sleep.

"You better be sayin' that to praise the Great Lord!" A voice shouted from outside the door.

Alex rolled her eyes; it wasn't hard to figure out who that was. "Shut up Pennsatucky," She spat, "I'm not in the mood for your shit today."

"Ooooh, well - you might want to be in the mood or else I'm gonna get college stuck in the SHU  _forever_ " A bruised and purple faced Pennsatucky drawled as she entered the room, a smug smile already stamped on her face.

"What?" Alex asked, confused as to why her face was the colour of an eggplant and slightly annoyed at the turn the conversation had taken.

"Oh yeah, that's right - you see these bruises?" Pennsatucky gestured to her face, "Oh yeah, they're all your precious Chapman's work." She snickered.

"Yeah right, very funny." Alex retorted, "Shut the fuck up about her and let me get on with work, okay?"

Pennsatucky looked almost disappointed that Alex didn't rise to her taunts but she knew better by now than to push her luck with Vause. She didn't want a repeat, she had to wash her mouth out ten times after Vause had kissed her in the canteen. There was no way Vause wasn't going to hell for that.

Pennsatucky's words bothered Alex though, that much was clear. As she got on with her work, finally left in peace, she couldn't help but think back to the Christmas pageant, trying to remember if Piper was there or not. She could have sworn she saw her sitting at the top near the doors but she had vanished near the end. 

"Fuck" she muttered to herself, she had to stop herself from dropping the laundry and running to find her - no doubt Pennsatucky would have taken out her revenge by now. "Stay calm Alex. She got herself into this mess..." She reminded herself. When lunch came around though it was all Alex could do to stop herself from sprinting towards the canteen, she had to find Piper and just see her to know that she was okay. Her eyes scanned the room and the blonde haired woman was nowhere to be seen. Alex saw Nicky though and strode towards her.

"Hey," Alex said, not waiting to give Nicky a chance to reply. "Have you seen Piper? It's an emergency." Alex did her best to keep her tone relaxed but she knew that her eyes gave away the panic she felt inside. 

"She wasn't at work today, last place I saw her was in the corridor that heads out towards the track." Nicky responded, "What's so important anyway?" She asked after.

Alex nodded, chewing the inside of her cheek as she processed the information. "I just need her to tell me about something that happened before..before here.. but I guess it can wait." Alex shrugged doing her best to act nonchalant about it. It wasn't easy. Any appetite she once had was gone and so she just sat down at the table with Nicky, Morello and the rest and watched them eat. The lunch hour seemed to tick by slower than ever but soon enough it was over and Alex raced out of the canteen and towards the track.

It didn't take Alex long to find piper, leaning against a tree. As far as she could tell, she looked fine. There were no visible marks on her face. She stopped walking far enough that Piper wouldn't notice her standing and watching. She heard the door behind her open and Morello's voice quietly reached out to her, asking if she was okay. Alex only managed a nod before she turned around to look at her friend.

"Can you go and check on Piper? I'm worried about her... but don't tell her that." Alex asked, she knew Morello would do it and so walked back inside without waiting for an answer; she headed straight for the laundry room to find that Pennsatucky was gone.

"Where's your crazy purple friend?" She spoke out loud towards Leanne.

"Infirmary." The woman replied bluntly.

Alex sighed and went about her work as the hours ticked on, finally it was time for dinner. There was no sign of Piper again and so Alex went and found Morello, asking her about what happened.

Morello smiled happily at her friend, "She just said that she was thinking and she didn't have to work because she was throwing up all morning after breakfast." Morello paused to pick up her tray, "Probably just some new stomach bug going around." She dismissed, walking over to the table to eat.

Alex smiled and thanked her before walking out of the canteen and down towards the Ghetto dorm, and towards Piper's cube. As much as she was angry with the blonde woman, she just had to see if Pennsatucky was really telling the truth. Alex walked quietly into the dorm and closer towards Piper's cube. She looked over the small wall at the sleeping woman she so loved but hated at the same time and saw, just as she had seen before, that she looked fine. Tired, but fine. As Piper rolled over though, she saw pain flash over her face even in her unconscious state and as her arms moved to cover her ribs Alex saw the cuts and bruises that distinctly marked each knuckle. Alex brought her hands up to her head and massaged her temples. ' _What have you done, pipes?_ ' She thought to herself. She walked into Piper's cube, still being quiet so she wouldn't wake her and took a closer look. She gently nudged the bottom of Piper's top up to the see what appeared to be the end of a very long, painful bruise that must run the whole side of her body. Alex could tell it was on both sides - the uncomfortable way Piper was laying on her bunk was proof enough.

"Thought you didn't want anything to do with me." Piper muttered without opening her eyes.

"I don't," Alex replied cooly, glad that Piper hadn't opened her eyes and seen the distraught look in her own pair. "Just had to check that you really had got yourself into another fucking mess." She continued before getting up, turning on her heel and walking out of the dorm and towards the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one! Please rate and let me know what you think of it so far, I'm debating about switching POV between Alex and Piper but I'm not too sure yet!  
> It's my first time writing fan-fiction so please be kind and any tips would be much appreciated! Doing my best to stick true to the characters as they are presented in the show, hopefully I've done them some justice so far.  
> Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more!


	2. We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow

Alex was halfway across the dorm and away from Piper when she heard her small voice call out to her, "Alex? Please don't leave me..."

Alex could practically hear the pain in her voice then. She halted, closing her eyes and clenching her jaw. Damn this woman for having immeasurable amounts of power over her. Damn her and her weakness. Just damn it all. Alex turned and slowly started to walk back towards Piper and soon enough she was stood before her again. "What do you want from me Piper?" She begun, looking down at the blonde's small frame on the bed. "The face I came to check on doesn't mean that I've suddenly forgiven you, in case you hadn't noticed it was barely even 48 hours ago that you basically told me to go fuck myself!" Alex had to take a breath to calm herself, she was a mess today and she was starting to regret going to check on Piper's well-being.

"That's not fair, Alex..." She muttered in response.

Alex couldn't help the laugh that escaped from her own thought at the ridiculousness of what Piper had just said. "Are you fucking kidding me?" She retorted, "I'll tell you what's not fucking fair... You walking out on me,  _again_." Alex's voice was cold again. She walked back out, ignoring the pleas for her to come back. Yes, checking on Piper had been a mistake, one that Alex resolved she would never make again.

* * *

 

Alex had been able to avoid Piper for the rest of the week. She woke up extra early in the mornings to avoid her in the showers, always sat with her back to her in the canteen. The only time where Alex was unable to avoid Piper was when her laundry day came around, but even then there was no eyes contact – no contact at all. Just the silent exchange of laundry for ticket and ticket for laundry. So when Alex was woken and dragged from her warm bunk by Nicky at 5 in the morning on Sunday she thought no less of it than Nicky was lonely and was using Alex as an fix for that. Alex would never say no. That thought almost made Alex smirk as she was dragged down towards the laundry room, had she been awake enough she was sure she would have made some snarky comment about the situation. Right when they got to the door leading into the laundry room, Nicky halted and spun around to face Alex. Alex frowned at the crazed blonde as Nicky planted her hands firmly on Alex's shoulders. Alex hadn't noticed the grim look she held before.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, now assuming that it had something to do with Morello.

"Just… Please don't freak out, okay?" Was all Nicky had said before leading Alex into the laundry room.

Alex looked around with care now, suddenly awake and very aware that something bad had either happened or was about to happen. She didn't even think about Piper until she heard her soft, murmuring voice from the back end of the room. Alex stopped walking, pulling Nicky to a halt. "Nicky…." She began.

"Alex no, it's not what you think okay? You need to see this." Nicky's voice was urgent and that was about the only thing that persuaded Alex to carry on walking. She knew that Nicky wouldn't drag her to see Piper if it wasn't for a good reason.

Alex walked slowly around the washers and she saw Piper cowering in the corner of the room, knees hunched to her chest and her face buried in her arms. Morello was sitting next to her, rubbing her back and telling her that it was all going to be fine and that they would be able to figure something out. "What's going to be okay?" Alex asked, her way of announcing that she had arrived. She was immediately suspicious; Piper wasn't dying so she didn't see any other reason why she could have possibly been dragged down here. She imagined that Piper's precious Larry had called her up again and let her down; left her after he had proposed to her. Alex almost scoffed; he was such a waste of a man. Alex was watching Piper though and she saw how the blonde tensed when she had heard Alex's voice. Alex narrowed her eyes as she tried to listen closely to what Piper was saying. She could hear soft cries.

When neither Piper, Nicky nor Morello answered her question Alex sighed, pushing her glasses up on to the top of her head and rubbed the bridge of her nose between forefinger and thumb therapeutically. No way was she dragged down here against her will to just be ignored. "Can someone tell me what the hell is going on? Because I have no qualms with just walking back out of that goddamn door and back to my bunk." She ranted, looking at all three of them in turn. It was only at the threat that Alex would leave that Piper finally lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy and red from her crying but Alex could see other red marks, marks that looked like the product of someone's fist. Alex closed her eyes and clenched her fists; resisting the urge to groan. She had been doing so well. She took a deep breath and looked over Piper again, she could see that her lip was bust and there was some bruising around her eye. Alex stood as still as a statue, fists clenched so tightly that she could feel her nails digging into the palm of her hand.

"What the hell happened to you?" She asked, keeping any emotion that she felt hidden from her voice. She didn't want Piper to know that she still cared.

In response to Alex's question, Piper just broke out in quiet sobs again. It racked Alex's heart to see her like this and she prayed that her resolve would hold out against this. She looked to Morello and then Nicky for an answer instead.

 

As Nicky explained to Alex every detail of the fight to Alex the picture of what happened vividly played in Alex's mind. She didn't need to be there to see what happened. She could see Leanne and her crazy friends cornering Piper. Dragging her into the laundry room and holding her down as they beat her. Two punches for each one Piper had landed on Pennsatucky at Christmas. She had no doubt that there wasn't a mark on Leanne but all the marks on Piper. Alex took a deep breath and tried to tune out the world around her. There must be some almighty power that really hates her. Suddenly Alex didn't know what to do, or say. She looked helplessly at Nicky – she couldn't look at Piper again. Sure that her resolve would finally break now that she knew what had happened to her.  
Finally, she managed to look. Nicky and Morello were now trying to bind Piper's angry, red ribs. That was when Alex lost it. She sprinted out of the laundry room, straight to the showers. She heard Nicky shout after her but Alex was fast and knew she had a good head start before they caught up with her. It would be enough time to do what she needed to do. It didn't take long for Alex to find her target, she was gloating loudly about "college finally getting what she deserved," and some god awful nonsense about "serving God's judgement." Alex strode up to Leanne and grabbed her by the neck of her shirt, slamming her against the wall.

"If you ever think about even touching a hair on Piper's head again I will hit you with everything you did to Piper, everything that Piper did to your psychotic friend and ten times more," Alex spat, cold fire oozing out. She could see the shock and fear in Leanne's face but that only seemed to egg her on, "Don't think that you won't end up the same way Pennsatucky did. You better watch yourself." Alex dropped Leanne and turned to walk out. Giving Nicky a steely glance as she walked past her.

"VAU-" Someone half-shouted as a warning, a warning that was too late as the rest of the shout was blocked out by Alex falling onto the floor in front of her, something heavy on her back holding her down.  
"What the…" Alex began before she felt a hand yank at her hair. Of course Leanne was retaliating. Alex should have known better than to threaten someone and then think she could just walk away without a scratch. She wasn't on the outside anymore. Luckily, Alex still had friends and she heard Nicky before she saw her.

"You better get the hell off of her now!" Nicky shouted, but didn't seem to wait for any kind of response before dragging Leanne off of Alex. Alex got to her feet and brushed the dirt off of her, she grabbed Nicky before she could do anything rash and pulled her away. She let go of Nicky in the corridor where it tapered off, leaving her to decide whether she wanted to go back to the laundry room or follow Alex back to the dorm. Alex didn't care about whether or not Nicky followed her. Right now, all she needed was to be away from it all.

Nicky came into Alex's cube about 10 minutes after Alex had left her. "Vause…" She began, leaning against the wall and staring at Alex intently, "I'm not stupid enough to think that whatever we've got going on here is about anything more than comforting each other but.. You gotta talk about it, I can see that holding all this shit in is eating you up inside." Nicky stated.

Alex scoffed at her friend, "Don't know what you're talking about Nichols." She replied stubbornly, looking away from her.

"Right, so that's why you damn near almost started a fight then? Because you have no idea what all this is doing to you?"

"Nicky, please. Can we just forget about Piper fucking Chapman for at least one day." Alex pleaded. She really was sick of hearing about her ex constantly. "She got herself into this mess, so let her get herself out of it." Alex turned her back on Nicky and closed her eyes, making it clear that she wanted to be alone and she wouldn't talk about it anymore. She waited until she heard Nicky's footsteps take her away from the cube before she turned again. She groaned, when was she going to be rid of Piper and just be able to live a normal life. Well, as normal as you could get in prison. The rest of the day went somewhat smoothly, Pennsatucky was still gone and Leanne did nothing but shoot daggers at Alex for the rest of the work period. Soon enough, it was time for dinner and so Alex folded her last uniform for the day and then headed towards the canteen. She arrived to a low murmur of voices – it was unusually quiet. She scanned the hall for Nicky and Morello and locked eyes with Big Boo who gestured with her head towards a corner of the room. Alex frowned and followed the gesture, she saw Mendez cornering Piper. Alex watched eyes wide as she saw the two exchange words before Piper nodded and walked out of the canteen; Mendez close behind. Alex could tell by the way that Piper was slouched and seemed devoid of any life that whatever was happening was bad. Really bad. She rushed over to the table as soon as they were gone.

"What the hell was that?" She demanded.

"They're taking her to SHU.." Big Boo responded.

Alex blinked and took a step back, she looked around the table and saw everyone's face filled with pity, whether it was for her or for Piper – she couldn't tell. Piper barely lasted two days in SHU before, Alex had no idea if Piper would come back out of there alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! Hope you enjoyed, took me a while to figure out the direction that I wanted to go as far as plot goes but I'm working on it and so far I'm pretty happy with it. As always, please review. I'll be happy to answer any questions you have and suggestions are always welcome. Stay tuned!


	3. Your Ghost

It had already been one week since Piper was dragged into SHU. Alex was almost mad with worry. She did her best to distract herself with work but the presence of Leanne always there nagged at her every second of the day. There was no escape from her. Leanne's smug smile whenever she saw Alex was near driving her mad and it was all she could do to think that it would help no one if Alex got thrown into the SHU too. That Sunday Alex was in the rec room, beating Nicky somewhat half-heartedly at scrabble.

"Oh, give me a break I swear the only thing I ever get is goddamn vowels!" Nicky growled as she stared down at her letters. When Alex didn't respond she looked up at her and sighed. "Damn it Vause, she'll be okay. Piper's tough as nails."

Alex smiled, appreciating Nicky's attempt to comfort her but she knew that Piper wasn't tough, Piper wasn't a strong person – not in the way she needed to be to survive SHU.

"I'm so glad college got thrown in SHU. She coulda' killed me; I always said them lesbians was crazy…" An all too familiar voice droned on.

The rec room got very quiet then; it was easy to say that Litchfield had been dreading the day that Pennsatucky got out of the infirmary and back into the prison. There was an internal groan as Pennsatucky and her faithful group of followers piled into the rec room and took up most of the space. Alex saw Nicky watching her carefully, as much as Alex pretended that she couldn't give two shits about Piper Chapman everyone knew that she was just trying to bullshit them and herself.

"Nicky, put your fucking letters down already." Alex muttered, doing her best to drown out Pennsatucky as she continued to slander Piper. Nicky put down each letter on the scrabble board very slowly, as if she was contemplating what each letter meant to her.

"I think it's safe to say I've lost this game, let's just go back to your bunk Vause." She said after a moment, discarding the rest of her letters onto the table.

Alex sighed, " _No_ , I want to play." She replied, putting down her own letters.

Nicky looked warily from Alex to Pennsatucky and then back again before picking up her letters and trying to form a new word.

"If she had just accepted God's LOVE then NONE of this woulda' happened!" Pennsatucky was almost shouting now and Alex could feel her eyes bore into her skull. Alex shook her head, refusing to give Pennsatucky what she wanted. "Of course, then nobody woulda' seen her for what she is… A stoopid, lesbian,  _whore_!" Pennsatucky continued, "You see! GOD TOLD ME! What she really was… And I saw for myself the Devil that is _PIPER CHAPMAN!_ " Pennsatucky had gone into full preach mode now and Alex couldn't take it anymore. She stood up suddenly causing her chair to slide back and fall behind her and she turned venomously to Pennsatucky. She saw her smile, showing off a great row of brand new pearly white teeth.

"You hate her…" Alex began voice cold and devoid of emotion. "I get it. No really, I do. She's pretentious, thinks she's too good for some people. Throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants and doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but herself. Sure, I can see why you hate, loathe and despise her. But I swear to God, yours and mine, that if you do not shut the fuck up about her right now…" Alex paused, giving Pennsatucky a cold and dark stare. "I will finish off what she started and your nice new teeth there? Well they'll look as bad as your face did when Piper punched your previous ones out." Alex stood strong, not breaking eye contact with Pennsatucky; she couldn't afford to look weak. She didn't want Piper to have such power over her anymore, that people like Pennsatucky could constantly use it against her like this. Alex would not let them win. Not again.

Alex stared Pennsatucky down until she and her gang left the rec room and once they were out of sight Alex stalked out, heading towards the track.

Alex slowed down as she got closer to the track and she sat down against a tree that stood facing it. She sighed and ran her hands through her hair before pushing up her glasses onto the top of her head. She briefly wondered how she had got into such a mess before she reminded herself that it was her own fault she was here. It was her who allowed herself to get dragged into the criminal lifestyle and while it was good, oh god it was good, she wasn't sure it was worth losing the one thing she loved more than anything over. The drugs had been a good escape for a while but it was their fault in the end that she got caught. She had already heard that a few others high up in the ring had been arrested and she knew better than to stay where she was but she couldn't get away from the drugs. It was a mere miracle that Robert had found her when he did... One of her most prized gay mules had saved her from the very thing that she thought gave her the freedom she had always craved and yet it had been one of the things that imprisoned her in the end. She could almost laugh at the irony. Alex shook her head; she didn't want to linger on the thoughts of those dark days. Alex let her head lull back against the tree and she enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her face and as she closed her eyes she almost believed that she was still free.

**"Alex? Wake up, Jesus!" Piper exclaimed. "We're going to miss our flight if you do not get your ass up right now." She said sternly.**

**Alex groaned and stretched on the bed, opening her eyes she caught Piper's eye and smiled groggily. "I love it when you boss me around like that." She laughed and held her arms up to protect herself from the pillow that Piper threw at her. It took Alex around 5 minutes to throw on some sweat pants and a t-shirt and tie her hair up in a ponytail. It was going to be a long flight and Alex didn't see the point of dressing up when she was going to be cooped up in a flying metal object for 12 hours. Piper was rushing around the house, making phone calls to her family so they would know she was still alive whilst also running back and forth from the closet to throw piles of clothes into suitcases. Alex briefly wondered why they hadn't packed the night before but then she saw the bottles of beer that littered the living room floor and she smirked, remembering why. Alex slouched down onto the sofa, kicking bottles out of her way, and yawned again. She never made a big fuss about travelling anymore but she had to admit that travelling with Piper always gave her a certain thrill – one she had never felt before. This both scared and fascinated Alex, she wasn't the type to tie herself down to one place or one girl and yet she found that Piper made her almost want to do that. They were flying to Borneo today, even though the island was fairly rural and very remote she had some big clients out there who paid extra to have Alex deliver the goods herself. Alex could never say no to an exotic holiday. Alex must have fallen asleep again because the next thing she knew was Piper shaking her awake again furiously and then dragging her up and down to the cab that would take them to the airport.**

**"Jesus Piper, calm the fuck down." She muttered once they were both seated.**

**"Sorry, you know how I get when we're not prepared and we haven't planned." She mumbled.**

**Alex chuckled, "Mmhmm, and whose fault was it that I was interrupted in the middle of packing last night?" She asked, arching an eyebrow at Piper mischievously.**

**"Shut up. That was so your fault, not mine." Piper blushed anyway, provoking another laugh out of Alex. Alex pulled Piper close to her, wrapping her arm around her shoulders.**

**"Looking forward to an exotic holiday?" She began, "I'm sure we'll get to know our hotel room very well…" She whispered to Piper who blushed yet again.**

"Vause?" A gentle hand was shaking Alex awake.

"Shhh, we can miss the flight..." Alex muttered, half-asleep still and not realising where she was for a moment.

"We can? That's good, where are we going again?" The voice asked.

"Borneo, we're exploring our hotel room…" Alex smiled groggily, she still hadn't opened her eyes and so when she went to roll over and felt her head hit something hard and definitely not bed-like her eyes snapped open. "What the…" She muttered and sat up, confused, rubbing her head.

"Oh Vause, you make me feel so special." Nicky laughed, placing her hand on her heart and pretending to wipe a tear.

Alex laughed and gently pushed her friend, "Oh shut up, I thought I was somewhere else."

"Evidently." Nicky arched an eyebrow at her, "So… You went to Borneo, I'm guessing with Chapman."

Alex groaned and stretched, "Don't start." She warned Nicky. She hadn't realised that she had fallen asleep sitting by the tree. The sun had gone in now and Alex shivered. "What time is it?" She asked.

"Dinner time. Come on, Red's got you something special." Nicky pulled Alex up to her feet and then led her to the canteen. Alex walked up to the line and got her dinner, noting that there was nothing special about it. What did Nicky mean by special? She held onto her tray and started to walk towards her table, it was unusually quiet as she got closer towards it and the women were murmuring something that Alex struggled to hear.

* * *

"Should we tell her… She would want to know… How would you feel…" Was all Alex could make out as she slowed her pace. When she was right up to the table she saw a few nudges and the murmurs stopped and were replaced by normal, loud, conversation. Alex frowned and kicked Nicky under the table.

"What are you hiding from me? And don't try to play dumb, I'm not fucking stupid." She said sternly, her eyes locked onto Nicky's face to catch any expression. Nicky's face didn't betray any kind of emotion she felt though.

"Red's surprise is in the kitchen, she said you should go in there when you've finished your food." Was all Nicky replied before joining in on the normal conversation with the rest of the women. Alex felt the familiar feel of worry knot in her stomach and she couldn't manage to eat as she wondered what was going on. She ended up passing the rest of her food to Big Boo before dumping her tray and then heading into the kitchen.

She scanned the room for Red and saw the familiar fiery red hair; the Russian had her back to her. Alex could see that she was talking to someone; she had anti-septic wipes in her hand. Alex halted on the spot, her worry almost consuming her. She didn't like the look of this. "Red?" She managed to quietly call. She watched at the Russian froze and then turned slowly and offered Alex a tentative smile. Alex tried to peer around the woman to see who she was hiding or helping but all she saw was a red looking hand. "Nicky said you had something for me?" Alex continued, focusing her attention back onto Red. Whoever it was – it was none of her business.

"Ah yes." Red began, still not moving. "I uh.. I wonder if maybe now is not the best time to give it to you so maybe you should-"

Alex had stopped listening, she could see the reflection of the person Red was hiding in the shiny counters. Her eyes grew wide as she stared. "Piper?" Alex asked, quietly, still looking at the reflection. She hadn't realised that Red had stopped talking now.

"Make her leave… please." Alex heard Piper say to Red.

Alex frowned as Red came closer towards her, " _NO_. Piper you don't tell me where to go! Piper! Why won't you just fucking talk to me?" Alex struggled against Red who was now trying to drag her away from the kitchen. Alex could see Piper now, she looked weak and had dark circles under her eyes. Her hand was cut. "Piper, _please_." Alex quietly pleaded with her.

Red stopped trying to drag Alex out and she sighed, turning back to look at Piper. "Do you want her to go?" She asked.

Piper locked eyes with Alex and something in her face changed. Alex knew that she probably looked pathetic but she didn't care. Not right now, anyway. "No.. let her stay.."

Alex rushed up to Piper as soon as she was free of Red's grasp and picked up the frail blonde, hugging her tighter than she had ever before. "Oh Pipes, I'm so fucking sorry…" She muttered into her shoulder.

"Me too, Alex. Me too." Piper responded, stroking Alex's hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to work on getting some longer chapters out but a little rushed for time at the moment because I have a shit ton of exams! I'm going to try and update this as often as I can though, apologies if they aren't very long but at least it's something, right? As always, leave a review and let me know what you think of the story so far. They encourage me to write! Thanks for reading :D


	4. We Were Lost

Alex silently cursed at herself. She knew she was weak and all of the excuses she came up with in her head couldn't convince her otherwise. What was it Piper had once said to her? That they were inevitable to each other. She was right, it always boiled down to Piper one way or another and as infuriating as that was, it couldn't be helped. "Damnit Piper, why'd you go and get yourself into such a mess?" Alex asked, her voice muffled by Piper's hair.

"Mess finds me, Alex. You know that." She responded.

Alex chuckled and shook her head, "Hmm, yeah. It was one big mess that landed you in here, huh?"

Alex felt Piper stiffen at that, she wasn't sure what Piper thought she was referring to but whatever it was seemed to touch a nerve because Piper withdrew herself from Alex and hugged herself with her arms. "It was my own fault that I'm in here. Thank you for checking on me, you've done all you need to do and you don't need to bother yourself with me anymore. Thank you, Alex." Piper said, her voice cold and her face devoid of emotion. Piper didn't seem to be looking at Alex anymore, but rather through her. Alex frowned at Piper's words. That wasn't the Piper she knew, Alex could tell that her face resembled the hurt she now felt at Piper's rejection and she looked behind her at Red and saw the pity in her eyes. That was when Alex got angry.

"No Piper, you know what? Fuck you. How  _dare_  you try and push me away again after  _everything_  that we've been through. Yeah I told you to stay away, but look at where that got you. I'm so sick of wondering all the goddamn time whether or not you're okay. I'm sick of relying on other people to tell me if you're eating, sleeping, whether your bruises are healing and if you're not fucking crazy yet. I just want us to  _talk_ , I don't care that you're getting married to Larry and even though it hurt like hell when you chose him over me..." Alex paused, looking away from Piper to take a breath, "I miss you and I just want us to be okay. Even if we're not the type of okay that I want." Piper remained silent and Alex could feel her eyes burning into her. Alex couldn't look at her though; she was sure she would break. She felt so conflicted, she wanted to be okay with the fact that Piper would never choose her over safe Larry and she wanted to believe that she would be able to be just friends with Piper. She knew, in her heart, that it wasn't possible. It had always been all or nothing with them and Piper's silence seemed to confirm this for her. She sniffed, put on her best poker face and stared Piper square in the eye. "But you know what? You want me to leave you alone, so I will. Then we're even right?" Alex wasn't really sure that even was the right word for what they had going on but it would have to do. She stormed out of the kitchen, pushing past Red and ran straight to the track. Alex hated to run but it was the only thing she could think of. She stared down at her feet as she ran, almost to the point where she felt like her lungs were going to explode. Alex dragged herself to her bunk that after dinner and fell into an exhausted sleep.

**"Piperrr" Alex sang into her sleeping girlfriend's ear.**

**"5 more minutes" Piper groaned, rolling over.**

**Alex laughed and shook her head, "Fine." She grumbled and walked into the kitchen. She drummed her fingers on the counter and looked around her apartment. She didn't feel like reading, TV was just a waste of time and cooking was pointless. She walked over to her laptop that lay on the coffee table and picked it up before falling onto the couch. She opened it up and went through her files, she huffed and closed them all after a moment. Working was boring too. She stared at the screen for a moment before going into her pictures. She found the folder that she had made that contained all of the pictures she and Piper had ever taken, there were thousands of them. She went through them one by one, year by year; smiling at memories made which led her to think about memories to come. She was so engrossed in the pictures that she hadn't noticed Piper come up behind her till she wrapped her arms around Alex's shoulders.**

**"Who knew Alex Vause was so sentimental?" Piper chuckled, her voice still hoarse from sleep.**

**Alex slammed the laptop shut, embarrassed about how lame she was being. "Oh please, you would flip your shit if I hadn't kept all of those." Alex replied, trying to play it off.**

**Piper wasn't fooled and she laughed gently, "Uh huh, you keep telling yourself that Al." She reached around to kiss Alex quickly before standing up, yawning and stretching. "I feel like I just rose from the dead, ohmygod."**

**It was Alex's turn to laugh now, Piper never had been good at recovering from hangovers. "Oh please, I was at least three times more drunk than you last night." She stated, putting her feet up on the couch as she watched Piper try to wake up. It was somewhat amusing.**

**"Liar." Was all Piper replied before grinning sweetly at Alex. She ran her hands through her hair and then suddenly launched herself over the couch, landing heavily on top of Alex. The result leaving Alex winded.**

**"Piper..." Alex breathed, flailing around on the couch as she tried to get her breath back. "Are you kidding me?" She moaned at her girlfriend, trying not to laugh for fear that she would lost all ability to get any kind of oxygen back into her lungs.**

**Piper almost fell off of Alex laughing, "You...Should...Have seen...Your...Face!" She managed to say between fits of laughter. She then tried to do an imitation of what Alex's face had looked like that sent her into yet another fit of laughter. Alex pushed Piper off of the sofa then, laughing now too.**

**"Well you woulda' looked that way too if someone damn near knocked all the air out of you!" She defended herself, "Piper. I could have died." Alex placed a hand on her heart, doing her best to look serious.**

**Piper sobered up a little and wrapped her arms around Alex's waste. "I'm so sorry, baby. You know I just love it when I get you all breathless like that." Piper exploded into another fit of laughter as Alex pushed her away again, laughing.**

**"Bitch." Alex teased.**

Alex sat up from her bed, feeling the ache from her run in her calves. She tried to wipe that sad look off of her face that her dream, or rather memory, had provoked. She made a note never to run till she was out of air again. She gathered her shower stuff and walked straight into the bathrooms, it was still early so she didn't have to wait before getting into the hot water. She thought about how Piper had told her what Crazy Eyes said to her that one night in the bathroom. 'You gotta start from the inside or you'll get the clean dirty.' She liked that. Alex knew that she had a lot of shit in her life, stuff that wasn't clean in both senses of the word. She had no desire to make any contact with the outside world but she knew that she couldn't avoid it forever. She wrote a few letters once she was done with her shower, one to Robert and another to her aunt and cousins. She even debated about writing to her dad for a moment but she dismissed that idea almost as soon as it came into her head. She wanted nothing to do with him. When she was done, she went and found Nicky and they walked to breakfast together. Talking about nothing. She liked that about Nicky, they didn't always have to have something to talk about. They could just talk about everything and nothing. They were laughing together when they entered the canteen. Alex scanned the room as she always did now. Locating Pennsatucky and her gang and Piper and her own friends. She nodded once to herself seemingly satisfied that Piper was with Morello and so wouldn't be bothered by anyone. As she was looking over there, she saw Morello look her way except it was an odd look and Alex turned to Nicky about to ask her why Morello was looking at her that way when she saw Nicky staring straight back at Morello. Alex realised then that the look hadn't been shared with her but rather Nicky. She waited until Nicky looked at her and then raised a brow quizzically at her.

Nicky shrugged, "She told me she broke up with Christopher." She stated.

"Oh, right well that's good." Alex paused, "I mean, for you... right?"

Nicky laughed, "Sure. Now I get to be her fuckbuddy again. Great." She walked towards the line to get her breakfast.

Alex frowned, deciding that she would ask Nicky about it later. Once they had both gotten their food they sat down at the table with Piper, Morello, Big Boo and Yoga Jones. Alex didn't acknowledge Piper's presence and did her best to avoid looking towards her at all times. She didn't want to look weak, not again.

"Oh!" Nicky exclaimed, making everyone jump. "I completely forgot!"

The whole table looked at Nicky confused.

"What? Can't a bitch be forgetful sometimes?" She defended herself as the rest of the table went back to eating. "Vause, how was your surprise?" She added.

Alex stiffened and she saw Piper do the same out of the corner of her eye.

"What surprise?" She asked nonchalantly and went back to eating.

"You know what!" Nicky prompted, clearly not getting the message.

"I'm sure it wasn't the way you pictured it to be." Alex said simply before getting up from the table.

"Alex..." Piper began.

Alex held up her hand, stopping Piper and looking at her properly for the first time that day. "No Piper, don't worry. You don't need to bother yourself with me anymore." Alex repeated the words Piper had said to her yesterday, her eyes cold and her tone icy to match. She dumped her tray and then headed to work. She could feel the table's eyes on her as she walked out but she kept her stride. She could stay strong this time. She already knew that she was lying to herself though.

Alex looked up at the clock again. Almost lunch time. Nicky strode into the laundry room, Piper in tow. Alex saw Nicky and smiled, pointing towards the broken drier.

"Pieces of shit..." Nicky mumbled as she walked in the direction Alex pointed.

Alex went back to her work, trying to ignore Piper's glare. After a few minutes it was unbearable though. "Want me to give you a picture? It'll last longer." Alex snapped, childishly.

"A picture wouldn't be bad..." Piper replied.

Alex sighed and ignored her, concentrating on folding the sheets. She heard Piper walk but didn't look up till she saw her black boot standing in front of hers. "What do you want Piper?" She asked quietly, searching her face. "I can't keep up with your mood swings anymore. Just decide what you want and stick to it. I'm not going to be your binky anymore. I'm not some two-bit second choice, someone that you just use when things go bad."

Piper was silent again and Alex sighed, looking back down at the half folded sheet. She felt a hand under her chin that pulled her gaze back up. Alex locked eyes with Piper.

Piper's voice was quiet but the next three words seemed to fill the whole room. "I want you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, don't hate me. I know this is short buuuut I've got so much to do but I didn't want to not update you guys! I'm going to try and add more flashback scenes in here and there to try and expose the more sweet side of Alex and Piper's relationship that we haven't really seen/heard much of yet and I just enjoy seeing them be super cute :3 Thanks for all of the reviews! They really are encouraging and making me want to write more. I'm going to try and update this daily but that means that the chapters may be a little short. If you guys want longer chapters then I can work on them but it means the updates with probably be every few days. Let me know what you want!  
> As always, review and let me know what you think - I love hearing your feedback. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!


	5. Moments In Love

Alex just stared at Piper, wide-eyed and unbelieving. Piper's words played over in her head again and again 'I want you'. She had said that hadn't she? She wasn't just imagining it. Alex almost wanted to pinch herself to check that she wasn't dreaming. Here Piper was, being honest with her for the first time in what felt like forever.

"What about Larry?" Were the only words Alex managed to say, still somewhat in a shocked state.

Piper shrugged, "Me and Larry are over. For good this time."

Alex looked confused, hadn't they been about to get married? She was overjoyed at the information, of course, but it didn't levitate the confusion she felt at the information. Piper must have seen Alex's confusion because she went on.

"I told him someone was trying to kill me and then he just went on this massive rant about how I go looking for it and how he doesn't want to be on my ride anymore.." Piper scoffed, "Honestly, it sounded like he was just repeating something you'd said when..." Piper halted and frowned, looking at Alex.

Alex felt the familiar guilt, knotting her stomach as she recognised the words she had said to Larry when he came to visit her. She didn't really understand why she felt guilty, it wasn't like she'd told Larry to end it with Piper. She just made him look at the facts. "What a dick." She tried to play it off but she knew Piper saw right through her. Piper narrowed her eyes and stepped away from Alex a little.

"Wait... Have... Have you spoken to Larry?" She asked, her voice quiet as she searched Alex's eyes.

Alex took a deep breath, deciding that she would be as honest with Piper as she could be. "Larry came to see me after you told me that you picked him. He told me to leave you alone and I said I would, clearly that wasn't enough for him because then he got all mad and told me about how I was the one who seduced you in here." Alex rolled her eyes at the memory, "So I told him what happened that day that you dragged me into the chapel but that I was done with you because I couldn't survive another ride with you." Alex shrugged. "I didn't know he would go and do that." Alex did her best to keep eye contact with Piper as she saw her analyse her words. Probably picturing the scene in her head.

"It's okay. I realise now that the only reason I was staying with him because it was safe and the only reason he wanted to marry me is because he was scared." Piper looked sad for a moment but she quickly covered it up again. "It all worked out though, right?" She offered Alex a small smile and rubbed her cheek with her bandaged hand.

Alex frowned, reminded of Piper's wound as the bandage came into contact with her skin. "I don't really know what your definition of 'worked out' consists of but mine certainly doesn't include getting kicked to shit." She said sternly but took Piper's hand into her own anyway. "I heart you kid." Alex smiled warmly at Piper and then gently pushed her in the direction Nicky had headed. "Go help her before she drags you away."

Alex was in high spirits now. Her internal conflicts for the time being had been put on mute and she was happy to keep them that way for as long as possible. She didn't expect this momentary happiness to last, she would be stupid if she had but for the time being, she welcomed it.

* * *

 

Alex and Piper managed to be together for a whole week whilst staying under the radar. As far as everyone else knew, the most they had done to each other was say hello every now and then. Even Nicky was clueless. They both laughed about it when they were alone. They weren't keeping it a secret because they were ashamed but more because it was a thrill and Alex was still scared shitless that someone would come up and fuck it all up if they knew. Although she wouldn't admit that to Piper. They were together alone in the laundry room right before dinner, hiding behind one of the dryers. Alex was sure that they were going to end up doing it right there when Nicky walked in. Neither of them were aware of her presence till she shouted, "HEY! THE LESBIANS ARE BACK!"

Both Piper and Alex let go of each other immediately at the noise and Alex fell over in her rush to move away. She heard Nicky howling with laughter and rushed to her feet. "Fuck sake Nichols, you are going to be the death of me I swear." She sighed and looked behind her at Piper, grinning. Thanking the fact that they hadn't got too carried away in front of Nicky.

"Well, if you two are finished 'doing nothing more than saying hello' to each other, I believe it is time to eat." Nicky laughed again, grabbing both Alex and Piper as she dragged them out of the laundry room and towards the canteen.

"You would not believe what I caught these two doing just now!" Nicky exclaimed as they got closer to their table.

Big Boo looked at the state of Alex and Piper in turn and then just shrugged, "Shagging?" She said nonchalantly.

Alex grinned, knowing that Big Boo had just ruined all of Nicky's fun.

"God dammit, why'd you gotta ruin my surprise?" She sighed as she sat down.

Piper raised her hand, "Well we weren't actually shagging..." She muttered, her cheeks rosy red.

Alex laughed, took her hand and then led her to the serving line. "It's a shame Nicky came in when she did..." She muttered to Piper, grinning as the blonde went even redder in the cheeks.

**Piper lay in Alex's bed with nothing but her underwear on. They'd had a very long night and Alex could see the exhaustion on Piper's face even now. She smirked looking at her again before she got up and dressed. She wouldn't have to do any kind of work for another few hours so she took advantage of having some alone time and made herself some coffee. As she was waiting for her coffee to cool some, she walked over to her giant bookcase to the part where she kept all of her favourite books and a few that she had been writing in herself. Her finger traced over the spine of each book as she tried to decide what she wanted to read. Eventually she pulled out Animal Farm. It wasn't particularly her favourite book and she had only ever read it a few times but she enjoyed the hidden messages each word contained and the historical references. Alex was very much engrossed in her book but her eager ears still heard Piper yawn from the bedroom, the small creak from the bed that meant she had gotten up. The gentle padding of her feet across the carpeted floor. Alex put her book down, finished off the last of her coffee and turned her head to watch the bedroom door. Waiting for her favourite person to walk out. Soon enough Piper walked out and sped over to Alex. Alex's eyes raked over Piper - she was wearing one of her t-shirts above her underwear but that appeared to be it. As Piper got closer to Alex, she reached out and pulled her in for a hug. Her arms winding around her waist.**

**"Good morning, baby." Piper mumbled into Alex's chest.**

**"Afternoon." Alex corrected, kissing Piper on the top of her head.**

**"You tired me out," Piper giggled, looking up at Alex.**

**Alex smirked and arched an eyebrow, "Well, I hadn't seen you for two weeks. I was deprived."**

**Piper blushed bright pink as her mind flooded with all the implications that Alex's comment held. Alex laughed and kissed Piper.**

**"You appear so innocent and yet you are as far from innocent as innocent can get."**

**Piper pushed Alex gently and laughed, "It's only fitting that I be innocent. Imagine my mother's shock to find out her pride and joy was anything but!" She joked.**

**Alex rolled her eyes and pulled Piper back to her, kissing her again. "Hmm, imagine.." She mumbled against Piper's lips.**

"Helloooo? Earth to Alex?" A hand was waving in front of Alex's face, pulling her out of her daze.

"Hmm? What?" She mumbled, picking her fork back up and continuing to eat.

Nicky laughed and rolled her eyes, returning to her seat. "We were talking about..." Nicky saw that Alex wasn't really listening and then sighed, "Nevermind."

Piper looked at Alex quizzically and Alex smirked, "I'll tell you later." She mumbled to her.

After breakfast was finished they all headed back to Alex's bunk. They all listened as the names for visitation were called out and Alex was surprised to hear her own name. She frowned and shrugged at her friends before heading to the visitation room. She looked in through the glass to try and see who was here to visit her and her brows shot up when she saw Larry. Piper's name hadn't been called so he must be here to see her. She sighed and thought about whether or not she should see him.

"Oh fuck it.." She mumbled after a moment and then headed inside.

Larry shot up when he saw her, Alex didn't acknowledge him this time and just sat down. When Larry didn't sit she rolled her head up to look at him impatiently, he seemed to get the hint because then he sat down.

"Uh, hi... Alex" He muttered, trying to smile.

Alex remained silent, trying to think why he could be here after everything.

"Listen, I don't know if you've heard but.."

"You broke up with Piper, yes I know." Alex cut him off, her voice cold.

"Uh, right." Larry mumbled, recollecting his thoughts. "Well, I know that she's probably come to you about it and-"

Alex cut him off again, this time with a laugh. "Are you serious? Get to the fucking point Larry, I'm not going to be a messenger for you if that's what you want."

Larry shifted in his seat, annoyance showing through what Alex assumed was meant to be some kind of poker face. "No, will you just listen to me for a minute?" He sighed and placed his hands on the table between them. "I want you to leave her alone. Don't comfort her, I know she's probably pretty cut up about the fact that I broke it off with her and-"

Alex couldn't help herself as she cut him off again, "What? You want me to leave her alone?" Alex laughed incredulously. "For your information, Piper is doing just fine without you. Piper doesn't want you. Piper wants me. Whether or not I comfort her is none of your fucking business and so no, I will not leave Piper alone. She picked you, she told you that someone was trying to kill her but you broke up with her. The same day, that person tried to kill her, no they didn't succeed but it's a miracle that they didn't. So leave her alone Larry because you abandoned her when she needed you most." Alex took a breath, she felt better to get it all out of her system. She was quite proud that she manged to contain it all somewhat. Larry gave Alex a funny look and she steeled herself against his incoming rebuttal.

"Like she abandoned _you_ when you needed her most?" He asked bitterly.

Alex hadn't been prepared for that. She didn't know that Piper had told anyone about that. The shock of what Larry had said showed on her face because Larry smiled smugly at her and took her shocked silence as a chance to say what he wanted.

"You will leave Piper alone because at the end of all this she will come back to me. She will come back to me because that is where she belongs and once she is away from you she will forget everything that you ever had in here. I will make sure of that." When he was finished Larry got up and stormed out of the visitation room. The smug smile still plastered on his face.

Alex supposed it was a good thing that he left when he did because she was full of silent and dangerous rage as she walked back to her bunk. She sat down slowly, eyes fixed on the wall opposite her as what Larry had said to her replayed over and over in her head. He was right, Piper had left her when she needed her most but wasn't that her own fault? Hadn't Piper already apologised and suffered enough for that? She had. So what gave Larry the right to come here and tell her what she already knew. How dare he ruin Alex's happiness when she needed it most. Of course Alex knew that Piper would end up back with Larry one way or another because he was safe, boring, Larry. Piper had said it herself, she didn't have the balls to freefall through life with Alex and Alex had no doubt that fact had changed over the past few weeks. Alex was consistent and so was Piper. Alex tried to stop thinking about it all but Larry's voice pierced through her brain, her anger grew and grew until she couldn't contain it anymore. It was all so unfair, just when things had been getting back on track someone had to come and screw it up again. Was there some unwritten rule that said Alex Vause wasn't allowed to be happy for an extended period of time? It would sure make some things easier to understand if there was. Alex rubbed roughly at the angry tears that escaped her eyes and stood up suddenly, holding in the urge to just scream all of her frustrations out. Instead she chose to punch the wall.

* * *

 

As Alex sat in the infirmary, she stared at her hand. Punching the wall had felt good. For a moment. Then it hurt. Really hurt. She supposed it was better than hitting a person though. She could avoid SHU at least. The nurse tutted at Alex as she cleaned the cuts on Alex's knuckles and then begun making the cast for her now broken wrist. She was glad that Piper hadn't witnessed her moment of fury, it was rather embarrassing really. Who punches a wall?

It took the nurse about an hour to finish dealing with Alex and then she sent her out and back to her bunk while writing out a new prescription for an increased dose of meds to help with her 'need to harm herself' as the nurse had put it. Alex had almost laughed at the woman, if only she knew. She sat quietly on her bunk, cradling her now heavy wrist in her other hand. It was a pain in the ass, she wouldn't be able to work until they got her hand out of the cast so now she was going to just be bored stiff all day. When she saw Piper and Nicky approaching Alex leaned back against the wall and buried her broken limb under the cover of her bed. She wouldn't be able to hide it forever but she hadn't been able to come up with any kind of reason as to how it had happened other than she punched a wall yet. Nicky sat down on the bunk opposite Alex whilst Piper sat down next to her, she smiled at them both.

"Where you been, Vause?" Nicky asked, "We were looking for you after visitation was over but your cube was empty and you weren't at work."

"Yeah, who visited you?" Piper joined in.

Alex swallowed as they both stared at her, waiting for an answer. She shrugged after a moment, "Clearly you weren't looking hard enough. I was just outside." Alex avoided answering Piper's question for the time being, but she knew she wouldn't let it go.

"Yeah, so who visited you?" Piper asked again, putting her hand down on top of the one that was still hidden under the cover. Piper didn't seem to notice anything wrong with it yet so Alex just left it.

Alex sighed and let her head thump against the wall, "Larry."

"Larry?" Piper repeated, shocked. " _Larry?!_ " She said again, anger rising in her voice. "What the fuck was he doing here?!"

"Pipes calm down," Alex reached over with her good hand to rub Piper's arm, it was a little awkward but she managed. "He was just being an ass, no big deal."

Piper looked like she was about to have a fit so Alex squeezed her arm with her hand, she felt Piper squeeze her hand that was still under the covers but she was unable to return the gesture. That made Piper frown but she didn't say anything.

"What did he say to you?" Nicky asked, curiosity showing all over her face.

Alex shrugged again, "He told me to stay away from Piper and not to comfort her. He was being a real dick actually..." She glanced at Piper again, relieved to see that she had calmed a little. "He told me that Piper was going to go back to him once she got out of here..." Alex added after a moment, quietly. She looked only at Nicky now, too afraid to see Piper's reaction to that. She heard Piper sigh beside her.

"Well alright not-shagging-not-lesbians I'm out of here." Nicky smirked, obviously sensing that the two of them needed to talk.

"Al, you know that he's just talking out of his ass. He's pissed because I don't call him anymore and because I took him off of my visitation list." Piper comforted Alex, squeezing her hand again.

Alex smiled, eyes flickering down to her hand under the cover again. "It's okay Pipes, I'm not thinking about the future right now anyway. I'm just trying to survive the present."

Alex could see that Piper wasn't really listening to her because she was trying to grab Alex's fingers, eventually she gave up and moved the cover that separated their hands. Alex watched Piper's face as she saw the cast, first confusion, then a hint of anger before it went back to confusion. Alex wondered where the anger came from.

"The fuck happened to your hand?" Piper held it up, as if to see it better.

Alex cleared her throat and shrugged yet again. It seemed the only suitable answer.

"ALEX!" Piper demanded, giving her hand a shake.

"Hey! Quit it." Alex pulled her hand out of Piper's grasp and chewed on the inside of her cheek as she debated what to tell Piper. Eventually she just sighed and turned her head to look at Piper square in the eye. "Larry was talking so much shit but I was doing okay. I wasn't taking any of it - you know how I am - but then I got pissed and told him that he left you when you needed him most and..." Alex voice broke a little as she was forced to think about it again but she took a deep breath to steady herself. "Then he said that you did the same to me and it shocked me and I didn't see it coming and then he started telling me how you would leave me and I got so fucking angry Pipes..." Alex let her voice trail off and she dragged her eyes away from Piper's and down to her hand.

Piper put both of her hands on Alex's cheeks and pulled her head up to look at her, "What did you do, Al?"

Alex could hear the fear in Piper's voice and she knew that she was imagining the worse case scenario. Alex beating the shit out of Larry. The thought of that did make Alex feel a little better. "I punched a wall." She said simply, laughing sadly.

"Oh." Was a Piper replied. Then she smiled sheepishly. "Thank God. I mean, as much as the wall didn't deserve your violence it's better then you punching a person and ending up in SHU." Piper kissed Alex gently and then pulled her hand up and kissed that too.

"I'm hoping I'll start a trend," Alex mused. "This thing is heavy as shit though, it would come in useful if anyone tried to jump me." Alex grinned, pulling Piper into her arms and hugging her. Letting her fears go. They were okay. She was okay. Nothing would hurt them again. Alex closed her eyes and willed herself to try and believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a lot of fun writing this! Thanks so much for the reviews, it really makes my day seeing them. Got some good ideas for where I can go from here so stay tuned :D
> 
> As always, leave a review and thanks for reading.


	6. Only You

_So I will not ask you_   
_Why you were creeping,_   
_In some sad way I already know._

* * *

Alex was woken from her peaceful sleep by a heavy object slamming into her face. "Fuck!" she growled upon impact, rubbing the now sore spot. She looked around her and say nothing that could have hit her until her eyes landed on her cast, "Great..." She muttered to herself, she was literally beating herself up now.

Alex had had the cast on for a few days now and she was already furious with the encumbersome object that rested on her hand. Everyday tasks like having a shower were made five times harder than they needed to be and it also meant Alex had been restricted to only using one hand with Piper. All of the implications that thought brought made Alex smirk. She decided to get up and get dressed, yet another task made almost impossible as her arm got stuck in her thermal top about ten times.

"I can't wait to get you off of me," Alex growled down towards her useless hand.

Once Alex was dressed she settled down on her bunk and waited for Piper to wake up. She knew that Larry was visiting her for the first time since he had asked her to marry him and it was safe to say that neither woman was looking forward to it. Alex still wasn't sure why Piper had agreed to letting Larry visit her but as usual she was being stubborn and wouldn't listen to Alex's reasoning. Piper knew that Alex couldn't help but feel a little scared at the prospect of her seeing Larry again after everything that happened and Piper also knew that Alex was worried that Larry would find some way to bring Piper back to his way of thinking and that he would convince her to leave Alex for him. Again.

"Don't be ridiculous, I've made my choice and I'm sticking with it this time." Piper had said when Alex voiced her opinion on the matter. Alex had to contain the urge she felt to roll her eyes at that, they both knew how far Piper would go when it came to sticking with her choices and it was often not far at all. Still, there was nothing Alex could do about it so she just sucked it up and tried to decide what to do as she was still out of work for now.

Alex eventually got bored of waiting for Piper to wake up and so headed outside to the track, deciding to skip breakfast today. It wasn't a particularly warm or sunny day but it wasn't pissing it down with rain and so that was enough for her to stick around for now. Alex didn't enjoy running very much, it made her think of all the metaphorical running she had done over the past fifteen years. Piper had rolled her eyes and called her a pretentious idiot when Alex had told her that, but Alex new that she had understood. They had both been running from things for a long time, they had ran the most when they were together. Fucking their problems out rather than talking. One of the many mistakes that Alex did not regret all that much. It had played it's part in ending them in the end, but not as big a part as Alex herself had played.

Alex sighed and shoved her hands into the pockets of her grey hoodie, welcoming the warmth on her hands. She could hear the low rumble of thunder in the distance but she made no effort to move back inside. Not even when she felt the first drips of rain hit the top of her head did she move. Instead, she thought back to New York and her apartment and how at any other time she would have ran to the nearest shelter, take out her phone and locate the nearest coffee shop in which she would sit with a warm, black, coffee between her cold hands by the window and watch the drops of water cascade down the window. But alas, Alex was not in New York, she did not have a near shelter and she did not have her phone. There was no nearby coffee shop where she could sit in warmth with a coffee. So she just stood, and felt the rain fall. Litchfield wasn't too bad. It was even starting to feel like home. Alex couldn't help but think that thought had something to do with Piper's presence here, she shrugged it off. Preferring to remain in the bliss of the poetry her mind had made. Litchfield was home now, and it would be for a long time.

Alex walked back inside, her light grey hoodie turned dark from the water. her black hair falling limp down her back, leaving a trail of water behind her as she walked to the showers. She was undeniably cold now. Her teeth chattered as she took off her wet clothes and stepped into the shower, thinking now that it was a stupid idea to go and stand out in the rain for so long - the last thing she needed was to be sick and only have half an arm. Before long it was visiting hours and Alex made her way to the window that looked into the room. She watched Piper sitting at her table, alone for now. She chewed on the inside of her cheek as she watched the blonde fiddle with her hands and then her hair and then her uniform. She was nervous, understandably. Alex briefly wondered how Piper felt, knowing that she was about to talk to the person she had loved for so many years. Then Alex realised she already knew. She let out a small sigh and let her chin rest on the edge of the window as she watched. She had no visitors today and she hadn't had any for a while. She didn't particularly want them either, they were just reminders of the life she was missing out on behind the barbed wire and grey cement walls. She didn't need that kind of discouragement.  
Eventually Larry walked into the room and Alex was immediately more alert. Her eyes stayed locked on Piper's face, she watched as the variety of emotions flickered across her face as she saw Larry and then hugged him. Piper seemed to avoid looking towards the window, she must have guessed Alex would be watching. Piper and Larry talked for a long while, whist she couldn't see Larry she could see Piper. She saw every laugh and smile she shared with the man. Every frown, grimace and sad nod. Eventually Piper looked up and locked eyes with Alex through the window. Alex kept her face neutral for a moment and then did her best reassuring smile. Piper smiled back, but it was sad. A sad smile. That was bad. Alex's mind raced and she dropped Piper's gaze. She walked back to her bunk; she didn't want to watch anymore.

Alex didn't understand how Piper could do it. Make her feel as if she was giving but taking so much from Alex at the same time.  _But what is she taking that you aren't already giving?_ Her mind prompted. Fuck, even her own mind was against her now.

Alex lay back against her bunk, humming the tune to a song she had long forgotten the name of but remembered one lyric like she had only heard it yesterday.  _You are my life my love my only, and that's the one thing that won't change_. Piper had sung that line to her the day Alex first told her she loved her, it was rather sweet really even if it had scared Alex more than anything had before. It wasn't that Alex was scared of commitment or settling down or only fucking one person for the rest of her life. That didn't scare her at all. What scared her was how open it made her, how vulnerable it left her and how weak she became. Talking hadn't been one of Alex's strong points, she believed in showing not telling. As she so frequently told Piper. However, even she knew that talking couldn't always be avoided and even when she pussied out of talking and ended up saying things like "I heart you" it was always a comfort to know that Piper knew what she meant. They understood each other like no one else. It still felt strange to Alex that the one girl who knew her best sometimes seemed to not know her at all. Alex stared down at her hand as she let herself get lost in her reverie.

**"Well I'm sorry my love is such a fucking inconvenience to you, Piper." Alex snapped towards her girlfriend.**

**"Sometimes love just doesn't cut it, Alex!" Piper was shouting now, the rage practically dripped from every word.**

**"Well, it would have been nice for someone to inform me of that earlier before I decided that love cuts it every damn time..." Alex responded, weakly.**

**Piper actually had the nerve to laugh at her.**

**"I am so fucking sick of going back and forth like this with you Piper!" It was Alex's turn to shout now. "You knew what you were getting into from the moment you met me, I have never once lied to you about the nature of my work and yet you come around here and act like you're some high and mighty being, doing me a favour by being in my life and travelling around the world!" Alex looked Piper dead in the eye, "In case you've forgotten, my work just happens to pay for your lavish lifestyle so do not, ever, try to act like this is all on me."**

**Alex turned her back on Piper and stared angrily out of the window. She didn't like it when they fought but sometimes Piper was just so goddamn stupid. Piper had the nerve to get angry at her for working on a business trip? And then she went as far to even tell her that sometimes she wished she didn't love her because then she wouldn't be in all of this mess. It made Alex want to laugh, really. So much for a romantic trip to Paris.**

"Hey, Alex?" Piper's voice dragged Alex out of her mind.

"Hmm?" She responded a little dreamily, looking up at Piper.

"Well, Larry's gone now." Piper stated.

"I see that."

Alex saw Piper swallow hard.

"Well, do you want to know how it went?" She asked.

"I guess." Alex shrugged, trying to act like she didn't care. "I mean, if you want to tell me."

Piper sighed and sat down on the bed. "He asked me - _don't_ freak out please - he asked me to get back with him." Piper took a deep breath and looked at Alex, when she saw that Alex was choosing to stay silent she continued, talking faster now. "I told him that I had made my choice and that I didn't want to put him through another go on my 'ride' and the jerk told me that my 'ride was all he could think about'" Piper fumed, "Is he forreal?! As if he wasn't in enough shit already." Piper shook her head, "I just laughed; the idiot thought I actually found it funny. Anyway, he told me that he shouldn't have let what you said get to him and that it was a mistake to break up with him, especially when I needed it most." Piper frowned at that and looked down at her hands, rubbing her knuckles gently as she talked. Alex noticed she had been doing that a lot lately, especially when Piper was thinking about something.

"I stayed quiet though," Piper continued in Alex's silence, "We talked a little about old times - that was sad. I realised how much I had hurt him but I think I mostly realised how much he had hurt me. I was so blind before, only seeing things in black and white. I know that I can be a shit person Al, but does that mean he had to treat me like one? Like I didn't really exist behind the phonecalls and hour long visits once a week." Piper sighed and looked at Alex, desperation in her eyes. "Please say something Alex."

Alex raised her eyebrows and let go of a breath that she hadn't realised she'd been holding. "You hurt him, he hurt you, you hurt me. We were stuck in a shit cycle, Pipes." Alex stated, shrugging gently. She pried one of Piper's hands off of her knuckles and gripped it. "You're not a shit person...most of the time." Alex smiled tightly and then sighed, her cool pretense failing her. "Still sticking to your decision?" She asked, tentatively.

Piper nodded, "I told you. I'm not changing my mind again."

Alex couldn't help but hear the slight uncertainty in Piper's voice. She nodded anyway and offered a smile to Piper. She returned it easily.

* * *

_I will not ask you where you came from,_   
_I will not ask you and neither should you._   
_Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips_   
_We should just kiss like real people do._

* * *

Alex's cast was finally coming off today and she had planned her saturday to be full of secret moments of celebration between Piper and herself. So as she swaggered towards the infirmary to get the dreaded weight off of her hand you could imagine her horror to find that the nurse was momentarily incapacitated with the flu. Alex wanted to scream in frustration as she stormed back to her bunk. Halfway there though, she changed her mind and turned in the opposite direction to go towards the bathrooms. Alex did not know what possessed her to suddenly change direction like that but she was glad that she did when she stumbled across a half naked Piper in there. They were alone for now. Alex smirked and silently walked up to Piper, placing her good hand around her waist from behind.

"Fancy seeing you here," She murmured, her smirk only growing at the red tips of Piper's ears in response to her touch.

"Where's your other hand? I miss it." Piper replied, turning slightly to look at Alex.

Alex sighed and released Piper, "Nurse is MIA for a while it would seem so I'm stuck with this stupid thing till she gets back."

Piper gave Alex a sympathetic nod before she sidled up to Alex and kissed her. They were alone and even with Alex's useless hand, things were as close to perfect as they could get in prison. Or at least she thought they were.

"Disgusting filth," A familiar hick spat. "God is going to punish you two, send you straight to the fires of hell!"

Alex laughed and stood up straighter, pulling Piper behind her a little. She could sense Piper's silent protest at being pushed back like that but Alex didn't care, if Pennsatucky wanted to start shit it was going to be with her this time.

Pennsatucky took out her little toothbrush blade and waved it around, "You know, I'm starting to wish that I had used this that day I found you in the shower, College." Pennsatucky mused as she took a step towards Alex.

"One more step and you'll find yourself back in hospital," Alex warned the hick.

"I coulda just sliced you right then and there, BAM! You woulda been lying on the floor, red blood pouring outta your body as you slowly and painfully died. Alone and unloved." Pennsatucky smiled at the thought and continued to walk closer, ignoring both Alex's glare and threat. "I was so close to killin' you that day, you know? All I needed was a minute more and I woulda' had you. God's justice woulda' been done but no. God wanted to put me to the test, to see if I would stay strong and survive! And I did. Oh I survived the devil and more. So, now I'm gonna' kill the devil. I'll kill the devil's demon too if I have to." Pennsatucky cast a meaningful look at Alex, letting her know who she was talking about as she took yet another step towards them. One more step and she would be upon them. Every sense in Alex's mind yelled at her to get Piper to safety and for once she listened. So, in the only way she knew how she got Piper to safety. Pushing Piper backwards with her good hand she swung up her plastered arm and hit Pennsatucky square in the head. Alex's hand was healed enough for it to not hurt too much after the punch and all of a sudden Alex was actually glad she still had the hefty cast glues to her hand. She looked behind her as Pennsatucky leant against the sink for support and grabbed Piper and by the shirt she had just put back on, and dragged her out of the bathroom and back to the dorm. When they were back in the dorm Piper planted her heels into the floor causing Alex to jerk back.

"Jesus Pipes, some warning would have been nice." She muttered as she rubbed her arm that felt like it had almost been pulled out of its socket.

"You're so fucking stupid, Alex." Piper whispered, in a silent rage.

Oh shit.

"You realise that they're going to throw you into SHU now! What the hell were you thinking?!" Piper's voice rose a few octaves. "You always do that, act first without thinking of the consequences!" Piper threw her hands up into the air.

Alex was aware that they were gathering an audience, standing in the middle of the dorm while having an argument. Seems no one can resist some dyke drama.

"Well gee Alex, thanks for helping me out with the crazy psycho killer and all." Alex muttered to herself, sourly. Her heroic moment had been ruined by Piper's incessant worrying.

"Ugh!" Piper groaned and stormed off.

Alex stood and watched her go, running a hand through her black mane.

"Geez Vause, trouble in paradise?" Nicky's voice joked from behind her.

Alex chuckled and turned to look at her friend, "Something like that. I gave Pennsatucky a taste of my fist in her face."

Nicky actually looked shocked for a moment, "Why?" Was all she could seem to utter in response.

"She was waving around that toothbrush knife she had and then started talking about how she was going to kill Piper and then me, so I punched her and got Piper away from her."

"Uh huh." Nicky replied, nodding as she processed the information. "So, who's going to look after Piper and protect her while you're in SHU because obviously you've already figured that out if you're so eager to punch Pennsatucky."

Dammit. Piper was right, Alex never thought about the consequences. Not properly. The same way she didn't think that she would end up missing the last year of her mom's life because she was too busy transporting heroin around the world. The same way she didn't think that transporting heroin around the world would cause the love of her life to walk out on her the day her mom died. The same way she didn't think she would end up addicted to her own product.

"Fuck." Was all Alex had time to mutter as footsteps ran towards her from behind. "Fuck." Was all she had time to shout as Mendez dragged her down to SHU. "Fuck." Was all she had time to scream as she saw Pennsatucky cradling a bloody nose and a sick smirk on her face. "Fuck." Was all she had time to sob as she saw Piper turn away from her, in anger, sadness and disappointment. "Fuck." Was all she had time to say as she sat in an 8 by 8 grey cell with nothing to do but think and listen to the screams around her.

Alex had never been in SHU before and in less than five minutes of being here, she never wanted to be here again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating yesterday! I had 6 hours of exams to study for D: Luckily, exams are out of the way for a week of so which leaves me plenty of time to write! I tried to include as much action in this as possible to make up for the absence of a post yesterday, I hope it's worth the wait!  
> I will be moving on from the Pennsatucky storyline soon, sending Alex to SHU was the first part of that so don't worry - I won't drag this out too much longer.   
> For the person who commented on Big Boo's use of the words shagging in the last chapter, I am aware that it is mainly said by British people and I apologise for my slight slip there as I am mostly used to writing about British characters and, being British myself, the language/slang is going to sometimes slip through, although I do my best not to let it!   
> As always, thanks for the kind reviews and I hope you enjoyed reading.
> 
> In case you wanted to know where the lyrics came from that I used in this chapter, the names of the songs are below:
> 
> Like Real People Do by Hozier  
> Never Stop [Wedding Version] by Safteysuit


	7. One Way Ticket To Hell

_I wonder if maybe, maybe I could be_   
_All you ever dreamed_

* * *

Alex paced around her small cell. Pacing was not something she did before but with the absence of anything else she found it was all she could do. The only thing that would stop her from going crazy. She wasn't sure how long exactly she had been in SHU, time kept no meaning in here. The only measure of some kind of time were the three trays that came through the door each day. Using the trays as a measure of time, she had worked out that she'd spent almost a week already in the tiny box. During that week she had paced and done more push-ups and sit-ups than she had ever done before. The heavy workout regime was taking it's toll on her body though, especially with the lack of food in her system. Alex made a point to only eat every other day, she wasn't stupid enough to starve herself but she wasn't going to torture herself by eating the crap they served in SHU everyday either. As a result of this, Alex spent all the time that she wasn't pacing or working out trying to regain her strength so she could move onto her next set. Alex was sure that she was going to be ripped by the time they let her out of here. As she lay on her bed, staring up at the bright light on the roof of her cell she thought about her life. Every singular choice she had made and what she would have done differently. By the time she had regained enough energy to being her workout again she had about 5 different scenarios for every major event in her life. As much as Alex had made a point not to dwell on her past before, she couldn't help but think about the past as she lay in here. She knew it was destructive and she ended up hating herself by the time she was able to stand again. Completely isolated from the rest of the world, the isolation she had felt in the main prison was nothing compared to in here. Her dorm was like Times Square compared to SHU.

The guards allowed Alex to have a book, she was surprised that her request had been listened too, she managed to replace some of her thinking time with reading. That did her mind wonders, at least until she finished it that is. There are only so many times you can read through the same book that you only finished the food tray before. Another 21 trays came and went before the guard came to her cell to take her back to the main prison. She had been in there for two weeks, surrounded by crazy. Alex knew by the way her clothes hung from her figure that she had lost weight. However, she also knew that she had gained some real muscle so she didn't feel too bad. The fresh air felt strange as she stepped out of the building and started to walk towards the van, she hadn't remembered it to feel so pure before. She greeted Morello with a warm yet tired smile as she sat down. The woman didn't talk to her as she drove her back, obviously sensing that Alex just wanted some peace away from the constant scream and endless noise of SHU.

Alex was relived to find that they hadn't moved her bunk and she was allowed to return to her normal prison life straight away, she was thankful that they had taken off that god-awful cast the day after she was put into SHU. The prospect of washing and folding clothes all day had never sounded more appealing to her. Morello informed Alex that she had ten minutes to settle back in before lunch and then left her to do her own thing. Alex sat down on her bunk and welcomed the sight of the open space around her, she had never been so glad to see the walls around her.

"I heard you were back." Piper's voice said gently, carefully.

"Yup." Alex replied simply, not really sure where she currently stood with Piper.

"I missed you."

"Missed you too, kid." Piper smiled at that and told her she would see her at lunch. Alex just nodded.

Thinking about eating made Alex feel nauseous after experiencing the food in SHU, she hadn't eaten for almost two days now and she thought she should probably at least try to eat. She sauntered into the room five minutes later, eyes scanning the room. She saw Pennsatucky first, her face still held the purple bruise that Alex had blessed her with. Her eyes landed on Nicky next and she headed toward the suburbs table to sit next to her bushy haired friend.  
"Oh hey Vause, you ain't getting any food?" Nicky asked, mouth full of her own.

"Charming." Alex muttered at the sight and then shook her head, "SHU took my appetite for a while."

Nicky nodded at that and turned her attention back to her own food. There was something about the way that she was literally shovelling the food into her mouth that made Alex feel uneasy, Nicky didn't normally eat  _that_  badly. Despite her own feelings, Alex stayed quiet and turned her attention to looking around the canteen; she wasn't sure exactly what she had been expecting to find. She was only gone for two weeks, the world had survived without her. The world that was Litchfield anyway. She sighed and looked over towards Pennsatucky again, the hick seemed unusually quiet and Alex hoped that meant she would leave them alone now. Surely she couldn't afford another beat down, she already looked weak before Alex had hit her. Alex looked down at her own arm, noting the how skinny it seemed but also noting the defined muscle that was there from all of her hard work. As she sat on the table in silence she flexed and unflexed her arm, recording the movements her muscles made as she did each. It seemed it wasn't hard to amuse herself now. She supposed SHU would do that to anyone, stay in there long enough and even basic things end up seeming foreign. Conversation was strange just as the sound of her voice was. The noise in the canteen was different from the one Alex had grown used to in the last two weeks but she knew it wouldn't take her long to readjust again. The years of travelling and staying just about anywhere and everywhere had done that to her. It was only when Alex felt eyes burning into her that she looked up from her arm and at Nicky again, who was now glaring at her.

"Jesus, Alex. Have you even been listening to me?" She complained.

"Hmm?" Alex asked, confused. She hadn't realised Nicky had even opened her mouth to talk she had been so busy eating.

"I  _SAID_  me and Morello are back on, but you missed the great story of how it happened." Nicky pretended to pout, it was rather convincing and Alex assumed that it must be a rich girl thing. Piper was a master at doing it too.

"Oh. Right. Well, good." Alex replied, seeming to lose all conversational power that she had previously possessed. You'll adjust, she reminded herself. Piper came and sat down next to them, bumping arms with Alex as she did. She looked pointedly down at the empty space in front of Alex and made a disapproving face.

"Why aren't you eating?" Piper asked in a 'you should be eating and i'm going to kick your ass for not eating' kind of way. It made Alex smile.

"I did eat," Alex begun. "I just ate so fast that you missed it. They don't call me fast finger just for my prowess in the bedroom, you know." Alex kept a straight face as Nicky laughed beside her. Piper glared at Alex but couldn't conceal her smile completely. She had missed her.

"Your prowess in the bedroom? Please." Piper scoffed, playing along.

"I didn't hear you complaining." Alex retorted, raising a brow. "All I could hear you saying was something like 'oh Alex! You're so ama-'" Alex was cut off mid-sentence as Piper slammed her hand over her mouth, the tips of her ears a rosy red. Alex grinned at her win and licked Piper's hand so she would move it off of her mouth.

"Oh man, you two. One minute you're ready to rip each others throats out and the next you're just back to normal. Must be a dyke thing." Nicky commented sarcastically as she stood and dumped her tray. She returned just as Morello sat down and the two started their own whispered conversation. Alex smiled gently, she was glad that Nicky was happy again. She knew that she had been pretty cut up about losing Morello at first, Alex knew firsthand how it felt when something like that happened to you. When you had to see that person everyday. At least she and Morello had been able to conjure up some kind of friendship. Alex looked back at Piper. They had never been able to do that, they had never been friends. They would never be able to be friends. Alex reached over and enclosed Piper's hand in her own, intertwining their fingers, Litchfield was hell Alex thought; but Piper made hell feel like home. Alex watched Piper eat one handedly now and felt settled for the first time in a while, she regained some confidence in Piper that maybe she really would stick to her decision now. Alex wouldn't let Piper slip through her fingers again. If Piper wanted to settle down and nest then they would, if she wanted to travel the world without the restrictions of Alex's job then they would. Anything Piper wanted Alex would give it to her. God knows she still had enough money to do it. The feds might have found everything she had stored in the US and emptied a few of her bank accounts but she still had millions hidden all around the world. She had paid enough to have kept them secure, there would be no way she would go back to being poor. She couldn't bare to go back to that life, not after seeing what it did to her mom.

Alex wouldn't be able to return to work till tomorrow so after lunch she went back to her bunk, found a pen and some paper and sat there. She wanted to write, but she didn't know what she wanted to write. She could write about the life she would be living right now if she wasn't in prison. She could write about the life she would have lived with her mom, she could write about the life she could have lived with Piper if she hadn't left that fateful day in Paris. But she didn't. That was just another path to self-destruction, Alex reminded herself. Suddenly, it came to her what she wanted to write.

" _You hear me far-off, my voice does not reach you._  
 _Let me be calmed, then, calmed by your silence." - Pablo Neruda_

_Piper,  
I don't know what to write really. All I know is that I want to write to you. I don't particularly know how Pablo got into my head, I think I remember you reading that line to me when we were on our balcony in London. It was a little haunting, grey skies and rain pouring down from the sky whilst we lay under the shelter. I remember you talking about how it meant to much by saying so little. You thought it reflected us, at the time I couldn't see how but I think I finally understand. Our silence was our understanding, whether it be about my work or unspoken love. There was never true silence behind our silence because it always meant something. Even in the ten years where we didn't talk I still believe it held some meaning. You were never far from my thoughts, Pipes._

_We both know that I'm not great when it comes to talking about love and feelings. I know that it's something you seem to excel at. I want you to know that my love for you has always been infinite. When you left me in Paris... I felt like the whole world was moving and I was standing still. Before it was me who moved the world and then it was me and you. I never payed any attention to time, I feel stupid for not realising that back then our time had been limited. Because of me, because of my work and my belief that I could have everything I wanted and more without any consequence for how I got it. Remember that song you loved? World Spins Madly On by The Weepies? And how I made fun of you for liking it, it resonates with me now. I see now what it meant._

_"Everything that I said I'd do_   
_Like make the world brand new_   
_And take the time for you_   
_I just got lost and slept right through the dawn"_

_And I did, didn't I? I slept right through it all. All the time I could have spent loving, cherishing and making sure you knew that I loved you I spent on the phone or on my laptop. Organising the next job. I'm so sorry Piper. This wasn't meant to be a depressing letter. I just need to tell you all of this because most of the time I can't find the words. It's hard to sort through the darkness in my head long enough to land on something concrete. You're the light in the dark here Piper, you're there to guide me home. I act first and think later, I know it's my Achilles Heel. That weakness led me to you though, my weakness for young, pretty, goodie-two-shoes looking girls led me right to you and I don't think there is enough time left on this Earth for me to thank it enough for that. Maybe it would be better for me to address my next letter as 'Dear my True Love." Jesus, when did I get so sappy?  
You're the one for me Piper. I realise now what I should have realised all those years ago, I am nothing without you. Just a broken memory bent out of shape. I will do anything for you, whatever you want we will do it. Kids, house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, doing X on cambodia with three strangers in drag or just the beach. Anything you want, you will have. I'm never going to let you go again and the next time you try to walk out of my life, I will follow. I don't know if the same applies to you, but I cannot imagine my life without you again. I know that soon, I will have to. You have 15 months and I have a fuckload. I wouldn't ask you to wait, although it would be appreciated. I just ask that you don't go back to Larry when you get out and I'm still stuck inside. He doesn't know you, not the real you. He loves the idea of you the same way you love the idea of him. Find someone who makes your life exciting, find someone who knows when to be warm and comforting but knows when to be hot and exciting. Whatever you do, do not settle for anything. You deserve more than that, despite what you may think._

_Where do I go from here? I think it's time that I start to stop ignoring things. As scary as that might be. Maybe it's time to admit some hard truths. Maybe it's time for me to stop running. I thought I had stopped the moment I got in here but SHU made me realise that I had never ran faster than I had whilst I've been here. I've run from you, from the outside. From people wanting to get in. I ran from my mom in the end. At her funeral I wasn't even sober. I had lost everything. God, I was so stupid._

_I used to dream that I would end up at your door after you left me. I was never sure how I got there but whatever direction I walked, all roads took me there. I dreamt that you were home, alone. I would knock on your door and you would answer and look into my eyes and I would be happy. Then right before your eyes I would break. Just shatter into a thousand pieces and you would just close your door again. As if I had never been there. Is that what you really did? Closed the door on that part of your heart after you watched it destroy itself? I think that even that would be a little too masochistic even for you. Although I apologise for naming you and getting you sent to prison, I don't regret it. As selfish as that sounds, I don't. I never regret anything that leads me to you._

_I heart you, Piper Chapman. Always have, always will._

_Alex._

Alex smiled, gave her letter a small look over and flexed her writing hand. She took a breath and stood up, heading towards Piper's cube with the letter clenched in her hand. Alex was glad to see that Piper was still at work as she entered the ghetto dorm where she shared her cube with Taystee. Alex found the book Piper was currently reading and slipped her letter beside the homemade bookmark that lay inside. She felt better for writing. She wasn't the best or most sophisticated at it but she knew that it was therapeutic to her. There was something about saying something without actually saying it. Letter's suggest time, thought and love. Even when they were used so she didn't have to actually face up to saying it all face to face. Alex Vause could be a pussy when she wanted to be.

* * *

_"So I wait for you like a lonely house_   
_till you will see me again and live in me._   
_Till then my windows ache."_

* * *

Alex was working when someone jumped her from behind. She recognised the familiar touch immediately though. A knowing smile happened across her face. "You finally found it?" She asked.

"Yes!" Piper squealed, the letter Alex had written clenched in her hand.

"You know I wrote that about five days ago. What the hell were you doing all this time?"

Piper shrugged and released Alex, reading over the letter again and then clutching it to her chest. Alex could see the growing pools of water in her eyes and groaned.

"Please don't start crying, Pipes. I cannot deal with an overflow of emotions today. I had almost forgotten about how sappy I sounded in that letter." Alex shook her head.

"You meant it all though? All of it? You want to spend the rest of your life with me?" Piper sputtered, voice quivering from the emotion that overcame her.

"Yep." Alex popped the P, trying to downplay the situation. She smiled warmly at Piper though and upon seeing the love in her girlfriend's eyes that her answer prompted she dropped the clothes she had been trying to fold before and embraced the blonde. "You know, my mom once told me that we're all the hero in our own story, but I always thought you were the hero of mine. You saved me, in one messed up way or another, you did." Alex kissed the top of Piper's head and held her close.

"I love you." Piper's words were muffled against Alex's shirt but she heard them all the same.

Alex closed her eyes and smiled, feeling truly happy. "I love you too, kid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Thought I would include some poetry this time as we were exploring the more touchy-feely side of Alex. Hopefully it wasn't too sappy!   
> As always, leave a review and let me know what you think and thanks for reading. :D


	8. You've Got Time

_You get yours, I'll get mine,_   
_Then we run out of time,_   
_You're the only one that I desire,_   
_'Cause I love to play with fire._

* * *

Good girls do bad things sometimes. Alex knew that better than most. It had been the one thing she relied on each time she sought out a new mule. It was common knowledge to most that Alex loved to play with fire, especially when she was out in the city - in her element. In prison, her fire had been extinguished and she had nothing to play with anymore. She knew every aspect of her life at Litchfield, every day it was the same routine. Wake up, eat, work, eat, workout, eat, read, sleep. Of course Piper was there with her, that didn't mean that the familiarity of the prison routine wasn't starting to wear her down. Alex thought of herself as a sturdy rock positioned on the shore, the brave front that took the brunt of the harsh waves. Alex never imagined that one day the waves would start to chip at her exterior, making her vulnerable and small. It was with this thought that Alex looked upon her own life now, she was still the rock and the prison with all it's guards and confining ways was the sea. Alex sat up in her bunk and looked around her, she wanted to shout out her frustrations. She couldn't. So, she went outside to the yard instead. The lack of workout equipment in the prison was a slight annoyance but Alex managed to use the tree by the track as a kind of pull-up bar and so whenever she felt like she couldn't cope, outside she would go and outside she would stay until her limbs felt like they were going to fall off if she did even one more exercise.

As Alex hopped down from the tree branch she took a moment to get her breath back before using her jumper as a towel to wipe the sweat from her face. She looked at the track and watched Piper run, she wasn't jogging today as she normally did but she was flat out sprinting. Alex frowned and walked over to the fence that separated the track from the rest of the yard and watched her. It was a little fascinating to Alex the way Piper seemed to get lost in her own little world when she was running. She couldn't help but wonder if Piper really was transported out of the prison when she ran, she wondered if Piper felt like she was free and running through the park like she used to do. Finally, Piper noticed Alex and jogged over to her, panting heavily.

"Been a while since I heard you pant that hard," Alex said as a form of greeting as Piper got closer.

Piper smirked, too breathless to form a coherent reply. Instead, she just flipped up her middle finger at Alex. This, of course, made Alex grin like a child who'd finally gotten their way after hours of pestering. They stood in a comfortable silence for a while longer until Piper's breathing was almost back to normal. "What are you doing outside?" She asked.

Alex shrugged, "I was working out my troubles."

Piper frowned, disapproving. "I wish you would talk to me about what's going on in that head of yours." She sighed but held up a hand to halt any response that Alex was going to make, "I know. I worry too much. Shut up."

Alex smirked and reached through the holes in the fence to grab Piper's fingers with her own. "I love you though."

Piper wasn't able to hold back from her smile, "Yeah yeah. Love you too you little shit."

Alex chuckled and let go of Piper so that the blonde could join her on the other side of the fence, they hugged each other briefly before heading back inside the prison side by side. When they got back to the suburbs Alex smiled at the sight of Nicky and Morello cosying up to each other on Nicky's bunk. "Hey Nichols," Alex greeted. "Morello, good to see you've come to your senses about Nicky. I swear, she was driving me mad with her constant pining." Alex chuckled at the sight of both Morello's blush and Nicky's glare at her words. She held up her hands in defence as Piper dragged her away from the two. They eventually ended up at Alex's cube, they cuddled up to each other on the bunk, hands linked together as they sat in silence. Alex watched Piper, stuck deep in thought about something. They hadn't talked much about anything serious since Piper had found Alex's letter. They'd been stuck in a kind of honeymoon period again. Alex couldn't quite work out if this was a totally good or bad thing though, they both knew that they still had a shitload of issues to sort through but both appeared to be content to just ignore them for now. Why try to fix something that wasn't broken, right? They were broken though. Alex reminded herself. They were both broken beyond repair in one way or another. Alex's sigh at that thought seemed to snap Piper back to reality.

"Hey," Piper prompted to get Alex's attention. "You remember our apartment in London?"

Alex nodded, it was a big flat located in Sloane Square. It had cost her a hefty sum to get it, $9,677,250 if she remembered correctly, but it was worth it. The apartment was beautiful and she and Piper had been happier than ever when they lived there. It was their go-to-place when things got too hectic. Alex was sure that she would never love any city more than New York but London had proved her wrong. It was so sophisticated without being overpowering and the architecture was something she had never seen, especially in Chelsea. "Of course I remember." Alex replied.

"I was thinking, when we're both out of here we should go back to London. I miss it there so much. There was so much to do!" Piper lay back against the wall as she talked, letting herself get lost in her memory. "I remember the first month we lived there and how we went to the same coffee shop every morning for breakfast. And when it rained we sat out on the patio under that big umbrella. It was fucking freezing cold but it was amazing." Piper sighed and closed her eyes.

Alex smiled, she would have to call her lawyer later and get him to check that her "renters" had kept her London apartment in good condition. Alex hadn't had the heart to sell it after she and Piper had broken it up and made sure to take every precaution to make sure the feds wouldn't be able to get their hands on it should she ever get arrested. She was glad that she did that now, she would always have her and Piper's special place. "We can go back to our apartment, I was thinking of asking Nicky if she wanted to come over there with me when we both got out because we have that extra bedroom. I think she would appreciate the new scenery and maybe if she and Lorna actually stick it out this time they could both come with us. Shit, we could all be lesbian roomies together." Alex chuckled at the thought. It wasn't a particularly bad one.

Piper looked at Alex somewhat in shock and disbelief, "You still have that place?" She asked quietly, as if talking louder would make it any less true. At the sight of Alex's smirk in response she squealed with delight. "Oh, Alex. They would love it I know they would. Does that mean we really can go and live there again?" Piper sounded like a child who had just found out she was going to Disneyland for the first time. It did strange things to Alex's heart.

* * *

 _These hearts adore_  
Everyone the other beats hardest for  
Inside this place is warm  
Outside it starts to pour

* * *

Alex was outside again, she was going sit-ups this time and had almost reached 100 when she was interrupted by a large object landing on her stomach, winding her. Alex's immediate reaction was to push the object off of her and roll away from harm and it was only when she did that, that she realised the large object was actually Nicky. "Christ, Nichols. Are you trying to kill me?" She snapped, annoyance clear on her face.

Nicky smiled smugly at Alex. "Of course not, Vause. Just needed to get your attention."

Alex rolled her eyes, "And you couldn't just do that the same way any normal person would because...?"

"Because fuck being normal, Vause." Nicky retorted, holding out a hand to help Alex up.

Alex took Nicky's hand and let herself be pulled up as she rubbed her sore stomach. "What's so important that you needed to crush all of my inner organs for?"

Nicky shrugged and then looked at Alex curiously. "I heard from a little goldfish that you had an offer for me." Nicky looked at Alex expectantly.

Alex sighed, "Piper just cannot keep her mouth shut, huh?" Alex shrugged and pushed her glasses up her nose a little nervously. In truth, she had no idea how Nicky would react to her proposition, they hadn't know each other that long after all and there was nothing to say that Nicky liked either Alex or Piper enough to consider living in a foreign country with them. Alex took a deep breath and looked Nicky straight in the eye. "I have this apartment in London. Cost me a shitload to get but it's fucking amazing. Anyway, me and Piper are planning to head back there once we're out and... I was wondering if you and, if she wanted, Lorna would tag along with us. There's plenty of room for you two but I totally understand if you don't want to come with us. I know it's a massive deal, but I thought I would just let you know the offers there if you wanted it." Alex studied Nicky's face but whatever Nicky was feeling, she didn't let it show.

"Hell to the fuck yeah I would come live in London with you guys! I've never been to England before and living in a flashy apartment that neither my mom or I paid for sounds grand. I can't see Lorna objecting to it either, she hasn't really got much going for her to stay here now. Hell, neither of us do." Nicky sounded genuine and for once the smile on her face was neither smug nor sarcastic. It was warm. Alex smiled and punched her friend lightly on the arm.

"This doesn't mean that I've forgiven you for the damage you've caused my stomach though." Alex warned, her smile showing her playfulness.

It didn't take long for Alex to find Piper, when she did find her she kissed her and held her close. Suddenly the thoughts she had been having a few days ago didn't seem so bad and her life wasn't quite as dark and grim as she had previously thought. Just think of all the stories you'll have, she reminded herself. As she stood there with Piper in her arms she couldn't help but let her mind wander forwards to the future. Hope was a dangerous thing in prison but how could she not have any after everything that had happened. She could see herself in her apartment in London. Piper under her arm and Nicky and Lorna sitting across the dinner table from them as they talked about old times and remembered all the crazy stories that they had gathered in Litchfield. Things were going well and Alex would make every effort to see that they continued to go that way. Nothing was going to bring her down or threaten her new future. Away from all the bad, all that awaited her now was good. She was sure of it. A sharp shout from Mendez caused Alex to separate herself from Piper and walk alone to her bunk but even that couldn't put her spirits down. The rest of the day seemed to fly by and Alex couldn't help but wish the rest of her time fled by the same way too.

A week later, Alex's mood was still high. The days had become not so ordinary now as they seemed to have more of a purpose. At the end of this she was going to have Piper. It was only after dinner that Alex's world begun to crash down around her. She was reading a letter she had gotten from her cousin. Her aunt had died. Whilst Alex wasn't particularly close to the woman, she had been the only link she had left to her mother. Her father was a waste of time and space and she hadn't bothered with him after her first and last meeting with him. Her aunt however, her aunt had been her rock during the period after her mother had died. Right before Alex had turned to the drugs. She was too shocked to even cry or move or blink. Her cousin hadn't written much about what happened, just that she had been in the car and a drunk driver had veered off the road and hit them. The other driver died instantly whilst her aunt had struggled for a week in the hospital. She was in so much pain. Alex cursed quietly to herself, crunching the letter in her hand. She was furious but she had no idea why. She didn't feel sad at all. She threw the letter down onto her bunk as she stood up, chucking her books off of her cabinet and onto the floor. The mess she had created only made her angrier and she sped outside.

"Fucking goddammit! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" She yelled. A few guards looked over towards her warily but she just ignored them and headed directly for her tree. She looked up at the branch she used for her work outs and grabbed at it, pulling it with all her might just willing it to break. The branch bent but didn't break. Alex couldn't help but think bitterly that it was some kind of representation of her life. "Stupid fucking tree." She muttered, kicking it before turning and leaning against it. In truth, Alex had gotten on better with her cousin than she ever had her aunt. Her aunt had always judged her and her mother and Alex resented her for it. Her aunt never understood the sacrifices Alex's mother had to take to make sure she had food on her plate every day and clothes on her back. Alex didn't understand why she should care about her aunt dying when her aunt had only cared about her mom dying because it was a formality. Because they were sisters. Because it was expected of her to care. Alex didn't see how that could warrant that she could then care about her aunt. Fuck formalities and fuck family. What good were they anyway? It was only then that Alex let herself cry. Her cousin had lost her mother. Alex knew what her cousin must be going through and although she couldn't be there in person she could certainly call and write to her. Alex nodded to herself, wiping away her brief tears and composed herself. She would do that. She would do it for her mom and for her cousin. After a while, Alex was calm and cold enough to go back inside. She found Piper sitting on her bunk. All of Alex's stuff was still thrown all over the floor and the letter was still crumpled on the the far side of the bed. Alex sat down next to Piper silently and reached for it. She didn't open it again, instead she just stared at it in her hands.

"What happened in here?" Piper asked timidly.

"I uh, redecorated." Alex's attempt at humour was almost cringe worthy.

"Uh huh." Piper nodded. "Wanna talk about it?"

Alex shook her head and reached over to put the letter on her cabinet. "Not yet kid. Not yet."

Piper nodded and took Alex's hand into her own. "Whenever you're ready."

Alex nodded and smiled gently at Piper. Alex was the strong one, not the weak one. She had cried over her aunt and that would be it. She would shed no more tears. She had her future with Piper to look forward to. Alex had been weak, but now she was going back to being strong. She would rebuild her walls but she would make sure that Piper was on the right side of them this time. She wouldn't shut her out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Just a bit of fluff this chapter. I was feeling a little uninspired as to plot direction but I wanted to write. Hopefully this isn't too bad, I'm not entirely happy with it but oh well. I will learn from this, right? I thought I would also try to include more Nicky and Lorna in this too, so I'm going to try and fit more scenes with the two of them in. Pricing of the flat that was mentioned is based off of a real 2 bedroom apartment in Chelsea, London. The flats in London are crazy expensive but are absolutely beautiful. I chose Chelsea because it was flashy but beautiful and knowing Alex's love for good architecture, based on the few sightings of her property that we get in the show, I thought that she would have picked an area like that. In case you're curious about the house I used for reference in this story I'll leave a link to the online page for it here. ( . /buy/property/2-bedroom-flat-in-london,sw1x-for-asking-price-gbp-5,750,000-ref-2644133/ )
> 
> As always, leave a review and let me know how you think the story is so far and thanks for reading! :D


	9. Don't Say That This Didn't Hurt

_Don't say that this didn't hurt,_   
_I've cried all night,_   
_And now it's your turn._

* * *

Things seemed to have a way of getting fucked up just as life seemed to be going right for Alex. Ever since she had met Piper Chapman things had gone from great to worse to even fucking worse and just as they were getting great again they plummeted back down. Alex sighed, running a hand through her hair as she tried to figure out what the hell to write to her cousin. It had been a week since Alex had received the letter about her aunt and she was fed up of putting this off. She never realised it would be so hard. She started off with the obligatory 'sorry' and 'things will get better' but then she had started to pour her heart out to her cousin about how she had coped, not so well, with the loss of her own mother but that her current frame of mind was proof to show that time made some of the hurt go away. Alex hoped that it was at least part truth. She felt bad for her cousin, having to go through this alone. Alex knew how hard it could be, even with the support of your family you still feel alone, like no one understands your pain. Alex spent an hour writing her letter before it was finally done, she put it in the envelope and placed it in the mail pile. As she headed back towards her bunk she chewed on the inside of her cheek, thinking. Writing about her mother had made her realise she missed her more than ever, with Piper back in her life and some kind of future forming for the two of them she noticed that her mom had slipped her mind a little during all of this. Alex felt incredibly guilty about that and it must have shown on her face because all of a sudden Piper was there asking if Alex was okay.

Alex's brows shot up in surprise and she nodded, taking Piper's hand into her own and leading the two of them towards her bunk so they could sit down. "I was just thinking about my mom."

Piper nodded and waited for Alex to continue, knowing that her mom was a touchy subject for Alex. She squeezed her hand in encouragement.

"Well, really I felt a little guilty, you know?" Alex didn't wait for Piper to respond. "I was so wrapped up in thinking about our future together once we get out of this hell hole that I just completely forgot about her. I felt so fucking horrible about it, how could I forget about her?" Alex's voice was rising slightly now, indicating the stress she was causing herself.

"You're mom would understand, Alex. It's okay to not think about her all the time. Hell, I know she wouldn't want that, she loved you with every fibre of her being Alex and I know for a fact that the only thing she ever wanted was for you to be happy." Piper rubbed Alex's arm with her free hand in a soothing gesture, her words were calm and gentle but Alex could hear the truth behind them. Piper was right, her mom wouldn't want her to pine about her, she would tell her to get her shit together and move on with her life because the world doesn't stop spinning for anybody - no matter how fucked up their life is.

Alex smiled and let out a small chuckle, "I forgot that you met her. Jesus, how could I forget that." Alex shook her head a little at the memory.

**"ALEX!" A loud scream erupted from the door of a large Victorian styled house. Alex sighed and shared a pointed look with Piper as she parked the car and heard her mother scream. It had taken them a few hours to drive to her mom's house in Ohio that Alex had bought her as an early birthday present about ten years ago.**

**"Jesus..." Alex muttered as she got out of the car, waiting for Piper to join her before walking up the drive.**

**Piper was unusually quiet and Alex could feel the nervousness practically oozing out of her girlfriend, she gave Piper's hand a gentle squeeze as she directed them towards her awaiting mother. Her mom didn't wait for them though and she sprinted from the door down towards them both and tackled Alex into a hug. Alex laughed, letting go of Piper to hug her mom enthusiastically. It had been far too long since Alex had last seen her mom, their weekly phone calls never did their relationship any justice. "Hey mom." Alex said warmly as she pried her mother off of her after a moment to draw her attention to Piper who was now watching Alex with a small smile on her lips. Alex realised that Piper had probably never seen Alex so composed and relaxed anywhere outside of their shared apartment in New York.**

**"You must be Piper," Alex's mother mused as she appraised Piper. Eventually she smiled and embraced her too, "So glad to finally meet you, you're all Alex talks about lately on the phone. It's all Piper this and Piper that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love hearing how happy Alex is but it was quite hard to imagine one person suddenly making her actually commit." Alex's mother laughed, her eyes seemed to dance and despite the teasing tone in her voice Alex could see that Piper was genuinely warmed by her words.**

**"It's so great to meet you too, Ms. Vause." Piper replied politely, "Alex talks about you all the time."**

**Alex's mother looked pointedly at her daughter, "Hmm, all good I hope." She said the words with a hint of a threat towards her daughter before looking back at Piper. "Please, call me Diane."**

**Alex scoffed at her mother and walked back to the car to get their bags before heading inside, assuming the two would follow her. As she put the bags down in the corridor she could hear the distant babble of voices coming from her mother and Piper. She decided to leave them to it and headed up the stairs towards her own room. She had made sure that she had two rooms in her mother's new house, one for the old Alex and another for the new. She visited the 'new Alex' bedroom first and gazed over the warm interior, it hadn't changed at all since she had last been here. Dark, warm colours filled the room that reminded Alex of autumn nights spent on the floor in front of a fire reading a good book with Piper curled between her arms. Of course there were books lying all over the place but her bed was immaculately neat. She left the room without stepping inside and headed down to corridor, past her mom's room and towards her other bedroom. She opened the door somewhat hesitantly and stepped inside. This room was much smaller than the other room and was too filled with dark colour but it was noticeably colder colours; dark blues that reminded Alex of stormy winter skies. This room was filled with memories from Alex's childhood and teen years. Old books littered the floor. Even older posters and pictures hung up on the walls and she smiled at the memories of old friends. Taking another step into the room she gazed at her old desk that sat in front of the only window in the room, she sat down on the old chair and ran her hands over the wood that had been engraved with profanity and random words over the years. She smiled at some of the words on there, smiles turned into chuckles as she saw names encircled with love hearts that had been promptly scribbled out. She reached across the desk for the pile of writing journals she kept there and opened one, eyes flickering over the first few lines. Alex had written plenty and often during her younger years, she had written often about her father and what she hoped he would be like the day she finally met him. She had been filled with such hope back then. Alex promptly snapped the book shut and chucked it back onto the table, suddenly losing the warm feeling she had originally obtained from stepping into the room. She leaned back in her chair and spotted an old picture of her and her mother tucked away in the corner besides a bookshelf. A small smile graced her lips again. She felt a pair of eyes burning into the back of her head suddenly but she ignored them for a moment longer, embracing the memories the room evoked one last time before she put on her carefully constructed mask and turned to look at Piper.**

**"Hey," She smiled at her girlfriend and beckoned her into the room.**

**"You're mom said you would probably be in one of your rooms..." Piper's voice trailed off, showing her evident confusion at the statement.**

**Alex chuckled and nodded, "This one is my 'old' bedroom. Stuff I brought over from my mom's old house. The one we're staying in is across the hall."**

**Piper nodded and looked around the room with a new interest upon hearing this information. "Oh.. So this is all stuff from when you were younger?" She asked.**

**Alex nodded, her eyes flickering around the room again. In truth, she hadn't been sure why she wanted to keep all this stuff. Her childhood had been far from happy or pleasant and she didn't often dwell on the memories she had from it. Maybe she just had issues. Alex almost laughed at herself, of course she had fucking issues.**

**"What do you think of my mom?" Alex asked in an attempt to deflect any questions the room might have provoked as she stood up and took Piper's hand, beginning to drag her out of the room.**

**Piper grinned at Alex and let herself be dragged, "I love her. She is hilarious, I can see where you get your humor and no bullshit attitude from."**

**Alex chuckled and nodded as she led them back down the stairs and into the kitchen where she knew she would find her mother slaving away at the stove. "Mom I told you that you didn't have to cook for us.." Alex began in protest.**

**"Alex shut up and take that pretty girlfriend of yours to the table and sit down. Dinner will be ready in five minutes. I did not invite you here to listen to you object to me cooking my one and only daughter a nice meal." Diane commanded. Alex clearly knew to obey because she didn't attempt to protest again but simply followed her mother's orders and directed Piper to the dining table in the next room. After they had sat down Piper turned to look at Alex, her brows raised.**

**"What?" Alex asked dryly.**

**Piper smirked and shrugged, "Never thought I would see the days that Alex took orders without a complaint."**

**Alex shook her head, fighting off a smile and failing. "Yeah well, you wouldn't want to see the result should I complain about it." She chuckled, knowing that she had also gotten her fiery temper from her mother.**

**They had eaten their meal, laughing and bantering with each other constantly. Alex was delighted at how well Piper and her mother got on, it was surprisingly reassuring. Alex and her mother shared a knowing look and Alex couldn't help the grin that spread across her face as her mother silently told her that she loved Piper. Alex nodded and excused herself from the table to take their empty plates to the kitchen. She returned after a minute to find her mother and Piper talking about her.**

**"Jesus, I can't leave the room for a minute before you two start to gossip about me? I know I'm amazing and all but damn." She smiled smugly and the two glared at her in turn. She shook her head, amazed at how similar they were already.**

**"I was just telling your mom how you practically refuse to leave your bed if it's before 12." Piper commented, smirking.**

**Alex rolled her eyes, knowing full well that her mother didn't approve of her laziness.**

**"Alex, honey, you know staying in bed that late isn't good for your brain. You need to wake up earlier, the early bird catches the worm." Her mother nagged.**

**Alex glared at Piper, letting her know she would get her own back for this. "Yes mom, I know." Alex dismissed her mother's worries and placed a bottle of wine she had taken from the kitchen in the middle of the table. Piper squealed with delight and soon all three were drinking and talking again. It was 3am by the time her mother said goodnight to the two of them and dragged herself upstairs. Alex watched her mother go before she turned to Piper. Piper was undoubtedly drunk, she hadn't been pacing herself like Alex had. Alex took advantage of this in hopes that Piper wouldn't remember too much of what she said now.**

**"You know you're the first girl that I've ever let meet my mom." Alex said quietly, drawing Piper's attention to her and away from the wall.**

**"Really? Aw, baby, that's so sweet." Piper slurred, "I love your mom. She is literally the best ever. God, I wish she was my mom too. Can she be my mom Alex?"**

**Alex laughed and arched a brow, "I mean, I knew you were into some kinky stuff but I'm not sure that I'm down with incest Pipes."**

**Piper hit her sluggishly at that and laughed, "Ass." She muttered.**

**"Yeah, I love yours too." Alex winked at Piper and stood up, reaching for Piper's hand to drag her up. "Come on, lets get you to bed my little drunk goldfish."**

**Piper made a disgruntled noise, "I'm not a goldfish... I'm a beautiful angel. Look at my golden flowing locks." She giggled then, provoking another chuckle out of Alex. She loved when Piper was the kind of drunk where she became all innocent and childlike. It was stupidly adorable. They were about to enter their room when Piper held her hand on the door frame, stopping them from entering. Alex looked at her confused. "Pipes?"**

**"Why did you keep all that stuff from when you were younger?" Piper asked her, her eyes probing Alex's for an answer even in her drunken state.**

**Alex debated on what to say before she shrugged, "Guess I just have trouble letting go of some things, Pipes." She responded.**

**Piper nodded somberly and released her grip on the door frame to let herself be carried to the bed.**

Alex took a deep breath, Piper's soft voice pulling her out of her mind. "You'll be okay, Al. I'm here and I'm never going to abandon you again. Ever."

Alex smiled and kissed Piper softly, running a hand over her cheek and along her jawline. Whatever shit was between the two of them, there was no doubt in her mind that she and Piper were meant to be together. They just needed to fight to get there; and fight was exactly what Alex was going to do.

* * *

Alex hadn't heard back from her cousin for a month and so decided to let it go. There was nothing she could do about it in prison anyway. Nicky was a good distraction for Alex as they often talked about their future that awaited them in Europe. Alex hadn't realised just how excited Nicky was about it till now. She had so many hopes for what her future brought her and Alex felt better knowing that she was helping to at least accomplish some of them. Alex was even more pleased to hear that Lorna had agreed to go with them to London. It really felt like the four of them had become a family. Alex knew that Piper and Lorna had gotten a lot closer over the past weeks and she was grateful that Piper had another friend she could rely on.

"So I was thinking that once we had gotten settled in we could totally take trips down to the south-east of London. I read that it was super cool down there, grimy in some parts but crazy posh in others. I'm pretty stoked about hearing all those girls with the accents too." Nicky was practically drooling as she leaned over the laundry table to talk to Alex. Alex had to hit her in the arm to snap her out of her daze.

"Jesus Nichols, keep it in your pants. You'll have Morello there to quench all of your needs." Alex chuckled.

"I know but damn, those accents..."

"Trust me Nicky, they are far too overrated. Not that hot at all. Although, a lot of the girls there are very leggy. Especially where the apartment is, we're in the central of where all the models live and goddamn.." Alex trailed off, remembering many a day that she and Piper would spend sitting outside a cafe as they watched the girls walk past rating each one. It had become a rather serious competition in the end, seeing who could spot the best looking girl first. "You'll love the nightlife though. The clubs in London are some of the best I've ever been to."

Nicky closed her eyes and sighed, Alex knew that they both couldn't wait to be free of these walls. "One day Vause, I will find a way to thank you for all this shit."

"No need to Nichols, you've done enough already." Alex replied firmly, letting Nicky know there would be no discussion on the topic. Alex was genuinely grateful to Nicky for all she had done for both her and Piper since they'd arrived and this was the least she could do to show her appreciation. Nicky was definitely a friend for life. "Just don't fuck it up with Morello, okay?" She smirked and got back to her work.

"Hey guys," Piper's voice announced her arrival. Both Alex and Nicky looked around at the same time to see both Piper and Lorna standing in the laundry room. Nicky walked over to Lorna and gave her a kiss, Alex looked at Piper and arched a brow when Piper avoided her gaze.

"Pipes?" Alex asked, trying to get her attention. She saw Lorna give Piper a concerned look before busying herself with Nicky. Alex frowned, "Piper." She said more firmly this time. The blondes blue eyes flickered up to her own for a moment and Alex saw the familiar look of worry in them. Alex had to refrain from sighing, if this was more bad news she was going to freak. "Piper what the fuck is wrong?" She demanded as Piper looked away from her again. Both Lorna and Nicky were looking back and forth between the two of them now but neither made any effort to move, both their to support their friend. Alex knew that if something happened Lorna would be there for Piper and Nicky for her. It was a little funny how they had unintentionally divided themselves like that.

"I uh..." Piper stammered, looking at Lorna for some support. "I talked to my mother today." She finally breathed out, looking up at Alex.

"Okay.." Alex replied, confused. "So what?"

Piper took another breath, as if to steady herself. "She asked to meet you."

The surprise was clear on Alex's face as she processed the information. Piper's mom wanted to meet her? Why? Suddenly it dawned on her that whilst Piper didn't have the best relationship with her mother, she probably knew all about the relationship Alex had had with her daughter all those years ago. Undoubtedly she had some questions for Alex and also some accusations to make. About landing her precious daughter in prison and Alex had no doubt that she probably blamed Alex for the demise of Piper and Larry's relationship too. Alex sighed and nodded. "Okay." She busied herself with her work again, trying to concentrate on it and not let herself stress out. It would be fine, Alex told herself.

"Alex no, it's not okay." Piper spoke up, finding her courage and walking towards Alex now. "I have no idea what she is going to say to you and meeting you in a prison is hardly how I had envisioned you meeting my mother for the first time." Piper sighed and tugged at her blonde hair, "I won't even be there to defend you. My mom is a crazy, WASPy woman and I do not want her to fuck around with your head."

Alex smiled a little, "You pictured me meeting with your mom?" She asked, curiously.

"Really?  _That's_  the thing you picked up on out of that?" Piper's voice rose slightly as she got more worked up.

Alex put down the clothes she was holding and placed her hands on Piper's shoulders, "Pipes, relax. I don't need you to defend me. I have some things to answer for, I know that. I'll be okay. It'll be okay. Chill the fuck out." Alex looked back at Nicky and Lorna who were watching them intently and smirked. "Dyke drama, huh?" Alex commented, making Nicky chuckle and shake her head.

Alex had forced them all to leave after that, insisting that she needed to get on with her work without distraction. They all reluctantly left and soon Alex was left with nothing but the sound of the machines and her own thoughts for company. In truth, Alex wasn't all that worried about meeting Piper's mom. She could only be a more uptight version of her girlfriend. She could feel herself already building walls. She was determined that Piper's mom wouldn't get to her, nothing she would say could break her. She was bulletproof. Unbreakable. She was Alex fucking Vause.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, starting to feel out the new plot whilst trying to not make it too repetitive. Also fighting the urges to start a new fic but I must finish this one first .-. may the force be strong with me. Thanks so much for all of the reviews, they are very encouraging and it's good to know that people are actually enjoying reading these. Please review as they honestly do inspire me to write more and get the updates out more frequently. Hope you guys don't hate me too much for leaving you on a semi-cliffhanger there with the whole thing about Piper's mom! I also hope you enjoyed the flashback about Piper meeting Alex's mom, I have more of those planned and I'm going to try and get a few more flashbacks in here and there as I haven't done any in a while.
> 
> As always, please review and thanks for reading! :D


	10. I Loved You First

_So you brought out the best of me,_   
_A part of me I'd never seen._   
_You took my soul and wiped it clean._

* * *

Alex took a deep breath before she walked into the visitation room. Today was the big day, she was finally meeting Piper's mom. Alex had to agree with Piper, this was hardly how she had pictured meeting Piper's mom for the first time ever. As soon as Alex woke up that day her mind had raced with trying to think of all the things she would ask or say to her. Piper had told her to stop worrying and that she would probably just blame her for things that were out of her control. For the most part, anyway. Alex sighed and shook her head, she saw Piper's mom straight away. She had the same blonde hair and blue eyes that Piper had, the only difference was that Piper's mom's eyes were cold like ice and her hair was curled neatly. Total WASP.

"Mrs. Chapman." Alex greeted the woman and waited for a response. She stood still, trying to be polite despite her current situation.

"Hm." The woman grunted in reply and gestured for Alex to sit down. "So, you're the woman who has ruined my daughter's life." she said bluntly.

Alex almost flinched as she sat down in the plastic chair. "With all due respect, Mrs. Chapman. I didn't force Piper to carry that suitcase, she chose that. Yes, it is my fault that she is in prison but if it wasn't me who gave her in then it would have been someone else."

Piper's mother's face didn't react at all to Alex's admissions. Her face was stone cold as were both her eyes and tone. From the stories Piper had told Alex about her mother, she guessed that the look had come from years of cheating on her husband and being cheated on by her husband.

"I didn't come here to talk about that." The woman dismissed, placing her hands neatly on top of the table between them, "I came to talk about my daughter." She looked up at Alex, waiting for a reaction.

Alex did her best to keep her poker face but she was more than surprised, she nodded slowly. She had come here to talk about Piper? In what way? What could she possibly have to talk about Piper with Alex of all people. Alex wondered if the woman maybe meant she had more accusations to make but surely her tone wasn't harsh enough to suggest that. Alex swallowed hard, "Okay.." She said quietly, already prepared for some kind of backlash.

"I now understand that, despite my voiced opinion and wishes on the matter, my daughter will not listen to me when it comes to you." She paused, looking pointedly at Alex as if to help her point sink in. "So, for now, I shall swallow my pride and be civil with you long enough to voice my wishes from this point onwards." She looked at Alex again, waiting.

"Your wishes? I..I don't understand." Alex replied, frowning slightly. Was Piper's mom saying she was okay with the two of them being together? No, she wasn't okay with it. She had just said as much.

Piper's mom nodded, "My daughter refuses to part from you and she has thrown any hope of a future with Larry away. As stubborn as she is, she is still my daughter and despite what she may have told you about me I do happen to care about and love her dearly. So, I have a few terms and conditions of sorts for you, if you wish to stay with my daughter. I do not expect you to comply with them past this conversation, what you do in here will be not of my knowledge and so I will never know if you keep to these conditions or not. However, I hope that your pride, love and respect for my daughter will compel you to at least try to go along with them."

Alex only nodded at this point, curiosity and wariness all clear on her face. She had dropped the pretense of her poker face halfway through listening to the woman's words. She was being honest with her and so Alex would be honest with her too. She was yet to decide whether or not she would stick to these 'conditions' that Piper's mom came up with but they couldn't be too demanding or excessive. At the sight of Alex's silence the woman nodded again briefly before continuing.

"Good. Let me begin by saying that if you put my daughter through any such danger again you will have me directly to answer to this time. My daughter will  _not_ keep such activities from me again. I think one stint in prison is enough." She cleared her throat, "Which leads me to say that I expect no less than the two of you to stay together for the duration of Piper's stay here and should you still be together when you are released I want her to have no involvement with anymore illegal activity and I think it would be better if you pried yourself away from such a life also. Unfortunately my daughter insists that she cannot live without you and I will not stand here and serve as a shoulder to cry on should you be ripped from her life again to return to prison." The woman took a breath. "I also hope that you do not break her heart. I understand that my daughter left her when your mother passed and she knows how strongly I disapprove of that. I want you to know that this does not give you permission to ever do the same to her. This may sound unfair but I have not seen Piper happy like this in a very long time, despite the fact that she is in prison."

"Mrs. Chapman, I..." Alex began, she was quickly cut off by the woman holding a hand up.

"Alex, please. Let me finish." She said, her voice not quite as cold as it had be when their conversation first started. Alex nodded again.

"Thank you." She paused, "I do not know how your financial situation stands after you were arrested and nor do I wish to know. I only ask that you obtain a legal job if you must to help support both my daughter and yourself once you are free of this place. I will not have Piper living with another person who relies on others for money. Larry was one of those people and, quite honestly, it was embarrassing." The woman looked at Alex, acknowledging her small smirk at the sound of Larry and his failures. "I do not know if you love my daughter in the same way as she loves you. I hope with all my might that you do because if you didn't I know that it would break her. I also understand that the two of you have been through much together and most of it I will never grow to understand. In saying that, I want you to know that as long as you make sure my daughter is always happy and do whatever you can to keep her this happy then I.." She halted and averted her eyes from Alex for a moment, as if what she was about to say was hard for her. "I do not approve of your relationship but I will not make any attempt to voice or act on my feelings towards the two of you. Given time my opinion about the two of you may change, for now though, all i expect from you is to keep my daughter as safe and happy as you can." She nodded and looked at Alex expectantly having finally finished talking.

Alex sat back in her chair and pushed her glasses on the top of her head. This was all somewhat overwhelming. She had hardly expected to hear this when she first sat down. "Mrs. Chapman I..."

"Please, call me Carol."

Alex nodded, "Carol. I honestly don't know what exactly to say," Alex begun. "I only know that I will do everything in my power to keep Piper safe and happy. I have no plans to involve myself in anyway in an illegal lifestyle ever again after I leave Litchfield. Piper and I have plans to move to London once we are both released and we are going to start a new life there with two of our close friends. I also want to say that I will comply with every single one of your wishes. I love Piper more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and although it broke me to pieces when she left, I would never ever dare do that to her." Alex took a breath and looked round at the window behind her to find Piper looking through the glass at the two of them. Alex couldn't quite bring herself to smile through the overwhelming emotion she felt. She turned back to Carol. "I can't express how grateful I am to hear that you will give Piper and I a chance to prove ourselves to you. Me most of all. Whilst I cannot take back the time I took from Piper by giving her name up, I won't lie and say that I regret it. Prison had brought Piper and I back together and although it took us ten years to get where we are now I am confident that we will remain solid from here on out. I hope that I can one day earn your approval and I will do everything I can to get that. All I ask is that you don't expect things for Piper and I to go easy or without a few big hiccups here and there. I will be spending a considerable amount of time in prison after Piper leaves and so I cannot make any guarantee that our relationship will be able to pick up where we left it. In saying that, I want to express that my love for Piper is very, very real and I know that it will never go away." Alex sighed, taking a deep breath. She watched Carol cautiously as she saw the woman process Alex's speech.

Carol nodded and offered Alex a genuine smile. "Good. That is all I can expect from you Alex. I understand that you have already served one year of your sentence in another prison before Piper arrived here?" She stated more than asked. Alex nodded a yes anyway.

"Right." The blonde woman continued, "That means you will have 6 more years to serve after Piper goes." She mused, thinking. "I do not know if you have a good lawyer Alex but if you do not I shall hire you one. Should you already have a good lawyer then I must ask to meet with him. I think I know a way I can get you reduced time." Carol sighed, rubbing her temples. "The less time you spend away from my daughter the better her mental health will be, I know that much."

"I have a lawyer, I'll get your number from Piper and tell him to call you." Alex replied. At this, the guard announced that visiting hours were over. Alex stood up and waited, unsure how she should say bye to Piper's mother. A hug felt too forward. She was relieved when the blonde woman offered Alex a hand to shake. "Goodbye Mrs. Chap- I mean Carol." Alex smiled.

"It was good to finally meet you Alex. I think it's safe to say that I was pleasantly surprised." Carol smiled warmly at Alex before turning to leave.

Alex shortly did the same and walked out into the corridor after the mandatory search had been complete. She breathed a big sigh of relief, that had gone better than Alex could have ever imagined. Who knew that Piper's mom could be so accepting? The news about the possibility of less time was also very good and Alex could feel a happy feeling settle in her stomach. Maybe things would be alright for Alex and Piper after all. She couldn't see Piper by the window anymore and assumed that she had probably gone to the canteen to eat. Alex headed there, a smile resting lightly on her lips and a bounce in her walk. She felt much lighter suddenly, as if a weight had been lifted from her that she hadn't realised she'd even been carrying. As she entered the canteen she headed straight for the suburb table without bothering to look to see who was there first. She sat down, feeling to light to eat. "Hey guys." She said happily. The whole table looked at her simultaneously obviously surprised at her light and easy tone.

"Woah, you high Vause? The fuck are you so happy after you just got grilled by the big bad WASP?" Nicky asked incredulously.

Alex laughed breezily. "The big bad WASP? Funny Nichols." She punched Nicky playfully on the shoulder. "She didn't grill me." Alex stated simply, she didn't want her friends to know what Piper's mom had said to her before Piper. The reminded her that she had originally come in here looking for her favourite blonde. "Where's Piper?" She asked, turning to search the canteen and feeling disappointed when she couldn't see her.

"She's in her bunk," Lorna replied eventually. "She looked pretty upset, she told me that you were probably gonna' hate her after you finished talking to her mom." Lorna shovelled some more food into her mouth before continuing. "She mumbled something about how you couldn't bring yourself to smile at her." Lorna shrugged, "She's probably just hormonal."

Alex thanked Lorna and said goodbye to the rest of their group at the table before she ran towards Piper's bunk. It took the guards threatening her to get her to slow to a fast walk. Eventually she arrived and was greeted by the sound of snivelling. Alex sighed and walked over to Piper's cube. She looked over the wall at her girlfriend who was curled up underneath her blanket, clutching a roll of toilet paper. Alex rolled her eyes, typical Piper; jumping to conclusions as always. "Piper?" Alex said quietly, getting the blonde's attention. "Stop fucking crying, grow up and chill out. Everything is fine." Alex's tone was firm but not harsh. She wasn't going to humour Piper today. Things were going too well.

Piper sat up and looked at Alex confused, "How can everything be fine when you couldn't even smile at me. I saw you Alex, you looked... weird."

Alex laughed and leaned on the wall, "Gee thanks Pipes. Good to know. Your mom was just having a serious conversation with me that made me feel a whole of things and well, you know how well I deal with emotions." Alex arched a brow at Piper but at the sight of another outburst from the blonde she cut her off. "Don't worry Piper. Your mom was.. well, your mom was pretty fucking nice."

"What?!" Piper sputtered, unbelieving. "Alex, please don't lie to me. Just tell me how horrible she was."

Alex laughed again and sat down on Piper's bunk. "I'm being serious, Pipes. She was way nicer than I expected. She didn't hurl insults at me and she didn't forbid me from being with you." Alex shrugged and pried the toilet paper from Piper's hand so she could take them into her own. "She told me that she would accept that you and I wanted to be together and that she would give us a chance to prove to her that we aren't making a mistake and that we're serious." Alex stared down at Piper's hand into her own as she went over the conversation again. "She told me that all she expected from me was to keep you safe and happy once we were out of here. Oh, and to be a decent law-abiding citizen." She chuckled and glanced back at Piper who still looked shocked. "She was pretty cool and even said that she would try and get my sentence reduced so that we could be together sooner." Alex paused, "Well really she said so that your frame of mind wouldn't go all wacky once we got separated." She smirked. Alex waited for Piper to say something sarcastic about how she didn't need Alex to stay sane but when none came she frowned, worried a little. "Pipes? You okay?" She asked.

Piper looked down at Alex and nodded, her eyes still wide. "Alex, I..." She begun before abruptly stopping. Then, suddenly, she crashed her lips into Alex's. Alex noticed that this kiss was different from others they had shared before. This kiss was filled with hunger like the others but it had underlying tones of tenderness, happiness and most of all, love. This wasn't the usual passionate and hunger filled kiss that Alex was used to sharing with Piper but it was something more.  _They were something more_ , Alex mused. She knew that things had changed for them now. They were serious about spending their lives together, their relationship had been one that had started from adventure and lust. Prison had turned it into fire and passion and was now bringing them to love. Real and true love. Not the kind of love they had been in before, in love with the good and ignoring the bad. They were truly loving each and every part of the other, the good, the bad and the wicked. Prison had changed them as a couple for the better in it's own twisted and horrible way. Alex knew that she would never regret her decision to name Piper. How could she regret the very thing that led them to this? This. This that was better than the future Alex had once dreamed for Piper and herself. This where settling down and maybe one day having a family of their own was actually a possibility. This where the only danger one their lives were the dangers of an ordinary person. This that was the true start of Alex's life. A life she knew her mother would be proud of. A life she knew her mother worked and worked for Alex to get. This, that was her one and true love sitting opposite her in the bunk as they kissed and held each other. A silent promise and confession all wrapped up in one.

It was only after their intense makeout session and they were lying together on the bed looking at each other that Alex was reminded of a line in a book she had read recently from the library. " _I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once._ " Alex found herself understanding the truth behind that. She had never expected to fall in love with Piper Chapman when she first laid eyes on her in that bar. She had never expected to take her around the world, loving and living together. She never expected to plan a future with the woman who both created and destroyed her and yet here she was.  _Here I am_ , Alex thought and smiled. A smile that showed her content and happy. As she drifted off to sleep with this blonde angel in her arms she knew she wouldn't rather be anywhere else if it meant Piper wasn't with her.

* * *

**"So, a beach in Tahiti or back home to London?" Alex asked. Both her and Piper had long stopped referring to New York as home. Both finding that they much preferred the quiet modesty of their London life.**

**"Tahiti is tempting but I am so fucking tired from travelling and I need to recoup." Piper replied.**

**Alex nodded and pulled her girlfriend into her arms. They were currently in Spain, lying on a beach that was only ten minutes from their hotel. They had been here for almost a week and Alex knew that they both needed time to recoup. Alex's schedule had been hectic the past month and they had travelled to a new country every week. So far they had been to Italy, Sweden, Greece and then finally Spain. Alex had earned some well deserved holiday time which Fahri had graciously granted her. It was their last night here and Alex would book their flights back to London when they got back to the hotel. She suppressed a yawn and looked down at Piper. She was beautiful in the fading sunlight. Their hectic travelling schedule had left the tell-tale signs of a bad sleeping schedule with the dark circles under her eyes but her skin was tanned a beautiful golden brown. Her hair had been bleached a shade lighter by the sun and her body was toned from all of the swimming and hiking they had done. Alex absentmindedly traced patterns into Piper's palm and she gazed over her girlfriend. She pulled the two of them upright suddenly. "Let's go."**

**Alex nearly dragged Piper back to the hotel and rushed them into the lift. It was their last night in the country and Alex was going to make the most of it, knowing that they would probably have nothing but rain and cold winds once they got to London. She pulled Piper into her own embrace and smirked at the knowing glint in Piper's eye her movements provoked. She bent down to kiss her, slowly. She was in no rush now. They didn't break the kiss as the ding of the lift announced they had arrived at their floor and she didn't break the kiss to open their room door. Alex had to admit that she was slightly impressed at herself. It was Piper who eventually broke away, breathing hard and grinning. She untangled herself from Alex's arms and used one hand to hold her still. A silent signal that she had to wait. Alex arched a brow but played along, watching Piper with eager eyes. She followed every movement Piper made as she slowly took off each piece of clothing she was wearing, leaving a trail of clothes behind her. Eventually, Piper vanished into their room, the only thing Alex could see was Piper's hand that made a sultry sign, beckoning Alex to her. Alex followed the trail of clothes, much like a trail of breadcrumbs to her very own gingerbread house. Leaving her own trail of cloth breadcrumbs behind her.**

**Alex flopped down onto the bed beside Piper, their limbs entangled with one another. A small, lazy, smile crept onto her face as she turned to look at Piper. Her face was still flushed from their 'activity' and it made Alex smirk. She reached up with a hand to stroke her cheek and move some of the blonde hair that she had grown to cherish to expose her neck. Alex placed a soft kiss on her neck before she leant on her chin and looked up at Piper. They had been together for almost two years and Alex still found it amazing. She had never committed to just one girl before, not like this. She knew that she could spend the rest of her life like this with Piper as she observed her sleeping form. She was delicate, innocent in looks but she was so much more. Feisty, witty, charming, sarcastic with a volatile temper that Alex had been on the receiving side of on more than one occasion. Piper was perfect in all of the ways that Alex wasn't and maybe that was what made them fit so well together. As if Piper had been Alex's lost puzzle piece. Alex chuckled quietly at her own analogy. If Alex was the clouds then Piper was the ground that Alex fell on when things got too heavy and she turned into rain. She was Alex's safeplace. She was home. Alex sighed happily and turned to lie in the bed. She would book their tickets in the morning, she thought as she drifted off to a dreamless sleep. The warmth from Piper radiated towards her and she clutched onto it with all her strength as she let herself descend into the dark.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I enjoyed writing it quite a lot and I'm pretty happy with where this is headed. That being said, Piper and Alex are a little too happy for women who are stuck in prison so I'm planning to include a few hiccups in the next few chapters. Thanks as always for the reviews, I've got some plans for a new fic that I may be starting over the next few days so keep an eye out for that. I promise not to let myself get distracted from this one though! I do want to actually finish one of my stories for a change.
> 
> As always, please review and let me know what you thought about his chapter and thanks for reading! :D


	11. Wasted

_And darling I'm drunk,_   
_And everything that I have loved has turned to stone._   
_So pack your bags and come back home._

* * *

Alex had found herself very busy over the next few weeks, the new dealings with both her lawyer and Piper's mom meant that she wasn't able to linger long on the thought of her Aunt's death. Something that was probably for the best. During her spare time where she was actually alone Alex found herself writing more and often. She did not always write things that had a purpose or things with which she intended to use them but she just wrote. Sometimes she would write letters to her mom or to Piper that she kept in a box beneath her bed and other times she would write small stories, things sampled from her past or her possible future. When the words just wouldn't flow in coherent sentences Alex would write poetry, there was something about the way she could be so vague in her words whilst have them hold so much meaning that appealed to her. Her words would need analysis to decipher them, much the same way as she saw herself - to get past her walls you had to spend time and effort. Like the letters and the stories, she kept them all safely under her bed and only dared to look at them when she was sure no one would see her. They were her last bit of privacy left in here and she was determined to keep them safe.

Alex was lying on her bed, drumming her fingers on her stomach waiting for the post to arrive. She wasn't sure why she put herself through the same waiting game each week only to be left disappointed the same each week when nothing arrived for her. Alex was happy when her friends got mail, Piper still received some every other week from Polly and her father. Alex and Nicky sat together most times when everyone else was discussing what they had gotten. Nicky pretended that she didn't care that she didn't get any mail and that no one came to visit her but Alex knew it cut her deep, she knew how scary it could feel to think that you have no one out there in the real world waiting for you to get out. Alex was going to make sure someone was there for Nicky, no matter what. It was as Nicky and Alex were sitting together in the library to escape from the others cooing over pictures that Polly had sent Piper of her baby that Alex had a small epiphany.

"Hey, Nichols?" Alex prompted, "When does Lorna get out of here?"

Nicky frowned, confused at the topic of their conversation, "In a year or so."

Alex nodded, "And you have how many years left?"

"I've got 3." Nicky paused, "Fuck Vause, what's with all the weird questions?"

Alex hesitated for a moment, slightly reluctant to get Nicky's hopes up when Alex wasn't even sure whether she could pull it off let alone get it to work. "Well, it's just that I know you don't really have anyone on the outside.." Alex's voice was careful, she knew Nicky didn't like talking about her family. "And I think that maybe if you and Lorna keep strong and she waits for you that I have a chance of getting you out early."

Nicky looked at Alex and then started to laugh, really laugh. "Oh, funny Vause. I mean, weird subject for a joke sure but I can see the humour behind it."

Alex smiled, of course Nicky didn't believe that she was serious. "No, Nicky. Seriously. I think I could maybe have a chance of getting you out of here not long after Lorna."

Nicky stopped laughing and glared at Alex. "Listen to me right now Vause. You better not be fucking with me because if you are then you are seriously fucked and fucked up."

Alex held up her hands defensively, "I'm not fucking with you Nicky. Piper's mom is trying to pull some strings with the court to get me released a little earlier than my release date and I think with a bit of convincing I could get her to do the same for you."

Nicky frowned but her glare was somewhat less threatening. "Why would Piper's mom do that for me? I don't mean jack to her."

Alex shrugged and smirked, "Well. Piper's mom hardly loves me but she's willing to do anything to help her daughter keep her sanity and her smile. How's she supposed to know that you aren't contributing to that smile?" Alex knew she was right and that with a few well placed words Piper's mom would get Nicky's lawyer to go over her case and see what he could do to reduce her sentence.

Nicky nodded slowly, realisation dawning on her face. "Right. I guess WASPs look after their own, huh."

Alex could sense the sad tone in Nicky's voice knowing that her own mother would never do what Piper's would to ensure her daughter's happiness. Alex didn't comment on it, knowing how Nicky preferred to look strong. Especially when it came to emotions to do with her mother. "Picture it, Nichols. You get out of here within a year at most of Lorna getting out. You get your shit in order and I tell my lawyer to get your tickets to London and the keys to the apartment and then you both can fly over there to meet Piper." Alex nodded, it all worked perfectly well in her mind.

Nicky was looking at Alex with a different kind of look, one of concern. "Right so Piper..." She paused and frowned, "Have you thought about how you're going to cope without Piper in here?" She asked.

Alex shrugged, she hadn't thought much about Piper leaving prison. Piper leaving anything had been a touchy subject for a number of years and Alex knew it would hurt no less when Piper had served her sentence and was released. She didn't want to think about it because she didn't know what would become of them, despite Piper's continuous assurances that she would wait and nothing would change Alex didn't yet trust Piper enough to stick to that. It was easy to make promises in prison when you didn't have to put that promise to the test. The outside was a whole different fishbowl. "No, Nichols. I haven't and I don't really want to." Alex sighed, she knew Nicky wasn't going to let it go so she continued. "I can't trust Piper enough yet to be completely sure that she'll keep all of her promises to me and that she won't end up with some stuck up dickwad like Larry. If I don't think about it until I absolutely have to then I'll be okay. Even better if I get you out of here so you can keep an eye on her and remind her that I'm waiting." Alex chuckled, somewhat halfheartedly and then stood up. "I'm going to get my lunch." She walked quickly so that she wouldn't have to hear Nicky's response to what she had said. Was it selfish that she was trying to get Nicky out of prison to watch Piper? Was it creepily stalkerish of her? Probably. Alex walked into the canteen, consumed by her thoughts. She saw Piper sitting at the table and walked up to her, sitting opposite. "Piper." She stated, her voice uncharacteristically devoid of any kind of emotion.

"Alex?" Piper responded, her face already showing the worry she felt from Alex's tone.

Alex only nodded before she got up from her seat and left. She was confused at her own actions but felt a little more at ease. Why? She couldn't tell but she knew she felt it and maybe, just maybe, if she could ignore that gnawing feeling that started to life every time she saw Piper things would be okay for a while longer. Alex went straight to her cube and sat down heavily on her bunk, weighed down by the gravity of the conversation she had just had with Nicky and her confusing encounter with Piper. What was she doing? Alex wasn't sure. When she thought about the future it had always seemed very simple, get out, meet up with Piper, move to London and live. That was that and there was no more to it but there were so may details that she had overlooked. What if after Piper got out she saw that being with Alex was a mistake or that maybe she didn't want to move to London. What if she decided that she preferred the safety of warm and pathetic Larry over her? There were so many variables that had yet to be added to the mix and Alex could only just about bare the ones already there. Alex felt herself going into a panic and scrambled for her writing equipment. She glared down at the paper before her, wishing herself to write something. Anything. The words wouldn't come to her, they were all swirling around inside her out but they were just out of reach. She couldn't grasp them, she couldn't even touch them. She could feel a lump forming in her throat as she thought again about her future, this thought was a much darker future. One without the light that was Piper Chapman. In this future, she wasn't in London. She was in New York, in an alleyway about to shoot up. Everyone had left her and she had no one. Not even her mom. "Fuck.." Alex muttered, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She had to believe in Piper. She had to believe that Piper was strong enough to stay with Alex through this because if she didn't, what chance did they have?

Alex looked back down at her paper and finally found some words.

_I recalled your laughter_   
_From a long time ago._   
_There was something about the way_   
_It hung in the space between you and I;_   
_Filling my own lungs_   
_With your infectious air._   
_And the noise spilled from my own lips_   
_Till I realised_   
_That air, that filled my lungs_   
_Was full of your empty presence,_   
_And the noise meant nothing_   
_Without your own to accompany it._   
_So until you form_   
_In front of me once again,_   
_I shall not laugh_   
_Like I did a long time ago._

_(Poem by me/TheNarrative)_

Alex sighed and looked over her work before she shoved it into the box beneath her bed. She felt a little more at ease for having written although she was still confused. She was afraid, she knew that much. She wasn't in control and she had no idea of what was going to happen the next day let alone in eight years and that completely terrified her. Putting her trust into the hands of others was not something she did often and considering one of those people had previously thrown her trust away it was a large step. Whether that step was taking Alex forwards or backwards, Alex couldn't be sure. She just knew it was going to take her somewhere. She just hoped she'd be able to get to a beach in Cambodia before she found out where. She briefly wondered what Piper had done after Alex walked out on her in the canteen. Had she tried to follow her? Had Nicky told her what Alex had said to her. Alex groaned, disgruntled at that thought. She didn't want Piper to know how much of an insecure idiot Alex actually was. It was embarrassing and led to various conversations that Alex had hoped to avoid forever.  _Great going, Vause; because ignoring your problems ended so well before;_ Alex thought. She sighed and rolled over on her bunk so she faced the wall. Her eyes traced the patterns in the brickwork for what seemed like an eternity before voices started to filter into the dorm again. Lunch was finally over. Alex was surprised at how she didn't feel hungry at all, it wasn't good - she knew that much. She sighed again and closed her eyes hoping that when she opened them again eight years would have passed and she would be in London with Piper by her side and Nicky and Lorna in the room across the hall.

"Mail for you here, Vause." A voice she recognised to be Bennett's woke her from her trance. She sat up immediately and looked at the guard, eyes wide at the box he held in his hands. He put it on the floor at the entrance to her cube and left. Alex dragged the box over to her and saw that most of the mail in there was from her cousin who was staying at Alex's mom's old house currently. Alex dug through the box, deciding that she would read the letters lately and pulled out two books. She smiled and placed them by her growing pile of books and continued to search through the box. Her hands glided over something that felt shiny and she frowned, moving aside a pile of letters to get to the shiny object. Her mouth opened in surprise when she saw the object was actually a pile of pictures that had been tied together. She pulled them out and smiled at the one on top. One of her and her cousin. Alex knew that her cousin must have been going through her stuff and found the old photo album she'd kept in her 'old Alex' room. She turned the photo over and saw the annotation written on the back in her own handwriting, ' _Cuz & I Thanksgiving 2003_'

As Alex went through the pictures she smiled fondly at the memories they all provoked, ones with her mother, her aunt. Old friends and places that seemed like they were from an age ago now. She was about halfway through the pile when a piece of paper blocked her view of the next picture. Alex frowned and read it. ' _Not sure if you wanted these but I thought I should include them just in case. Much love, cuzzo._ ' What pictures could there be that Alex wouldn't want? She dismissed her Cousin's message and moved the paper aside to look at the picture. to say she was surprised at what she saw was an understatement, she was astounded that her cousin had found these let alone had the guts to send them to her. Alex looked at the picture fondly, recognising it immediately. It was a picture of Piper and herself, standing outside the bar they had met at that very first night. Alex's friends has insisted that they take a picture of the two of them together. Alex smiled at how carefree she had looked. She remembered that she had felt on top of the world that night, having just returned from a successful run. At the time she had felt like nothing would or could ever bring her down. Alex's eyes glided over towards Piper. Piper had long, wavy hair. Her smile was bright and cheery. Happy. Alex didn't see that smile much now. She traced a finger over Piper's face before moving on to the next picture, another one of her and Piper. Alex could tell that this picture was taken not long before that night in Paris however because Piper's smile was not quite so bright and Alex did not look so carefree. They both looked tired and stiff. Alex moved quickly past that one and a small smirk formed as she laid eyes on the next. It showed her and Piper in a bed together, Alex remembered Piper insisting that they had to document that moment and Alex still wasn't sure why. They had spent about two months in London and they were in their bed, in their room, in their apartment. It was early in the morning but neither girl had slept yet. Their bodies covered by their duvet only. They were both happy, they were close together as if they were not two but one person in that moment. Alex suddenly felt angry that the guards had seen this picture. This incredibly private picture, the picture that meant so much more to Alex than all the others because it showed the simplicity of their love. It was coupled with their basic need but it didn't seem to basic to Alex when she looked at the picture. She saw two women, in love and not realising that it was slowly destroying them. Not everything that made you feel good was good, Piper was certainly worth the risk though. Alex had known it then and she knew it now.

"Alex?" Piper's voice resonated through Alex and she looked up at her concerned girlfriend.

"Oh, hey." Alex smiled warmly at Piper, still holding the photograph in her hands.

"You got mail." Piper said quietly, noting the box between Alex's feet.

Alex nodded and patted the space next to her so that Piper would sit down.

"Are you.." Piper began.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I just had to make sure." Alex cut in, painfully aware that her 'explanation' for her behavior was very, very, vague.

"Make sure?" Piper prompted, her voice still quiet.

Alex nodded and looked back down at the picture. Enjoying the warm feeling it created inside of her. "I had to be sure that..." Alex let her words trail off, what was she making sure of? That Piper was still there? That she hadn't abandoned her again? Or that Alex couldn't bear the thought to be parted from her. Alex looked at Piper and she saw her own reflection in the blonde's eyes. Her expression was one of confusion, desperation and sadness. She closed her eyes and wished again to be transported to the future where she wouldn't have to deal with the confusion and the waiting and the figuring out.

"Alex. Talk to me, please." Piper's voice was firmer this time, her own desperation to reach through to Alex setting in.

"Piper it's fine. I'm just working things out in my head, you know? I.. I never really allowed myself to think about what things would be like after you leave Litchfield and I don't want to have to think or talk or even recognise that I have to do any of those things until I absolutely have to.  _God_. I wish I didn't have to."

Piper nodded, looking down at the picture in Alex's hands. "You know I only have 11 months left here."

Alex nodded, of course she knew. "Well, can I please spend at least eight of those months blissfully unaware?"

Piper didn't respond, only placing her hand on Alex's. Alex nodded once again and settled back against the wall staring at the picture she still held. 11 months left of Piper. 11 months out of her eight years. She wanted to laugh. Or cry. Maybe both. Life was giving her the finger again and this time, there was nothing she could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So nothing much going on in this chapter, just a little more insight into Alex's mind. Hope you guys enjoyed and I hope my poem was decent, it's the first one I've written in a very long time but it came to me last night when I was thinking about the story. As always, please leave a review and thanks for reading!


	12. Nothing Like You And I

_While I'm off chasing my own dreams,_   
_Sailing around the world,_   
_Please know that I'm yours to keep,_   
_My beautiful girl._

* * *

The months passed slowly after that, there had been no progress made as far as getting Alex's sentence reduced and it was slow going with getting Nicky's lawyer to review her case. Soon enough it was the middle of the summer and Piper only had seven months left to serve. This worried Alex to no end and she often found her mind travelling back to the fact that she was going to have to let Piper go. Alex made her way to the phones and dialled the number that she had now learned off by heart.

"Hello?" Carol Chapman's voice answered.

"Carol, it's Alex."

"Ah, Alex. How are you today?" The older woman replied.

At first it had surprised Alex at how quickly Carol had offered to be there for Alex whenever she needed to vent things that couldn't be vented out with Piper. Alex had turned to her often over the past four months, calling her at least once a week. The only tone in Carol's voice was kindness although Alex wasn't sure entirely how much of it was just put on for show.

"Not so good." Alex admitted quietly, checking behind her to make sure neither Nicky or Piper were nearby. "Time is suddenly going so quickly and I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to hold it together for Piper."

Alex heard Carol sigh, she imagined the woman rubbing her temples. "Alex, please. Stop thinking about the future and concentrate on what is happening now. Piper told me that 'living in the now' had always been your thing so why aren't you sticking to it?"

Alex shrugged, then realised the woman couldn't see her. "I don't know, it's hard to concentrate on the now when 'the now' is just the same thing everyday." Alex chewed the inside of her cheek and looked down at her feet, clad in the mandatory boots. She noticed how dirty the floor looked.

"I know you're worried about what will happen to your relationship with Piper but I will make every effort to remind her that you are relying on her to be there when she gets out."

Alex knew the woman was saying that to comfort her but it made Alex feel uneasy. She didn't like relying on people, that meant she wasn't in control. She didn't want Piper to feel guilty if she wanted something else, that wasn't right. "No Carol, that just makes it sound like I'm trying to guilt trip her into staying with me." Alex sighed and closed her eyes. "Listen, I have to go. Thanks for picking up."

"Have a nice day Alex and try to cheer up, for all our sakes."

Alex put the phone down and let her head hit the wall with a soft thud. Carol was right about one thing, being this morose was not going to help anyone - least of all herself. "Man the fuck up, Vause." Alex mumbled to herself in an attempt to encourage herself. This attempt failed miserably however as she could still not bring herself to move from the current position against the wall. Alex was glad that it was a Sunday and that she didn't have to work, folding clothes just wouldn't cut it today. She turned so that her back was against the wall and slid down to the floor, bringing her knees up to her chest she wrapped her arms around them and then let her face fall into the dark cradle that her knees provided. She concentrated on her breathing whilst she tried to form an action plan. The first thing to do was make sure that Piper stayed out of trouble, she could do nothing that would risk getting more time added to her sentence. The next thing was to put some pressure on Nicky's lawyer so that he would actually get off of his fat ass and try to help Nicky and then that would leave Alex, hopefully her lawyer would be able to do something - god knows she paid him enough to.

"Hey Vause, you know that sitting there isn't the most hygienic." Nicky's voice said from somewhere above her.

"I figured that out a while ago, Nichols. Seeing as nowhere in this place is hygienic I thought it would be okay to risk it." Alex retorted, her voice muffled slightly from her 'hiding place'.

"Uh huh." Nicky was silent for a moment. "Not long now, huh?"

Alex knew what Nicky was hinting at and chose to ignore it. Nicky had been on her ass about Piper leaving since they had first talked about it and Alex really wished she would just let it go.

"Silent treatment Vause? Jeez, that's pretty low. Even for you." Nicky chuckled and Alex felt the woman sit down next to her. "Not that I mean to pry but, how much time have you spent with Piper lately? Cause it kinda looks like you've been avoiding her."

"I have been avoiding her." Alex replied bluntly, raising her head slightly to look at her bushy haired friend.

"Damn, okay. Well, you know, maybe you should stop?"

"I can't." Alex paused and groaned, "Well I can but she's going to know straight away that I'm all cut up about her leaving soon and I don't want her to get any ideas about staying in here longer."

Nicky nodded sympathetically, "I understand, Chapman isn't always the most logical." She was quiet again. "I just think you should make the most of the time you have left with her in here, I mean who knows how long it will be till you get to spend this much time with her. You might be left with a ten minute phone call and an hour long visit once a week." Nicky stated, shrugging.

Alex sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I know." Alex dragged herself up and then helped Nicky to do the same. "I'll catch you later Nichols."

Nicky nodded and left Alex to her thoughts. Alex walked towards Piper's dorm, sure that the blonde would be reading by now. She walked over to her cube and sat down beside her girlfriend's feet, not bothering to say hi. She leaned back against the wall and turned her head to look at Piper who was currently staring at her over the top of her book. Alex smiled and squeezed Piper's ankle.

"Hello, fancy seeing you here." Piper chimed, lowering her book. "What brings you to this fine establishment?"

Alex chuckled and shrugged deciding to play along, "Oh well I saw the reviews for this place online. Most of which were five stars - I just had to come and check it out for myself."

"I see, so I take it you consider yourself to be an excellent judge of fine items?"

"Quite, I used to own various first edition novels and had quite the collection of rare and very expensive artwork."

Piper laughed and slid down on her bunk so that her feet were resting on Alex's lap. "I missed you."

Alex's smile faded slightly and she looked away from Piper and at her feet instead. "Missed you too, kid." She paused, rubbing Piper's socked feet gently. "Sorry I haven't been around all that much."

Piper nodded, "It's okay. Although you would think there wouldn't be that many places for you to vanish to considering we are in a freaking prison."

Alex chuckled, "I..." She clenched her jaw and sighed, concentrating on Piper's feet again.

"Alex it's okay. I know you're bugged by how little time I have left here but we don't have to acknowledge that for another four months yet."

"That's not going to cut it, Pipes. I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me crazy. I can't bring myself to hang around you because I feel so fucking helpless all the time. I even resorted to calling your mom about it! Like, who the fuck am I?" Alex laughed bitterly and looked at Piper. She was surprised at how calm the blonde looked.

"I still have seven months Alex, we have plenty of time to figure this all out. My mom told me that you called her frequently although she wouldn't disclose to me about what you talked about. She didn't even budge when I gave her my puppy eyes." Piper sighed dramatically, making Alex smile. "Listen Al, we'll be okay. Sure it's going to be hard - I'm not denying that; but I am willing to work as hard as I possibly can to make this work. Nothing and I mean nothing is going to tear us apart again because I can't wait another ten years to get another shot at this." Piper removed her legs from Alex's lap and put her head there instead. "We'll make it."

Alex smiled down at the girl in her lap, taking a mental picture. She leaned down and kissed Piper slowly, caressing her cheek with her hand. "I love you, Pipes."

"Love you too." Piper mumbled against Alex's lips.

Alex and Piper spent the rest of the day together, they were never far from the others reach. They shared little touches, a brushing of fingers. Alex's hand on the small of Piper's back. Piper's fingers brushing against Alex's neck. They were small gestures but each touch conveyed the love the women had for each other, as if each touch was a silent contract between the two of them that they would remember these little touches and they would live to feel them again. It was after lunch and Piper had followed Alex back to her bunk, Fischer was on duty and so they cuddled together. They had fallen into a comfortable silence, just enjoying being in the other's company. It was only when Alex started to hum a familiar song that the silence was broken, Piper giggled.

"Are you really humming Damien Rice?" She asked, incredulously.

"So what if I am?" Alex replied in mock defense.

"A little morose for you, isn't it?" She stated, more than asked. "I love that song.." Piper continued quietly, prompting Alex to go back to her humming. She couldn't remember all of the words to that song but she remembered the end of it - she and Piper had danced together for what seemed like an age to that part of the song. One of Piper's strange and random obsessions at the time.

"And so it is, Just like you said it should be, We'll both forget the breeze..." Piper recited quietly, a small smile forming at the edge of her lips. She turned around in Alex's embrace so that she faced her. "I don't want to leave."

Alex could see the panic in Piper's eyes at her admission and Alex only nodded and pulled her closer, leaning down so her mouth was by Piper's ear. "And after just a taste of your love dear, I realized I'd been starving my whole life." She recited in a quiet whisper. She felt Piper's body relax in her arms as the blonde recognised the familiar line.

"Martinez," Alex could hear the smile in Piper's voice, "You remembered."

"Of course." Alex kissed the top of Piper's head and wrapped her arms tighter around her waist. "I don't want you to leave." She finally replied to Piper's earlier admission, "But you have to."

Piper sniffled beneath her and Alex felt the blonde's arms wrap around her.

"As sappy and corny as this may sound... You may be leaving Pipes but you'll stay with me. These little moments that we have now, they'll stay with me here until the time comes around again where we can replace these moments with new ones - better ones."

Piper looked up and kissed the underside of Alex's chin gently, "Prison turned you into a soft and sappy lesbian but I suppose I love you all the more for it." She replied, giving Alex a squeeze.

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes, looking down to kiss Piper again. For once they weren't interrupted and Alex was allowed to enjoy their moment together, Nicky had been right. She needed to treasure each day that she had left with Piper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short post, I know I know, but I didn't have too much time to write today but I wanted to post something as it is my birthday tomorrow and I didn't want to leave you guys high and dry for two days in a row. As always, please leave a review and I hope you enjoyed reading :D


	13. Drowning In You

_I don't have a heart. I gave it to you long ago._   
_I'm so in love with you, I just thought that you should know._

* * *

Alex counted down the days, seven months and five days. That was all the time she had left with Piper. Before Litchfield, that would have seemed like an eternity to Alex but stuck behind these same gray walls with the same view and the same people each day for company, Alex knew that those seven months and five days would fly by. She was terrified of losing Piper, it was a feeling she could never shake; it sat at the bottom of her stomach stirring each time she had a moment to herself. Alex couldn't hide her relief as well as she had wanted to when Piper's mom called her to say that they wouldn't be able to reduce Nicky's sentence as she was already serving the minimum time for her crimes. At least she wouldn't be alone, not for a while longer at least. She had a brief conversation with Nicky, repeating word for word what Alex herself had been told and Nicky only nodded and then left, probably to find Lorna. Alex felt bad for her friend but she was glad Nicky hadn't seem to cut up about it - she wouldn't have to be away from Lorna for long. There was still no progress as far as Alex's case was going which was infuriating, the constant sitting in the unknown was almost driving her mad if it hadn't been for the wonderful distraction that was Piper. Ever since their quiet moment on her bunk Piper always seemed to be there, determined to spend as much time with Alex as she could.

Alex was with Piper, they were talking quietly about their time on a beach on Spain when Nicky walked over towards them.

"Hey." Nicky said, blandly and lacking her usual humorous tone.

"Hey Nichols, you okay?" Alex asked, concerned for her friend. Maybe Nicky hadn't handled the news as well as she thought.

"Uh, yeah. I just wanted to talk about what was going to happen after we all get out of here, Lorna is gonna get here as soon as she parks her van up but we can talk later if it's a bad time"

"No, no. Nicky it's fine. Sit down." Piper said warmly, adjusting her position against Alex so that she faced the bunk opposite.

"What d'you wanna know?" Alex prompted gently.

"Well..." Nicky began, quickly interrupted by the arrival of Lorna. It was silent for a few moments whilst Lorna sat down next to Nicky. "I was wondering now that we know that I'm not getting out for a while what Lorna and Piper were gonna do when they were released?"

Piper shared a look with Lorna, Alex guessed the two had already discussed this between themselves.

"Well, the original plan that Alex thought of was that Lorna and I would go to London ahead of you two.." Piper said, her tone telling Alex that she thought it was a ridiculous plan. "But we discussed it the other day," Piper gestured to Lorna, "And we decided we would find a small apartment not too far from the prison so we can visit you two every week before you get out. After that we can do anything."

Nicky nodded slowly and looked from Alex to Piper to Lorna and then back again. "Right. Okay." The relief in her voice was evident, they all knew she cared for Lorna much more than she would dare to let on.

"I think that if my case goes in my favour then I have a chance of getting my time reduced by just over half, so I'll probably be out in a year or so after Nicky - if i stay out of trouble that is." Alex piped up, tightening her hold around Piper's shoulders.

The four of them talked for a while longer about their prominent futures before Nicky and Lorna left for the chapel to get some serious "Prayer time" in before final count. Alex and Piper had laughed and made a few raunchy jokes as the pair left but soon descended into silence.

"Maybe it won't be so bad.." Piper mumbled after a while.

"What won't be?" Alex asked, looking down at her girlfriend.

"Me leaving." Piper looked up at Alex, judging her reaction. "I mean - I'll still be able to see you even if our interactions are limited. You can call me whenever you want and we can write to each other too. It won't be too bad, right?"

Alex sighed, it would be awful, she wanted to say. She decided to humour Piper for now - a little white lie couldn't hurt. "Sure, it won't be the worst thing in the world I guess." Alex did her best to sound optimistic about it but her tone was cold and morbid. She leaned into Piper and kissed the top of her head to silence any thing the blonde had been about to say.

Alex figured that whilst the extra years she was incarcerated at Litchfield without Piper, the days would go a little faster if she knew Piper was there when she needed her. She would still see her, be able to hear her voice and hear about her day and how much Polly still hates her. She sighed and pulled Piper up off of the bunk with her, pushing her lightly. "Go on, it's almost time for final count."

Piper nodded and left, silent. Alex wondered what she had been thinking about and hoped that whatever it was - it wasn't too serious. Alex needed these last seven months to go by without a single hiccup, for both her and Piper's sake. She was glad that they didn't seem to be having too much trouble at the moment, the Bible hicks left them alone for the most part - sparing them a glare every now and then. The guards seem to have relaxed again after Christmas and prison life was back to normal. Apart from Red still not being back in the kitchen.

 _'Seven months and four days,'_ Alex wrote the next morning.  
 _Sometimes time seems to fly by so quickly in here, I guess they were right when they said that time flies when you're having fun. I'm writing these letters for you to read when you get out Piper. In part, I'm using this as my own therapy but they're also so that you have a piece of me with you when you leave, a new discovery about me a new conversation. I'm going to do my best to forget that I'm going to actually give these to you soon so that I can be completely honest with how this all makes me feel. No, I'm not going to get all sappy. I am not a sappy lesbian, shut the fuck up._

_Seven months and four days. You're already handing out some of your stuff to people because "you won't need it for much longer" it's pretty scary. It still feels like just yesterday you were standing in front of me in your orange uniform screaming. Whilst that was both scary and hilarious, I never thought we would end up where we are today. I'm actually committing and settling down, woah Vause who are you and what have you done with the real me? Just kidding. We've never really talked about the future have we? I mean, before all of this. We were so obsessed with living for the moment - at least I was. Maybe it's good though, it felt like freedom back then. Not thinking that we had to have an endgame, that we weren't really working towards anything; we were just living. Fuck, it was amazing. There was no better way to live, I had money, power and a beautiful girl by my side. I mean the sex was good too, I guess._

_Today you've been unusually quiet and although I've been wondering why you have that look in your eye that tells me you're just going to lie about it. I'm probably going to try anyway, I'm a glutton for punishment. Hold on, you're here I'm going to ask you._

_Fuck! You're so stupid Piper, I can't believe you would think I would actually believe you were thinking about what you were going to eat when you got out of here. I mean, I know I'm no Smith Grad but give me a little credit at least. You are totally out of it today but I will get to the bottom of this - don't you worry. You better not be planning anything stupid Piper Chapman because I will tie you down to your bunk to stop you from doing anything rash if I have to. Although, you would probably enjoy that. Perv._

_I need to go and fold some fucking sheets. I heart you, silly blonde WASP. Alex._

Alex shoved the letter into the space in her private box she had recently cleared for them, they were going to help her and maybe Piper would benefit from knowing all of this - after she left of course. Alex made her way to the laundry room and got to work straight away, shooting daggers at any of the hicks who dared to look her way. Pennsatucky had been reassigned since the 'incident' and so the laundry room was often peaceful and silent. Most days, Alex would consider this a blessing but today the silence was unbearable. She was relieved when Nicky strutted into the room, wearing her tool belt.

"Well, if it isn't my hero in a brown leather belt." Alex smirked, greeting Nicky.

"Hey Vause, I'm meant to be fixing one of the lights in here but I really can't be fucked. Chapman ain't at work today this was her job. What you done with her?"

Alex looked at Nicky, trying to decide whether or not she was being fucked with. "Piper's not at work? Shit, I don't know. I saw her earlier but she was being all weird - tried to tell me she was thinking about food."

Nicky laughed, "And she thought you'd buy that? She must be out of it."

Alex raised her brows in agreement and looked down at the pile of clothes in front of her. Where could Piper be? She wasn't normally this cagey unless she was planning something. "You don't think she would do anything stupid do you? Like, more stupid than the usual stupid shit that she does?"

Nicky shrugged and leaned towards Alex, "I would say no but had you asked me a few months ago if I thought Chapman could beat the shit out of Pennsatucky I woulda' said no then too."

Alex nodded somberly, even she hadn't thought that Piper would have it in her to do what she did to Pennsatucky. Nicky went back to work and the girls worked in silence until lunch, Nicky was serving as a good distraction with her constant humour and so Alex wasn't able to worry about Piper as much as she wanted to. They got in the food line, cracking jokes with each other. Alex was handed her tray and she followed behind Nicky to the suburbs table, at the sight of a familiar bob of blonde hair Alex felt relief wash through her. Then she felt stupid for worrying so much.  _Calm down, Alex_. Alex sat down next to Piper and the two ate in silence for a while, listening to the conversation around them rather than participating, Alex put down her knife and grabbed Piper's hand, the blonde looked at her and gave her a small smile, squeezing Alex's hand. They returned to eating with only one hand now, Alex couldn't help but feel that it wasn't only her who was comforted by the hand holding.

**Piper was crying. Alex had no idea what to do, they had been together for almost two years now but Alex still couldn't be rid of the helplessness she felt when she saw Piper like this. Piper didn't often let herself cry around Alex, probably partly because Alex was useless at the whole 'comforting' thing.**

**"Pipes? Please don't cry," Alex groaned. "I'm sorry okay?" Alex walked over to Piper and took her into her arms, glad when she didn't pull away. Prior to the crying they had been having an argument and Alex cursed her big mouth. "Listen, you know what I'm like - I just get carried away. I'm not going anywhere without you."**

**Piper sniffled but didn't look up at Alex, "Well maybe you should, what good am I doing here?" She whimpered.**

**Alex sighed and held on to Piper tightly, "You are doing so much more for me than you realise Pipes. I would have gone stir crazy without you here beside me. I love you okay and I'm so fucking sorry I said what I did. I didn't mean it."**

**Piper finally looked up at her, her eyes red and puffy. "Are you sure?"**

**Alex smiled warmly down at her girlfriend, using one hand to wipe her tears, "I've never been more sure of anything in my life." She leaned down and planted a quick and sweet kiss on Piper's lips and then hugged her, she still felt terrible for making Piper cry but she seemed to know just how to push all of Alex's buttons sometimes.**

**"I love you too," Piper mumbled into Alex's shoulder. Alex felt Piper's hands reach around to grab one of Alex's and she intertwined their fingers; locking them together.**

"Jesus, Alex! Quit daydreaming, let's go!" Nicky hollered at her. Alex shook her head and saw Piper looking at her, smiling. Alex returned the smile and brought their clasped hands upwards so she could place a kiss on Piper's hand before releasing her palm and going to dump her tray. Alex's mood was much brighter for the remainder of the day, she joked around with Nicky whilst she did the slowest repair job Alex had ever seen.

"So Nichols, how's life with Morello?" Alex asked, a slightly smug smile on her face.

"Fan-fucking-tastic. I haven't been this sexually satisfied since.. well, ever." Nicky laughed loudly, much to the dismay of the hicks who were hiding somewhere in the back of the room.

"I'm sure she feels the same way," Alex chuckled. "I'm just glad you're not fucking pining over her like a lovesick puppy anymore, Jesus, I thought I had seen it all but  _that_  - that was something else." She chided.

"Yeah, yeah. Alright, Vause. Like you're one to talk. Miss 'Piper was different' " Nicky returned the jab, grinning.

"Touché." Alex surrendered, laughing now. Nicky had her.

After dinner, which was a tedious affair she headed back to her bunk with Nicky in tow. There had been no sight of either Piper or Lorna at dinner.

"You think they're plotting something?" Alex joked as they sat down.

"Probably devising a way to force us into getting hitched to them. They're devious those types, I'm telling you."

"You ever thought about getting married one day?" Alex asked, her tone serious now.

Nicky looked at Alex dubiously, "You about to propose to me Vause?"

Alex narrowed her eyes at Nicky, "I'm being serious, Nicky."

Nicky shrugged, fiddling with the coarse blanket beneath her. "I dunno. I never thought I would get married but with Lorna... It's different. I can see myself actually having a future with her, you know?"

Alex nodded, oh she knew. "I always told Piper that marriage and settling down wasn't me but I'm not so sure about that anymore.I mean if it's what makes her happy then it can't be too bad."

Nicky laughed at Alex, "You can't marry her just because it makes  _her_  happy, dumbass. You've got to want it too."

"I know. I just - The only thing I know I want is her, everything else is kinda a blur."

"Maybe you need some new glasses."

Alex pushed Nicky lightly, chuckling. She supposed marriage wasn't as much of an absurd idea as it had once seemed. Just because you got married didn't mean you had to have the white picket fence and a house in the suburbs. They could still be free, visit any place they wanted on a whim. It wasn't totally impossible. She also supposed that being married to Piper wouldn't be the worst thing in the world either, it would at least mean they were tied to each other and right now, that kind of commitment had never seemed more appealing. Nicky left a while after that to go and talk to Red. Alex stayed on her bunk for a few minutes longer before she decided to go and try to find Piper, she started outside first. Heading towards the track she heard the familiar pounding of feet on the hard ground, she stood by the fence and watched Piper run. "What are you running from, Piper..." She mumbled to herself.

"Certainly not you," A voice quipped from behind her.

Alex jumped, startled and turned to find Morello behind her. "Oh, hey." She laughed, somewhat nervously. "Didn't see you there."

Morello nodded and joined Alex by the fence to watch Piper run, "I know you're worried about her." She stated. "She tells me stuff like that, points out how she can tell what you're feeling without even having to ask you; it's pretty interesting really."

Alex stayed quiet, listening to Morello. She and Piper had become better friends than she had originally thought.

"She's been out here for a while, she don't stop at all, like she's a robot or something." Lorna mused, glancing towards Alex. "Listen, Alex. We haven't talked that much so I know it's probably not my place to say anything but I'm worried about Piper. Well, I'm worried about the both of you really." She paused, gauging Alex's reaction to her words and when Alex didn't tell her to mind her own, she continued. "I think you're both pretending to be much more okay with all of this than you're letting on and it's gonna destroy what you have if you're not honest with each other. Piper told me that you've talked about how all this made you feel - not just her leaving now but before too. But I can tell that you're probably just trying to protect her still.." Lorna trailed off, looking at Piper again.

Alex nodded, her face grim. She had avoided talking about that stuff with Piper at all costs, sometimes it just wasn't worth the pain that it caused. "I'm trying to be strong for her, Lorna. Sometimes the only way I can be strong is to block all that out." Alex surprised herself with her honesty, the admission felt like it was more to herself than to Lorna.

"Maybe you should just be strong in a different kinda way Alex. You don't always have to pretend everything's okay to look like you're strong." Lorna offered Alex a smile, "Anyway I'm off to find  _my_  girl - you go talk to yours. If she ever stops running."

"Thanks Lorna." Alex said as the short woman walked away. Alex turned to look at Piper again, mulling over what Lorna had said. Maybe she didn't always have to be strong for Piper but it was almost second nature to her now to protect the blonde, if that meant locking away her emotions then so be it. Alex eventually settled on the grass deciding to wait till Piper stopped running before she would do or say something.

It had been almost an hour since Alex had started watching Piper and Piper was yet to even stop running for a moment to just catch her breath. Alex frowned, she knew Piper was a runner but she was sure that going non stop like that wasn't good for your health. She stood and strode over to the track, waiting for Piper to get closer to her before reaching out with a hand and grabbing Piper's shirt, dragging her to a stop.

"The fuck!" She growled before turning to see who had grabbed her. Her face softened at the sight of Alex.

Alex surveyed Piper silently, the blonde was breathing heavily now, her face red and covered in sweat. "Piper you okay?"

Piper wheezed and nodded her head before stumbling backwards a little.

"Okay sit down right there." Alex demanded, frustrated at Piper's lack of self-consideration. "Are you trying to fucking kill yourself? How long have you been out here?"

"Not that long." Piper managed quietly, her breathing slightly more in control.

"Don't try and bullshit me again Piper, I've been out here for an hour already and Morello told me you were out here before that too."

"Fine, a few hours. I don't know, I lost track of time."

Alex sighed and plopped down next to Piper, rubbing her shoulders. "You okay, kid?"

Piper nodded sullenly, "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

Alex laughed, "Yeah sure, I'll do my best not to."

"I thought I was gonna be way more ripped than this when I got out of here, I'm almost disappointed."

"You could always participate in a different kind of exercise with me," Alex remarked, smirking.

"Oh you would enjoy that huh?"

"Muchly."

Piper leaned into Alex and let her head rest on her shoulder. Alex turned her head to kiss the top of Piper's, inhaling the scent of her. Despite her being sweaty, Piper still managed to smell sweet; as if she bathed in rose water. Alex thought that she wouldn't mind drowning if it was Piper she was drowning in. She wrapped her arms around Piper and led her so that they were both laying down on the grass, looking up at the slowly darkening sky. They still had a little while till final count and the guard wasn't paying attention to them.

"You are the most addictive thing I have ever come across." Alex murmured, breaking the silence.

Piper chuckled, "That is truly something, coming from a drug dealer."

Alex smiled and turned so that she lay on her side, facing Piper who now had her eyes closed. She forgot what she was going to say as she silently observed the beauty in front of her, how had she let her walk out of her apartment ten years ago. Piper hadn't changed much, there were a few signs here and there that she had matured but Alex decided they only added to her beauty.

"Stop staring at me, weirdo." Piper muttered, trying to hold in a smile.

"I wasn't staring, I was observing." Alex countered.

"Whatever you say, Stretch."

Alex gaped at Piper. "Did you really just-"

"You bet."

"Oh I'll make you pay for that."

"Oh yeah? How?" Piper opened one eye, a smug smile plastered on her face.

Alex let her hands trail down Piper's waist and arched a brow at her girlfriend, "Give me five minutes and a utility closet and I'm sure you'll find out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I had a great day and I'm pretty sure I ate the equivalent of myself in pizza and cake. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who reviews my story, they really give me the push I need to work harder at making this the best I can. I want to send out a special thanks to Maritexxam, ToTheBarricades and bluepaintbox for your continued support from the very beginning of this fic, your reviews are very much appreciated and they make my day. Of course, thanks to everyone else who both reviews and takes the time to even read this in the first place!
> 
> As always, please leave a review and I hope you enjoyed reading :D


	14. The Weight Of Us

_If forgot who I am,_  
Would you please remind me?  
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

* * *

_6 months and 29 days, our impending doom is inching ever closer.  
You say that I'm not being open enough with you at the moment, if only you knew how open I am with you now. When you're asleep in your bunk and I wake in the middle of the night and go and sneak over to look at you, watch the slow rise and fall of your chest and with each passing moment I feel more sure that I will be able to let you go when your time comes, that I will be strong and tell you it will all be okay; but then morning comes and your blue eyes shatter my resolve. Because it's not going to be okay, is it? I'm not going to be able to be strong and in the end I'll be the one who needs you to be strong for me. Ask me five years ago if I had thought I would see Piper Chapman in prison I would have said fuck no, ask me five years ago if I could see any kind of future with Piper Chapman I would have laughed till I cried, because I couldn't see it but boy did I fucking want it. I just hope this time I really am going to get it._

_"All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me." I'll probably be living by that when you're gone. Shakespeare always knew what was up and as terribly shopworn and cliché-ridden as his work is I have to admit that he explains this shit better than anyone else, me unsurprisingly included. I think it's safe to say that I am well and truly fucked, completely vulnerable here. Something that I am slowly learning to become accustomed to - only for you. I spend a long time at night, convincing myself that just because I'm vulnerable when it comes to you it doesn't mean that I'm weak and yet I know that's not true. You've never been good for me Piper, the same way I've never been good for you. We're incredibly destructive and stubborn and we value our pride so much that sometimes we would rather the things around us fell apart than have any part of that scathed. Little did we know, back then, that we were hurting ourselves more than we were hurting each other and the people around us. We fucked ourselves up even more than we did to each other, and yet - here we are both wanting more. I'm not sure if that makes us crazy, self-destructive or bordering on suicidal. Maybe it's all three. I think you'll moan at me when you read all of these, tell me that I'm being stupid and whilst we're both stupid our love tops all of it. Maybe you'll even go as far to say it conquers it and then I'll laugh at you and make some stupid joke about how I conquered you. The truth is, I think it was more you who conquered me. Say it loud and proud, Chapman. You conquered the great Vause._

_Hah, love you shitface. Alex._

* * *

Prison was cruel, Alex decided one night as she sat against the wall of her cube. Here she was, meant to be spending the night with her beautiful girlfriend and she was being cornered by Nicky. As much as she cared about her friend, getting in Alex's way when she should be seducing Piper behind an alter in a dark chapel was very dangerous and Alex could feel her annoyance rising in her.

"I just don't get it, Vause. One minute she's talking about how much she loves me and that it was a mistake that she chose Christopher and then the next minute she's freaking out and talking about how one day I'll realise I don't love her and that she don't deserve no one and that maybe she should have just stayed on her own after Christopher left - like, what the fuck!" Nicky yammered on, not really taking notice of whether or not Alex was actually listening to her. "I mean I can understand that she's not really over the grieving process yet and jumping into something new and serious straight away is probably fucking with her head a little but.. shit. I just need to chill out." Nicky seemed to talk herself into an understanding and it was only then that she noticed Alex's faraway and distant expression. "Hey Vause. You even fuckin' listening to me?"

Alex looked at Nicky slowly and forced a small smile, "Sure."

Nicky laughed, not in the least bit put out by her friends reaction. "Good to know that such a good looking wall is here to listen to me rant."

"The wall will be grateful for your silence" Alex deadpanned.

Nicky put her hands on her chest, smirking. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day.." She began as if professing her love for the wall.

"You're more like a summer's wind, so blow the fuck away." Alex interjected before getting off of her bunk to go and find Piper. She couldn't help but smile through her annoyance, at least she would still have Nicky and her banter; she heard Nicky's raucous laughter as she walked out of the dorms and joined in.

It didn't take Alex long to find Piper who was impatiently waiting for her at the back of the library. It seemed their window for the chapel had passed. Alex arched a brow at Piper's clearly irritable state and briefly wondered if she would have been better off staying with Nicky. "What's got your panties in a twist? I know it isn't me because I just got here." Alex smirked as she sat down next to her girlfriend, amused at her own little joke.

"Who have you been writing to?" Piper asked, Alex's humour was apparently lost on the now very serious blonde.

Alex clenched her jaw, "I'm not writing to anyone."

"Don't lie to me Alex, I see you everyday without fail get out your paper and write shit down and then you put it in an envelope and shove it under your bed."

Alex felt a moment of panic then, wondering if Piper had looked in her precious box. She was soothed almost immediately however by her mind reminding her that if Piper had looked in the box, she wouldn't be asking who the letters were for. Still, Alex felt the familiar feeling in her stomach of nerves - it would be so easy for her to tell Piper that the letters were for her, so that she could better understand her but she didn't want to tell her. Not yet at least. "Alright, I just write letters to my mom sometimes." Alex admitted, she wasn't exactly telling a lie because she did sometimes do that. Just not often. "I can't talk to her anymore so I figured a letter would do. Even if I don't have her to send them to."

Piper nodded, her eyes calming. "Sorry I didn't mean to pry, Alex." Alex heard the guilt in Piper's voice and it immediately made her feel guilty.

"Pipes, don't worry about it. It's okay for you to be curious. I would be too." Alex smiled at Piper, trying to reassure her. Piper was going to kill her when she found out. She pulled Piper close to her and settled for a quiet afternoon of cuddling rather than the spirited activity she had previously planned in the chapel. As long as Piper was in her arms, she found she was happy. They sat together, enjoying the warmth from the other's arms until the call for dinner came. Alex repressed a sigh, yet another day had passed without her really noticing - Alex was more than sure that the rest of her sentence wouldn't go this fast. Alex and Piper walked into the canteen together, both falling back into their easy and happy characters when they joined their friends at the table. It seemed their quiet and reserved attitudes were only shared between them. Maybe it was just a coping method, Alex mused. Despite her best efforts to involve herself in the tables conversation, Alex couldn't help but feel like something was wrong. She had no appetite and dropped her fork, looking disdainfully down at her food. She was lost to her surroundings, it was as if the whole world had become invisible, leaving only Alex and her tray and a pair of eyes that burned into her from across the vast empty space. These eyes were ones that she was not familiar with, they weren't the eyes of Leanne or Pennsatucky. They weren't the lust filled eyes of her girlfriend. These eyes were cold, unloving and filled with disgust and hate and yet, Alex felt no qualms about staring into them, glaring even. The eyes glared back at her and she felt anger bubble up in her stomach, rising quickly to her throat. Who did these eyes think they were, looking at her like that. Alex was barely aware of someone calling her name, quietly at first but they quickly turned into shouts. Was that Piper? Alex tried to drag her eyes away from the ones that burned into her skull to look for the sea of blue she now longed to see, why were they shouting? She couldn't find the eyes she was looking for until she looked back at the ones that glared to evilly at her. The blues were by them and Alex felt afraid for them. She didn't want those strange eyes to harm her sea, she was moving closer towards the eyes when she was halted and snapped from her trance by her collision with the floor. She sat up confused, someone had the good grace to trip her apparently. She glared at the person closest to her - Taystee before she hastily scanned the room. She found the hateful eyes and was not surprised when she discovered they belonged to Healy. Alex had never realised her anger towards the man but she was less than surprised to find it there. Of course she despised the man who left the woman she loved to die at the hands of a crazy methhead.

Piper was by Alex the next second, pulling her up from the floor and dragging her back to the table. Alex was surprised at how far she had walked. The whole table was silent, looking at her confused. Alex saw the anger in Piper's eyes and flinched away from it, choosing instead to look at Nicky.

"You okay Vause?" Nicky asked, hesitantly.

Fine. Alex answered in her head before realising that Nicky wasn't telepathic. "Fine." She voiced, her voice steady and even.

"Right." Nicky forked a piece of dry looking beef and held it up, "So, what the fuck was that all about?"

Alex shrugged, not being entirely sure. Maybe she had experienced some of what Piper had felt the day she almost killed Pennsatucky. That cold, white hot rage where you don't see red but all you see is that one thing. That one thing that you have to destroy. Alex shrugged, hiding her inner turmoil. "I'm tired." She said, standing and walking out of the canteen. Ignoring the calls behind her, she was glad Healy had vanished. She walked down towards her cube, silently seething. Angry with herself, how stupid she had been. She couldn't allow herself to get out of control like that especially not with a CO; the last thing she needed was to end up in max. She got to her bunk quickly and lay down, snapping her eyes shut and willing herself to go to sleep. Eventually, her body complied.

Alex woke up a few hours after, her eyes still tired. She stood for final count like everyone else and was glad to find that no one bothered her when the COs had finished her count. She sat down on her bunk and took out her paper, taking a deep breath, she began to write about everything that had happened to her at dinner. The things she had felt, how the world had been consumed by her hate for that man and how she couldn't even register what she was doing or where she was going. She was a prisoner of her own anger and of her own mind. As if she needed to be stuck in another prison. When she had finished she stuffed it into the box, vaguely aware that Piper knew what she was doing now and that she should probably find a new place to store all of her letters. She decided she could do it later because she really wanted to be asleep by the time Nicky and Piper stopped talking and decided to head towards her. It didn't take long for her to fall back to her silent dark sanctuary.

There was rustling. Alex frowned and moaned. She didn't want to get up yet. The rustling stopped for a moment and Alex felt herself drifting again, off into the quiet darkness that was sleep. The rustling started again, this time accompanied by a dragging sound. Something told Alex that she should be worried but she pushed it from her thoughts, all she wanted was to sleep for a while longer. She rolled over and her arm dropped off of the side of her bunk, she didn't feel the usual thump it made as it hit the side of the box underneath her bed but that didn't worry her - she just assumed it had been pushed backwards. There were quiet whispers from further up the dorm and more rustling. It was keeping Alex awake and this annoyed her because she knew she would have to get up soon so she could shower with Piper. She groaned again when the whispers didn't stop and so she forced herself awake, about to tell whoever it was to shut up when she recognised the voices. Nicky and Piper. Alex listened now with curiosity, her annoyance quickly fading. She could only make out a few words like "angry", "stupid" and "what if" but it wasn't until she heard her own name being said that her curiosity really peaked. Then it faltered and she swallowed hard, sweat forming in the palms of her hands as she put two and two together. She slid out of her bed, being careful not to draw attention to herself and looked underneath. The box was gone. The next few seconds went very quickly as she felt multiple emotions run through her at once, first anger that they had taken it from her. Second, betrayed that they had not trusted her enough to think she would tell them in good time. Third, sadness that her small piece of privacy had been snatched from her and finally relief. Relief that she didn't have to face up to telling anyone the things that had gone through her head over the past months. Then she felt numb and so she climbed back into her bed and lay awake under the blanket. She stared up at the ceiling, learning every mark and its location by heart by the time dawn rolled around and Piper jollied over to her bunk to wake her for their shower. Alex lay, wide eyed and unmoving as Piper called her name. She didn't even look at her, the feelings Alex had experienced last night rolled back into her with a great force and suddenly Alex couldn't decide what was better; to feel it all at once or not at all. Piper eventually left dejectedly and Alex assumed she had diverted on her way to the showers to talk to Nicky because suddenly her bushy haired friend was there, staring down at Alex.

"Get up." Nicky commanded, her face void of the usual smugness it held.

Alex stayed silent and looked around Nicky and back to the familiar constellations of dirt on the ceiling. She enjoyed looking at them much more at the moment.

"Vause, get the fuck up." Nicky's voice was firmer this time but still, Alex ignored it.

"Alex I will drag you out of this bed if I have to. Can you at least fucking blink so I know you're still alive in there!"

Alex blinked and then turned away from Nicky, ignoring the further threats and pleas her friend made. Eventually, Nicky left too and Alex was alone again. Alex could feel herself falling, falling where; she didn't know. She turned and looked for those blue eyes that were her safe harbour and then she remembered that those blue eyes had left her too. Her safe harbour had floated away from her and suddenly Alex was drowning. She'd fallen into the sea and now she was going to drown in it. She thought of how only days before she had thought drowning in Piper would be the best way to die. She laughed sardonically, oh how that irony stung her now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post guys! Took me a while to write this as I was trying to find the best way to approach Alex's new feelings towards Healy in both a way I hadn't seen/read before but also in a way that suited me and the character that I imagine Alex to be. Got some dark times in store for Alex but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end :P   
> Thanks so much for the great reviews you guys are giving me, as I said before; they are very much appreciated. As always, please leave a review and thanks for reading :D


	15. Stuck

_Please don't stand so close to me._   
_I'm having trouble breathing,_   
_I'm afraid of what you'll see right now._

* * *

Piper was standing in front of Alex's cube again sooner than she thought she would be. Alex glanced at her girlfriends face, the only acknowledgment she would give the blonde, before returning her gaze to the ceiling again. Alex didn't have the energy to discuss whatever Piper had found in that box and she didn't have the energy to try and sort through the emotions that coursed through her. She wished for the numbness again.

"Alex please say something." Piper begged, walking towards the bunk.

Alex's only response was to close her eyes, as if by closing the sight of Piper out she wouldn't have to deal with it all. Alex felt something press down on her bed and figured Piper must have sat down, she shifted away and closer to the wall. She heard Piper sigh.

"Alex don't be a child. What's wrong with you? Why are you being like this?"

Alex's temper flared, anger, hurt and betrayal flaring up through the mess of her head and her eyes snapped open to glare at Piper, "Fuck off Piper. You have no fucking right." Her tone matched her icy glare and from the reaction on Piper's face, Alex knew that she knew what she meant.

"Al..I..I was-" Piper stammered.

"Piper. Fuck. Off."

Piper nodded slowly, biting down on her lip in a clear sign to show she was holding back tears. Alex didn't break though, she closed her eyes and tried to block out Piper's irregular breathing as she started to cry. Alex kept her eyes closed until she felt Piper leave again. Then she felt guilty, she was pissed yes but that didn't mean she had to act like that with Piper, surely? She sighed and got up, knowing that she wouldn't be able to get out of work and maybe forcibly being separated from everyone that actually cared about her for a while today would do her some good. She had missed both breakfast and her shower time so she got dressed quickly and stumbled down towards the laundry room, she worked in silence, slowly folding each sheet and uniform with more precision than ever. She was doing everything possible to keep herself neutral and numb for just a while longer knowing that with each passing minute she grew closer to the unavoidable conversation Piper was going to force her to have. Alex briefly wondered just how long she could postpone that conversation. Eventually lunch rolled around and Alex decided it would be in her best intentions to skip it, her appetite hadn't quite returned yet. It was to her utmost surprise when Bennett walked into the laundry room and told her to take the rest of the day off and that working whilst she was ill was going to help no one. She had arched a brow but said nothing about it as she walked back to her cube. This had to have something to do with Nicky and Piper, Alex was sure of it. She lay down on her bunk, briefly using a hand to feel that her box still hadn't been returned.

"Ah, Miss Vause. Finally."

Alex froze, that voice. That was the last voice she had expected and wanted to hear right now. She closed her eyes as she turned to face the offending sound before she opened them in a cold, hateful glare. "Healy."

"I thought it best to give you the day off, considering the awful state you were in yesterday at dinner." The man mused, "You look tired. Is your little girlfriend keeping you up at night?" He sneered.

Alex's defences turned on, "She is, and what a wonderful distraction she is." Alex retorted, smirking.

Healy strode over to her, grabbing her by the collar of her shirt and slamming her into the wall of her cube - knocking the air out of her lungs. Alex knew better than to fight him, he had the power to get her sent down to max and she wanted to avoid that at all costs.

"You little lesbians will learn one way or another, just you wait." He said, breathing his coffee stained breath in Alex's face. "Your little girlfriend probably didn't tell you, SHU wasn't her only punishment for Pennsatucky." He smiled before dropping Alex back onto her bunk and walking away, whistling.

"Fucking dick." Alex muttered, leaning back against the wall she had previously been slammed against in an attempt to get her breath back. She frowned at Healy's words, what hadn't Piper told her? Was Healy just trying to mess them up? Alex shook her head and pushed it to the back of her mind, she wasn't over her own shit yet and she didn't have the emotional capacity to be both angry and worried about Piper at the same time. She crawled into her bunk, rubbing her spine where she was sure she would get a nice bruise by the time dinner rolled around. Unable to fall asleep, she got up and wandered down to the nurse station. It had been a long time since she was last here but she got the nurse's attention and he smiled sympathetically at her before giving her the pills she was supposed to be taking. She stared down at the antidepressants as they lay in the small transparent cup in her hand. She hadn't liked them at first but she now craved the numbness that they supplied - if she couldn't get drugs then these were the next best thing. She chucked them into her mouth and swallowed them dutifully, slouching back to her bunk so she could sink down onto the hard surface. She closed her eyes and waited for the pills to take effect.

"Alex? You awake?" Piper's voice made Alex open her eyes and it was then that Alex realised she must have fallen asleep. To her delight she felt unsettlingly calm, the whirlwind of emotions she had been previously feeling had been dulled by the pills. She tilted her head at Piper.

"I guess so."

Piper blinked at the even voice Alex produced. "Oh. You spoke. I was expecting you to ignore me again." The blonde admitted.

Alex shrugged, wondering what she should be feeling right now.

"Nicky, she's awake." Piper said, over her shoulder. Nicky appeared a moment later and grinned at Alex, only faltering after a moment when it was not returned.

"You look happy." Nicky said, snorting.

Alex shrugged again, only half paying attention to the two women, still wondering if she was supposed to be angry with them or not. Piper came and sat down next to Alex, taking her hand into hers. Piper frowned at Alex when her hand remained slack. "Alex, I uh.." Piper sighed and looked at Nicky.

Nicky began to talk as she moved to sit down on the bunk opposite Alex. " _We're_ sorry that we went through your box. Piper was concerned after that little incident and she saw you writing earlier and figured that you had written to your mom about what happened. Well, then we found all that other stuff-"

"Alex I swear I only read the stuff that was addressed to me, and a couple things that weren't in envelopes." Piper cut Nicky off, the desperation to reach Alex in her voice evident.

Alex turned to look at Piper properly, "Okay." She managed to utter out, she had felt something when Nicky explained but it had quickly been suppressed again before she could make anything out of it and so the numbness returned.

"Okay? Alex what do you mean  _okay_?" Piper snapped.

Alex was getting agitated now, she was a little shocked at how quickly her behaviour seemed to change and she snatched her limp hand away from Piper's. "I mean fucking okay. It's not exactly a complex word Piper."

"Hey Vause, what's with the bipolar attitude. You're giving me whiplash here." Nicky piped.

"I'm fine." Alex slumped back against the wall, hitting her bruise which caused her to flinch. Something that didn't go unnoticed by either Nicky or Piper.

"You sure? You're looking pretty..." Nicky paused, as if finding the right words. "Well shit, you remind me of someone who's high."

Piper looked at Alex with a new concern now and Alex sighed. "I'm not high. I'm just tired, I was sleeping before you two interrupted me; if you hadn't noticed."

"You're not tired, Vause. Don't try to play coy with me - somethings wrong with it and fuck me if I'm not going to find out what it is."

"Sorry, you're not my type." Alex deadpanned, attempting some kind or normalcy to try and get the two off of her back.

"Nice try." Nicky smirked, not fooled for a second. "Piper hurry the fuck up with your explanation; Morello is waiting for me to fuck her in a utility closet."

Piper seemed to ignore Nicky's added information because she turned to look at Alex again without hesitation. "Alex. Please, I am so fucking worried that you're going to do something stupid to Healy and you're either going to end up in SHU or in max and I don't think I'll be able to survive knowing that you're in either of those places."

"You'll be fine." Alex mumbled, letting her eyes droop a little till she remembered what Healy had said to her earlier. "What other punishment did you get for Pennsatucky?" She asked.

"What? I uh, Alex. I don't want to talk about that." Piper deflected the question easily, as if she had been practising. Her voice gave away nothing.

"Healy told me that you got something else, apart from SHU."

"Chapman, that true?" Nicky asked, her own curiosity setting in now.

"I said I don't want to talk about it so can you both just drop it please."

"Well you can both leave then." Alex responded wearily. Her energy seemed to have escaped her once again and all she wanted to do now was lie in a dark cocoon that she would later create with her blanket. Nicky left without needing further encouragement but Piper once again lingered.

"Al, please. Just tell me what's going on in that head of yours. I can't get in and it's driving me crazy." Piper whispered, placing a hand on Alex's cheek.

"You and me both, kid." Alex muttered as she closed her eyes, settling for the darkness they provided. She let her head involuntarily lean into the hand that remained on her cheek and she felt her tense body relax at the soothing sensation the gentle caress of Piper's thumb provided. If being a tad bipolar meant that she got quiet time like this, then Alex could deal.

"Hey Vause, dinner time. Get up." Nicky bellowed into Alex's ear.

Alex grumbled but complied and walked sluggishly with Nicky towards the canteen. When Nicky pulled her aside she frowned. "Vause. I don't know what the hell you're on but this," Nicky gestured to Alex. "This is not you and you better snap the fuck out of it. You're not making Piper feel any less like you're going to go kill someone with the way you're acting." Nicky didn't wait for Alex to reply and stalked past her and into the canteen. Alex stood there for a moment, eyes wide and mouth parted slightly from the response she had been about to make. It was soon forgotten again and Alex walked back the way she had came, away from the canteen. Away from the noise. Instead, she walked to the nurse's station and stopped him when he tried to hand her the daily dose.

"I need something stronger. It's not working anymore." Alex demanded cooly.

The nurse arched an eyebrow at her but it was the end of his shift and he wanted to go home so he got out a stronger pill and placed them in the cup instead. "Here." He muttered, handing them to Alex.

Alex nodded, surprised at how easy it had been to get them and quickly downed them just in case he changed his mind. Alex then u-turned and walked down to the laundry room, knowing that it would be a while before anyone could find her here, she settled in a corner and allowed her head to lull back. She wanted to laugh at herself, the difficulty she had faced so much so that she had turned to writing how she felt down when the solution to it all was staring her in the face. If she could stay numb then she wouldn't have to worry about how she would feel when Piper left, when Nicky left, when her cousin visited, everything was so simple now. Who knew drugs would actually ever help her, these weren't half as destructive as the heroin had been. She was fairly confident she wouldn't throw up as a result of taking them. She frowned, anxious all of a sudden. What if the side effects of these were as bad as they had been with heroin? Could she really go through that again just so she didn't have to feel? Alex pushed the feeling down and closed her eyes, falling asleep quickly. She was awoken a fair few hours later by quiet giggles coming from inside the room. Alex looked around and frowned, where was she? She couldn't place herself in the dark room, she was surrounded by washing machines but that didn't help her place herself. Hadn't she just been at home in New York a moment ago? She thought she remembered buying some of her own product from one of her mules but then the next thing she knew, she was here. Wherever  _here_  was. She got to her feet, swaying slightly as she slowly remembered where she was. She was in prison, she wasn't taking heroin and she hadn't been home in god knows how long. She noticed the giggles had stopped and a dark figure made her way closer towards her, Alex swayed on the spot; not daring to move lest she fall over.

"Vause?" The figure asked.

"Uh." Was all Alex could seem to muster in response. Her head was pounding, she noticed.

"Damn, you look like shit." The voice, who now emerged to be Nicky said.

"Hey Alex, you okay?" The other figure, who Alex assumed to be Lorna, joined in.

"I uh." Alex frowned, unable to locate her words. Instead she just nodded. She was fine. She hoped she was, anyway.

"Don't think she's quite with us, Morello." Nicky murmured over her shoulder.

Alex tried to walk forward as if to prove she was fine but found that instead of going forward like she had intended she was actually moving backwards. She frowned again, this wasn't what was supposed to be happening.

"Shit!" Nicky blurted, reaching out to catch Alex. "Okay, let's go back to your bunk Sasquatch." Nicky, coupled with Lorna, carried Alex back to her cube and lay her down on her bunk. Alex wanted to protest and say that she wasn't tired and that she'd had a very nice sleep just a few moments ago till they had interrupted it but once again she couldn't make the words form and she was instantly irritated with her unresponsiveness.

"Should we find Piper?" Lorna whispered to Nicky, still watching Alex. Nicky nodded.

Alex could feel Nicky watching her and she rolled over so she didn't have to look at her friend anymore, she was still annoyed that she couldn't talk properly. It wasn't until Alex felt a familiar hand stroking her hair that she turned again, she felt the corners of her lips tug up into a small smile at the sight of Piper and she sighed content. She had gotten another precious moment. Piper leaned down, as if to plant a kiss on Alex's cheek and whispered;

"I don't know what's up with you but I am going to figure it out, and when I have figured it out, I am going to kick your ass." Piper rose back to her original position and smiled at Alex, a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes which told Alex how serious she was being. Alex shrugged and closed her eyes, leaning once again into her girlfriend's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter! As far as the effects the antidepressants are having on Alex such as mood swings, loss of appetite and even some difficulty remembering have all been proven effects of some types of antidepressant. Doing my best to stay true to what would actually happen if she took the pills but I'll admit to taking some minor creative liberties in order to help the story progress. Slow progress, I know but I promise we are getting somewhere! As always, please review and thanks for reading :D


	16. Dare To Let Go

Stare into the flame,  
Until you see beyond the light.  
All the while, truth was mine,  
It's with myself, I fight.

* * *

 

When Alex woke up again, she was surprised to see Piper still sitting there dutifully, her hand resting on Alex's hip. Alex sniffed and sat up, causing Piper to look at her. She smiled tentatively.

"Hey Pipes."

"Alex."

Alex nodded and shuffled around on the bed so that she could lean into Piper, needing to feel her embrace. Once she was nestled safely in her arms, Alex looked up and planted multiple kisses on the underside of Piper's jaw, her hand snaking around the blonde's waist. When Piper pulled away Alex groaned in frustration and was fully prepared to pout when she saw Piper's face.

"What are you doing?" Piper asked sternly.

"What does it look like?" Alex retorted, crossing her arms.

Piper laughed, "Oh no. You do not get to ignore me and then suddenly expect everything to be okay just because I'm here when you wake up."

"Why shouldn't it be okay?" Alex asked, stubbornly.

"Because we do not currently have a functioning relationship, Alex!" Piper huffed, exasperated. "One minute it's like you're not even here, the next you're just some cold, unfeeling thing sitting on your bunk all day and now you're just acting all normal! It's fucking weird, Alex."

Alex arched a brow at Piper, "Thing huh? That's a new one." She muttered before sighing and running a hand through her tangled hair. "I'm just trying to deal, okay."

Piper shook her head and looked sadly at Alex. "Yeah well, we're meant to deal with this together." Piper paused for a moment, looking down at her hands. "I thought we were a team."

Alex stared at Piper, her own words hitting her like a slap in the face. She had said those very same words to Piper that day in Paris but that... that was a totally different circumstance, a very painful one at that. She wasn't able to conjure up a response that made sense of the hurt and guilt that Piper's words caused. "Piper, I.."

"Save it, Alex. I get it. You're just trying to be strong, as usual."

Alex stood up abruptly, shaking her head furiously at Piper who still wasn't looking at her. "No. No. You do not get to do this to me. You do not get to make me feel guilty about this, I am doing my best Piper and my best isn't good - I fucking know. You have absolutely no clue about what's been going on in my head, why I've been the way I am so do not try and turn this on me."

It was Piper's turn to get angry and the blonde stood up to look Alex directly in the eye. "You're right," She hissed. "I don't know because you don't fucking talk to me Alex. Somehow you think that just because you are a normal, functioning and feeling human being that makes you weak! What the fuck kind of logic is that, huh? So if you're so desperate to show just how much I don't know, why don't you fucking tell me what I've been missing out on?"

Alex swallowed, looking away from Piper's eyes. Of course Alex hadn't told her, how could she? "It's not that easy, Piper."

"When is it ever fucking easy with me or you, Alex? Try again."

Alex sighed and slumped back down onto her bunk, defeated. She was aware of the eerie silence their argument had caused but chose to ignore it for now. "Why don't you just go read the letters again, Piper? Seeing as you were so desperate to look before."

Piper flinched, and sat down next to Alex. "I'm sorry about that Alex. I-I wasn't thinking straight. Nicky told me it was fucked up."

"Didn't stop either of you though, did it?"

Piper nodded once. "No, it didn't. I just don't get why you were hiding them from me."

Alex shrugged, her temper now fully deflated. "I was going to send them to you when you got out." The idea sounded stupid to Alex now and she wondered if she would have even gone through with it.

Piper reached over and took hold of one of Alex's hands firmly, "Please Alex. Just tell me what's happening."

Alex looked at Piper, searching her face for something. What was she looking for? Anger? Sadness? Pity? Alex knew she didn't want to see any of those things. She looked into Piper's eyes and saw what she had been looking for, that one emotion she had forgotten to grasp hold of when she welcomed the numbness. One feeling she had forgotten she was supposed to embrace rather than push away and forget. Love. She saw it then in Piper's eyes and she remembered seeing it countless times before, she saw then what she had been doing was selfish and stupid. Wasn't that Alex all over though? Self-absorbed and only ever caring about numero uno. Not anymore, she decided. Not anymore.

"I.. I couldn't deal with it all. The thought of losing you again, whether or not you said you would stay by me through all of this I can't push that feeling away Piper and so I looked for a way to subdue it. First I tried ignoring it and when that didn't work I tried writing. That worked for a while but eventually I grew numb to the security it provided me. Then I realised that all I needed to be was numb and all of these feelings that I had been struggling to keep in would fade and I would be fine, and what makes you more numb than drugs?" She paused, taking in Piper's now rigid stance. "Obviously I can't get my hands on any of the stuff I would have used before so I had to go the legal way. I went to the nurse and got my antidepressants and when they started to stop working I got him to increase my dose. Surprisingly easy. Everything that I had been worried about before just floated away and I was peaceful."

"Alex..."

"Piper, don't. I was being weak and I was running away from the problem instead of facing it. I'm sorry, okay?"

Piper nodded slowly and squeezed Alex's hand before getting up. "I need to go." She mumbled as she walked out of the cube.

"Shit." Alex mumbled, leaning back against the wall and rubbing her temples. Had she just fucked up even more?

Alex lay on the cold and hard surface of her bunk, wishing that tine would pass - it had been a week since she had told Piper what she had been doing and so consequently it had been a week since her last dose of the antidepressants. The pills weren't addictive but it didn't mean she wasn't suffering withdrawal as her body tried to adapt once again to the change. Her mind craved the numbness that i had grown used to and her body was shaking without the drug constantly in her system. She needed something to replace what she had lost, she knew what that something was going to be and exactly where to get it. She avoided Nicky and Piper the best she could till they had gone to work for fear they would work out what she was going to do and once they were gone, she headed straight for the end of the suburb dorm. She looked over the wall at the new junkie who had arrived there the other day, the girl was already so high that she didn't notice Alex enter the cube and search through the cupboard where the solution to her problem was sure to be found. Satisfied when she found the small, transparent, bag of blue pills - valium - she stuffed it into her top and returned to her own cube, barely noticing Nicky as she entered back into the dorm. The pills would not give her the emotional blank she wanted but they would give her plenty of sleep, and as Healy was still keeping her off work, she had plenty of time to kill. Once Nicky had left, ignoring the glance the bushy haired woman had given her, she took out the small bag and balanced one small pill on the pad of her finger. She stared at it for some time, an internal battle raging on inside of her. Wouldn't this just make things worse? Wouldn't it make her weaker, dependent on this substance now. So focused on her own thoughts, Alex didn't register the enraged cry of the junkie from the other end of the dorm and was even less aware when said junkie smashed Alex over the head.

Alex awoke, blurry eyed and with a splitting headache. She wasn't entirely sure what had happened, only that she had been about to take those stupid pills - the pills. Alex looked around hastily for any sign of the pills she assumed she'd dropped when she passed out and breathed a sigh of relief when they were gone. Her temptation had left her. She moved her hand up to rub the back of her head and frowned when her fingers touched a hard, crusty substance that glued the strands of hair together. She pressed down gently on the area and winced, great, just what she needed. Her stomach grumbled and so Alex left the mess on the back of her head to stand shakily and stagger down to the canteen where she was sure they would be serving lunch by now. The line was short and Alex realised that she was late. It didn't take her long to get her tray and she walked tenderly over to the table, flopping down onto the seat. Piper simply ignored her for the minute whilst Nicky gave her an inquisitive stare.

"Saw you in that junkie's cube earlier," Nicky mentioned after a moment. "You know her?"

Alex shook her head a little too quickly and felt the blood sloshing around in her head, she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment whilst she pushed the nauseating feeling away. "Nope, just seeing if she was okay." She eventually replied, opening her eyes again.

Nicky arched a brow unbelievingly at Alex and leaned forward suddenly to look at Alex. Alex, not quite recovered from the blow to her head, jumped and knocked into Piper who stared at her in return.

"You feeling a tad delicate today, Vause?" Nicky chided, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

Alex stared down at her food, trying not to give any more away and she fidgeted with her hand nervously before realising that she didn't normally fidget and planted her hands down flat on the table, cursing herself internally.

"Alex, why are you fidgeting, what's wrong? You're being weird." Piper chimed, joining Nicky in her suspicious glare.

"Jeez, what is this? The bad cop, bad cop routine?" Alex responded, a nervous laugh escaping her betraying lips. Alex looked down at her food again, the sight of it coupled with the pain in her head made her feel sick. Piper slammed her hand on the table, making Alex jump again.

"I'm so fucking sick of this! When are you going to stop being so stubborn and just tell us what's going on with you?!"

Alex could tell that the only reason Piper wasn't shouting was because she wanted to avoid getting a shot. Alex looked everywhere but at Piper as she desperately tried to think of a response that would allow her to just brush all of this off as if it was nothing. When her sluggish brain failed to comply she just stood abruptly.

"I feel sick." She muttered before taking her tray and dumping her untouched food.

She kept herself from all but running back to her cube. She felt the anxiety, stress, guilt and shame that had been previously so well repressed swirling around her like an angry tornado and she found herself clinging to the memory of the emotionless state she had been in only a week ago. She all but collapsed against her bunk and breathed out heavily, once again pushing away the nausea. She squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of approaching feet and tried to ignore the throbbing pain in her head. She kept her eyes shut when she heard the feet enter her cube and the hands that accompanied those feet searched through her area. When the noise eventually stilled Alex sighed.

"Satisfied with your search?" She snarked.

"This isn't fucking funny, Vause." Nicky snapped.

"Didn't say it was."

"Nicky thanks, I've got it from here." Piper mumbled.

Alex waited till she heard Nicky walked away before she opened her eyes to look at Piper who stood in front of her. "I didn't..."

"I know Alex."

"I mean, I thought about it but.. I don't think I was going to do it."

"You don't think?"

Alex shrugged, "Someone smarted me on the head and then took the pills so, yeah. I don't think."

Piper stared at Alex and then walked over towards Alex to look at the back of her head. "Oh my god, Alex! You need to go see the nurse!"

Alex laughed and shook her head. "No thanks. I'll survive."

Piper scowled but knew that arguing with Alex was useless as she just sat down next to her and cuddled up to her. "Can we go back to normal now?" She murmured.

Alex smiled and kissed the side of Piper's head, taking her hand into her own and soothing her hand with her thumb. "Sure," She chuckled. "Whatever normal is, anyway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I thought some Vauseman moments were long overdue so I have plenty more planned! Not much to say today besides the usual so; as always, please review and thanks for reading!


	17. Consumed

_I hear the people talk._   
_I just try to block them out._   
_While their lips are moving,_   
_Mine are locked with your mouth._

* * *

Piper stood up not 5 minutes after their brief conversation. Alex arched a brow but Piper didn't offer any explanation and only told her to "wait right there" before she walked out of the cube and left Alex alone once again. Alex sighed and drummed her fingers on the frame of her bed, unsure what to do whilst she waited for Piper to return. She brought one hand up to inspect the back of her head once again and attempted to untangle parts of her hair, Alex knew she should go to see the nurse but she didn't want to go through the effort of thinking up a suitable excuse. She knew that after her episode with the pills that somehow 'I fell over' just wouldn't cut it this time and she really didn't need to get locked up in psyche. She gave up after a few failed attempts and closed her eyes as she recited over various poems she and Piper had learned by heart during their week together in Argentina.

_And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,_   
_So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,_   
_The smiles that win, the tints that glow,_   
_But tell of days in goodness spent,_   
_A mind at peace with all below,_   
_A heart whose love is innocent_

Alex remembered it almost perfectly and a small smile formed on her lips. She had recited that one to Piper before they'd made love on the balcony of their rented home. The feel of the sun on their skin whilst they showed each other just how much they loved each other had felt like heaven, like nothing meant more to either of them than that moment right then. Things had only gone from bad to worse after that. Alex's smile was replaced with a frown as she remembered all of the arguments they'd had about everything and nothing, it was so stupid - Alex could see that now. They had wasted so much time together, all that time spent ignoring or yelling each other that could have been spent in the others arms.

"You spoke my name, I answered in whispers soft, We listened in awe." A gentle voice recited in Alex's ear. The voice brought another hazy smile to her lips and she almost instinctively turned her head to kiss the lips that had recited those beautiful words. As they kissed, there was no sense of urgency and no battle for dominance. For the first time in a long time they worked together and allowed the other to almost melt into the other so that they formed one. Alex opened one eye when they both broke apart to breathe and chuckled quietly, Piper held up a wad of wet tissue and moved it to the back of Alex's head. Alex relaxed her shoulders as she felt Piper begin to work away at the back of her head.

"Good, just relax. If you move even an inch I will trip you and get Nicky to hold you down." Piper threatened into Alex's ear.

Alex felt her body shake with the laugh she was trying to keep in, "Ooh. Feisty Piper, how I have missed her."

Piper laughed and held on tighter to Alex. "I'm being serious, asshole." She paused to kiss Alex's neck. "The nurse will be here in a minute."

Alex sighed and pulled away from Piper, frowning. "I told you I didn't want to go and see the nurse."

"So the nurse is coming to see you, I haven't ignored your request." Piper smirked, proudly.

Alex opened her mouth but quickly snapped it shut at the sight of the burly nurse that was striding down towards her cube. He nodded at her, and she assumed that the grim line his mouth formed was some attempt at a smile. He didn't talk apart from to ask where she had hit her head, Alex was surprised. He had no questions? She sat patiently whilst he inspected the back of her head and finished Piper's job of cleaning it up, when he was done he told her it was fine but she should get plenty of rest just in case she had a concussion. Of course the ass wouldn't give her any painkillers. Eventually he left the cube, giving Piper an odd look. Alex shook her head and decided it would probably be in her best interest to not try to find out what that was all about. She pulled Piper towards her and kissed her again lazily.

"Hi my name's Alex, really nice to meet you." She said, her voice low. "I would really like to take you out to this nice place called 'nearest utility closet'"

Piper grinned and played along, "Nice to meet you Alex, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Of course I would love to go there with you but I must insist you state your intentions first, I'm not in the habit of kissing on the first date."

Alex chuckled throatily, "My intentions are to fuck you stupid but.. then again, with all that blonde hair maybe all I'll have to do is fuck you."

Piper smacked Alex on the arm and feigned offence. "How dare you, your arrogance just caused you a hot date."

Alex arched a brow and moved to kiss Piper again, "We'll see about that."

Piper pushed Alex away after a moment, her face flushed beetroot red. "Alex," She giggled. "We can't. You have to rest!"

Alex sighed but let out a smirk, holding up her hands in defence. "Fine, but I'm not going to be able to rest forever."

Piper pulled Alex's arm over her shoulders and snuggled down into her waist, it still surprised Alex at how well Piper fit into her. As if Piper was just part of her puzzle, the missing corner. She traced small patterns on the blonde's back with her thumb absentmindedly as she mulled over the last couple of weeks. She had wasted more time in her own selfish attempt to ignore it all, she couldn't do that again. Piper looked up at Alex after a moment and smiled.

"Write me another letter soon, won't you Alex?" The blonde asked.

As Alex looked down at her girlfriend she knew that she would never be able to say no to her. No matter what she asked of her, she would do it because seeing that smile on her face and that look in her eyes meant everything to her and she would do anything and everything to be able to see it everyday for the rest of her life. "Sure, kid." She replied after a moment.

* * *

_Piper. It's been a while. I know I promised to write you this around a month ago but the words wouldn't come to me, truth be told - I felt so happy for a while that I didn't need to write anything. I guess this means something's wrong now, right? Ah shit, I don't know. Oh I forgot - 5 months and 2 weeks till the world around me loses much of its appeal._

_I haven't felt like this in a while, as you probably know. I imagine it's much the same for you and I apologise for that. I put you through so much last month and it was all so selfish of me to put all of that on you. I promise that from now on I will do my best to be honest with you - no matter what it's about or where we are if you ask, I will tell you. I just have one thing to ask of you in return. Whilst I accept that you have said sorry for what you did and my reaction to it was in no way your fault, I would ask that you never go through my stuff like that again. I trusted you enough that you wouldn't go through that box after I told you what was in there and you kinda betrayed that. There were things in those letters that you read that I wasn't ready to reveal to you yet and it was hard for me to accept that you suddenly knew everything without me knowing. But that's it now. We're moving on from that. We've both said our piece and apologised and so we don't need to talk about it anymore. Perspective._

_I can't fucking wait until we get out of here Piper, imagine it. Me and you back out in the real world, being free and just doing whatever we wanted. We won't have to check over our shoulders every time we so much as want to touch each other. Imagine that freedom. Our freedom._

_I called your mom today, the first thing she did was tell me off for not calling her. Like, what the fuck. I told her I wasn't her kid and she didn't get to scold me like that but then she just told me off again. I don't see how you can put up with her, seriously. Anyway, she told me that they were making slow progress but things are looking up for me. I don't want to go into details yet in case I jinx it but hopefully I'll be able to get out of here soon, maybe you won't have to wait till you're old and crusty with cobwebs in your vag before you see me again. Yay?_

_Thanks for the radio by the way, Watson gave it to me this morning when I was walking past the track. I listened to it while I was working out, not the typical kind of music that I would listen to but it's better than nothing and the continuous replays of 'Milkshake'. Dear god, I hate that song now. Listen, whatever happens we are going to be okay. I'm not going to be strong for just you anymore, I'll be strong for both of us and no; that doesn't mean cutting off my own emotions. I have no doubts that you'll actually kick my ass the next time I do something like that._

_I love you kid, really and truly._

_Alex._

* * *

Alex paced up and down the hall besides the phones. It wasn't time for phone calls yet but she only had to wait five more minutes. The waiting was ridiculous, how could they expect her to wait another whole five minutes to call her lawyer without spontaneously combusting? Even Piper's soothing words of, "You'll be alright" and "Even if it isn't good, we'll still be okay." Hadn't worked at calming her down even a tad. She huffed and started to pace faster, her eyes watching the hands of the clock like a hawk watches it's prey. 5 seconds, 4, 3, 2, 1. Alex raced over towards the phone, picked it up and dialled the number she had learned off by heart. It rung two times before she heard the coarse, "Hello?"

"Kieran, Hi. It's Alex. What's the news?" Alex asked, almost tripping over her own words in her excitement to get them out. She needed to know.

Kieran, her lawyer, chuckled on the other end of the phone. "Jesus, it's 7am."

Alex huffed, her impatience showing even through the phone.

"Alright, alright. I spoke to the judge yesterday, he said he would be willing to review your case as your crime was non-violent but he's going to expect some more names and I know you know them Alex."

Alex nodded slowly, she began to conjure up names of the various mules she had left out before when Kieran interrupted her thought process.

"No more mules though, he wants the big guns."

"No." Alex replied, straight away. "That would put me and everyone who knows me in danger."

"Alex, this isn't going to work if all you give the courts are some pathetic mules who make next to no impact."

Alex sighed, knowing her lawyer was right. "Dammit! Alright. I'll try and think of a few who are higher up, maybe some importers. Jesus, I better be granted some protection."

"I'll do what I can. The court date will be arranged and I'll come and see you when I get some details."

"Alright, thanks Kieran." Alex hung up and checked behind her to see if anyone was waiting for the phone. When she saw no one was, she dialled the number for Piper's mom.

"Carol? Hey. It's Alex."

"Alex! Nice to hear from you, you must tell my daughter that she needs to call me more often."

Alex chuckled, "I will. Listen, I called my lawyer today..."

"And?"

"And he said that I'll need to give more names. But big names. This could be dangerous for me and Piper."

Carol was silent and Alex chewed on the inside of her lip whilst she waited for the woman to say something, anything.

"Okay. That's fine. I'll work with Kieran to make sure that you both remain protected. Just, stay out of trouble okay? Both of you."

"We will, Carol. Thanks." Alex hung up and sighed, part relief and part new stress. It was good to know that she was getting what she wanted, but when it came at such a cost she wasn't totally sure if it was worth it. So what if she got a couple years off of her sentence if it meant that Piper was hurt because of it. She would never be able to forgive herself if it happened. As she walked towards the laundry room, having finally been put back to work, she racked her brains to think of anyone she could give up that was big enough to knock a few years off of her sentence without putting Piper and herself in danger. Not an easy feat. She could never give up anyone like Fahri or anyone who had been on a similar level to her, that would be too risky but maybe some of the higher level mules who were always too eager to spend their money on fast cars and swanky mansions. The feds wouldn't know the difference between them and Alex besides the fact that the mules would have a mortgage. She smiled, yes. Maybe this would all work out after all. Maybe, just maybe, she would get what she wanted this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, short post today but I wanted to get the base of this storyline out while beginning to wrap up parts of the other. I'm not too sure where or what direction this story will take after June 6th but I will do my best to keep it true to the current direction I've been taking it in and not just abandon it. I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed the last few chapters, they have helped me a lot! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always, please leave a review and thanks for reading! Now I have six hours of math to prepare for!


	18. Waiting Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of this is copy-pasted from the other site so I apologise for any formatting mistakes, I normally would go over them but with 22 chapters to get through, I sometimes miss a few.

_What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start_   
_What if it only gets colder_   
_Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart_   
_Cuz lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are_

* * *

Alex looked up at the clock again, only five minutes left of her shift. She fidgeted impatiently, having already filler her quota for the day and waited as the minutes painfully ticked by. With only three minutes left to go she decided that she'd done enough waiting and rushed out of the damp room and towards the suburb dorm, she needed to get these names written down. As she was walking towards her dorm she passed Healy's office, hearing a crying woman inside Alex felt a pang of sympathy for whoever was stuck inside. Healy was an ass. She hadn't walked past the door much when she heard the shout of 'Chapman!' come from inside and she hesitated. Piper never cried in front of Healy, at least, not anymore. Eventually she halted and turned, shooting daggers at the door whilst she waited for Piper to leave the room. She saw a figure, that she assumed was Piper's standing behind the foggy glass and she watched it intently, when she saw the door handle begin to turn she began to slowly walk, as if she had not been waiting there. When Piper didn't come out of the room she frowned and retraced her steps once again. What was she doing in there? Or, more importantly, what was  _he_  doing? She found herself waiting, once again. Her only distraction from the now quiet sobs of her girlfriend was the reciting of the list of names she had come up with over the last few hours. Soon enough, it was dinner time and Piper had still not left the room. Alex began to worry now, Healy's earlier words of 'punishing Piper' came back into mind and she growled quietly, thumping the wall she was leaning on with her fist.

"Woah Vause, why so tense?" Nicky's voice sounded through the mass of people now making their way towards the canteen.

Alex was too stressed to reply and gave a stiff nod towards the door she was glaring at.

"Healy? What's he done now?"

"Piper." Alex growled out.

Nicky laughed, "Healy did Piper?"

Alex shot her daggers at Nicky who quickly lost her smug look.

"Okay. Not in the mood for jokes, I see. Vause if he comes out of there and sees you like this I have no doubts he'll find a reason to send you to SHU. Come on, there's nothing you can do out here." Nicky dragged Alex towards the canteen.

Alex was too agitated to eat and made sure to sit where she would be able to see Piper as soon as she stepped into the canteen. She only needed to see her to make sure she was alright, that was all she needed. Alex was faintly aware of the mumbling coming from the other end of the table but ignored it until she heard various calls of her name, she was met with sympathetic looks and smiles and she managed to muster up a small smile in return, but only for a moment before her eyes snapped back to the doors. Her mind raced through the things that could have happened to make Piper cry in front of Healy. Maybe he told Larry about them again? Maybe he told her parents? Maybe he told Caputo about the Pennsatucky incident and maybe he was getting more time added to her sentence after all. She sighed and glanced up at the large clock on the wall. There was five minutes left of dinner and Piper was still nowhere to be seen. Alex's foot started to jolt up and down nervously and she fiddled with her glasses, thinking that she shouldn't have let Nicky drag her away from the office after all. Alex all but raced out of the canteen once the guards started to let people out and only stopped when Mendez shouted at her to halt.

"Where's the fire, inmate?" He asked, sadistically. "Assume the position."

Alex didn't fight, knowing that it would be over much sooner if she just complied and allowed the revolting man to rub his hands all over her as he conducted his 'search'. Seemingly satisfied, he smiled and motioned that she was free to go. Alex walked only slightly slower this time as she made her way back to Healy's office. When she got there she inched around the corner, seeing that the door was open but no one was inside. She swallowed hard, nervous again. She hoped to god that Piper hadn't been put in the SHU again. She searched the prison thoroughly, looking in all of the obvious places she might find Piper before checking places like the kitchen and the laundry room. Piper wasn't anywhere. It was as if she had simply vanished into thin air. Alex, by this point, was almost having a full blown out panic attack. What if PIper had been transferred? How would they contact each other? How was Alex going to survive? She slumped over towards her bunk and fell into it, face first. Holding back sobs as she pressed her face into her pillow, as if she was trying to suffocate herself.  _Fucking Piper and fucking Healy_. Why'd they have to go and mess everything up.

"Hey Vause, you okay?" Nicky asked gently, rubbing Alex's back.

Alex was unable to reply, trying even harder now to hold back the panic she felt inside.

"I saw Chapman by the way. I think she was heading to the track - she didn't seem to hear me when I called her though."

Alex sat up, almost knocking Nicky off of the bed and mumbling out a thanks to her friend, she raced outside. Piper was okay, she was okay. Alex saw the flash of blonde hair, racing around the track and she smiled, feeling that instant high of relief. She revelled in it as it washed over her and allowed herself to feel stupid for being so worried before. Of course they wouldn't transfer Piper that quickly without even telling her first. She was being irrational. Alex called out Piper's name but the blonde didn't falter in her running and Alex frowned, thinking that maybe she had been too quiet and called a little louder, earning a warning look from the guard. When Piper still didn't react she walked into the track and called again, waiting for Piper to get close to her. She must have at least seen her, Alex thought. "God dammit.." She muttered, picking up pace with Piper. If Piper wasn't going to stop then Alex would just have to run with her.

For a while Alex tried to make conversation with Piper as they ran but Piper didn't seem to even acknowledge her presence there, this annoyed Alex some but she tried to let it go. Maybe Piper just really wanted to run. Talking got increasingly hard as they continued to run and keeping up with Piper's pace was starting to take its toll on Alex who never ran at all. Eventually, she had to stop for fear that she might pass out and she bent over the grass, wheezing and trying to get her breath back. Alex had no idea that her lungs could actually  _hurt_. After a moment, she had gained enough breath to stand again and she turned to look at Piper who still hadn't stopped running. Alex's stomach churned, this wasn't good. Piper had never ignored her like this before, not ever.

"Piper." She shouted again, ignoring the guard this time. Piper still didn't respond and so Alex walked onto the track, directly in Piper's path who then ran straight into her, knocking them both to the ground heavily. Alex was winded and pushed Piper off of her, struggling even more to get her breath back this time. "Holy...fucking...shit..." She panted.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Piper shouted, standing up.

Alex stared at Piper, never before had she seen the blonde so enraged and she wondered briefly if this is what she had looked like when she was beating the life out of Pennsatucky. Alex shook the thought out of her head and struggled to stand up, noting a flare of pain in her knee. "Piper, calm down." She said, carefully. She noticed that Piper wasn't even panting and was suddenly convinced that she was actually some kind of robot.

"Why'd you run into me like that?! What the fuck Alex! I can't believe you!" Piper fumed, her face somehow growing even redder.

"Piper, calm down." Alex repeated, holding up her hands in defence. "You weren't listening to me."

Piper actually looked confused then. "What?" She asked, frowning. "You weren't even here a minute ago..."

Alex sighed and ran her hands through her now sweaty hair. "Piper I've been here for ages. What's going on with you?"

Piper shrugged it off, her anger gone as suddenly as it had come. It was unsettling. "Nothing. I'm fine. Let's go get dinner."

"Dinner finished over an hour ago."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

Piper looked at Alex briefly and a strange look happened across her face but she seemed to switch it off and then looked back at the track. "I'm going to run some more..."

"No." Alex deadpanned, stepping towards Piper again. "You can't run anymore today Piper, this isn't healthy."

"Fuck off Alex. I don't think a drug dealer is the best example of ' _healthy_ ', do you?"

Alex stopped dead in her tracks, she couldn't believe Piper had said that to her. "Are you fucking kidding me?" She laughed sarcastically. "Where did  _that_  fucking come from?"

"Leave me alone, Alex."

Alex shook her head, making to grab Piper's arm to force the blonde to look at her and felt the hurt sting her when Piper moved away from her.

"Please just go Alex." Piper's voice was gentle now, pleading even.

"Fine. Suit your fucking self." Alex snapped, turning to go back inside; if Piper wanted to be alone then her wish was granted.

Alex's mood was foul and it seemed no one, not even Nicky, dared to talk to her once she had showered. She was angry at Piper, she had been so rude and for no reason at all? What could Alex have possibly done to make her react to her like that? Not only ignoring her but then telling her to fuck off and leave her alone when all Alex had done was worried about her? She scoffed and shook her head, looking down at her knee and the nice bruise that was forming from her fall earlier. She was too mad to go to sleep and so she stared holes into the wall opposite her. Eventually, Leanne entered and looked hesitantly at her. The meth head hadn't bothered her since Alex had shut Pennsatucky up but it looked like she was going to spout some filth from her mind tonight. Alex sighed and prepared herself.

"She deserved it." Leanne mumbled in Alex's direction.

Alex frowned but avoided looking at the blonde. "Who did?"

"Your precious little girlfriend."

Alex was immediately concerned again, her anger for Piper all but forgotten. She stood up and cornered Leanne. "What the fuck have you done to her now?" She growled, narrowing her eyes at the woman who was now cowering in front of her.

"Nothing!" She exclaimed, "We've done nothing... I'm surprised she hasn't told you about it, really." Leanne smirked, seemingly regaining some of her confidence.

"You lay even a hand on her..." Alex began.

"Yeah I know. You'll cut us up into little pieces and get Red to feed us to the entire prison. Whatever." Leanne finished, waving her hand dismissively before turning to crawl into her bunk.

Alex huffed and went back over to her own bunk, annoyed once again. Why were blonde people so much fucking work? Piper hadn't told her something, so what? It wasn't like that knowledge was anything new, Piper hadn't been telling her stuff for years. Her mind was very mazelike and Alex was sure that half the time even Piper couldn't navigate it. She stared at the entrance to the dorm now, feeling the sense of deja-vu from dinner as she waited for Piper to enter. She had to wait for ten minutes before Piper walked through, looking haggard and extremely sweaty. Piper looked at Alex for a moment, the same strange look she had seen earlier reappeared on her face before she disappeared into her bunk. Alex frowned harder when Nicky entered the same bunk not even a second later.  _Fuck them_ , Alex thought, turning to lie on her bunk. Fuck. Them.

When Alex woke up the next morning, she didn't even glance into Piper's bunk and walked straight to the canteen. She had decided the night before that she wouldn't talk to Piper before she came and apologised to her for yesterday, Alex wasn't going to go running to her again. If Piper had shit to deal with then Alex would let her deal with it, with or without her help. She got her tray and grudgingly ate her fruit portion. She didn't like oranges anymore. She downed her cup of water and went to get it refilled, downing the second cup almost as quickly as the first. She was dehydrated after her run yesterday. Her legs ached and her knee stung but other than that, she was okay. Running was so not her thing though. Boxing, however. That would be a sport she could take up, especially if she got to stare at fit, sweaty women in crop tops the whole time she was there. She smirked at the thought and dumped her tray to begin walking to the bathrooms. She needed to pee after all the water and she thought that it was pointless in drinking it all if it was just going to go straight out again. Most people would be heading towards breakfast now so she knew the bathrooms would be empty. She walked in, still cursing the water but halted when she heard voices. She arched a brow, not wanting to disturb the two in case she had stepped into something that would actually be interesting. When she heard Nicky's voice however she sighed, sure that the woman was probably just making dirty talk with Morello. She walked towards the toilets but halted once again when she heard crying, she listened closer now.

"Please don't tell her, Nicky." The voice cried, still to quiet for Alex to make out who it belonged to.

"You can't keep it a secret forever, you know she went mental yesterday."

"I know. I was so out of it too, I just couldn't cope with talking to her after all that had happened." The voice rose slightly and Alex's brows almost flew off of her face as she realised it belonged to Piper.

"Maybe it would be better if you just told her," Nicky seemed to try and reason with her.

"No! Nicky please, promise me you won't tell Alex-"

"Tell me what?" Alex rounded the corner and looked between the two women, her anger quickly resurfacing.

Piper frantically looked at Nicky, as if begging her not to say anything and Nicky grimaced at Piper and then at Alex. "Jesus, what happened to me just sitting back and watching the dyke drama unfold." She moaned, crossing her arms over her chest and huffing.

"Tell. Me. What." Alex repeated impatiently.

"Alex, I.. It's nothing. You just heard it out of context." Piper said, dismissively.

"Oh right," Alex nodded, pretending to think about it. "So, hearing you say not to tell me and then hearing Nicky say that I went mental really sounds like I heard something out of context here. Sure."

Piper looked down at her feet and Nicky avoided Alex's glare like the black plague.

"Alex, look, it's nothing okay. We were just planning something for your birthday.." Piper replied.

"Do you really think I'm fucking stupid Piper? Good fucking god. I honestly thought we were past all of this, after that big talk you had with me about telling you how I felt. You're such a fucking hypocrite."

"It's not that simple!" Piper shouted, looking near to tears again.

"Then tell me!" Alex replied, calmly.

"Alex, maybe you should just leave it. Blondie here isn't in good shape..." Nicky said, trying to reason with Alex now.

"Fuck off, Nichols. Why do  _you_  know more about my girlfriend than me, huh? It's fucking bullshit." Alex snapped, turning and walking out of the bathroom. It was only after she left that she realised she still needed to pee and she growled in frustration. Repeating her mantra of 'fuck them' in her head multiple times as she made her way toward the ghetto bathrooms. When she had finished peeing Alex stalked back out of the bathrooms and towards the rec room, still furious. She almost knocked into Lorna as she rounded a corner and her arms shot out to hold the small woman upright.

"Shit, sorry Lorna. I wasn't paying attention." Alex muttered, letting go of her once she was steady again.

"No problem, Vause." The small woman replied brightly, "Hey, you okay?"

Alex shrugged, letting out a sigh she hadn't realised she'd been holding in. It was as if she deflated with the sigh as she slouched down and dropped her head to look at the ground. "Not really."

"What's up, hun?"

"I don't know." Alex admitted, smiling sadly at Lorna. "Piper won't tell me anything."

A look of recognition flashed across Lorna's face at the mention of Piper's name and she tried to wipe it away before Alex could see it but she wasn't quite fast enough.

"Are you serious right now? You know too?  _What the fuck_! Why does everyone know apart from me? The one person who you would think she would tell first! JESUS!" Alex shouted, pushing her way past a stuttering Lorna.

"INMATE!" Mendez shouted behind her but Alex ignored him and continued to make her way to the rec room.

She sat down heftily on the nearest chair and buried her face into her hands. This was all so fucked up, why couldn't they both just be happy for a change without all of this mess hanging over them. If it wasn't Alex fucking things up then it was Piper and somehow when Piper fucked up, she really fucked up. Alex's stomach twisted painfully as she thought of the possibility of Piper going back to Larry and trying to think of a way to tell Alex. Nicky wouldn't cover her for that though, surely? Alex didn't know anymore. It seemed like everyone was hiding stuff from her and she lifted her head to look around the room, spotting Big Boo and Sister Ingalls. The two women seemed to sense her look and they both smiled at her, a smile that Alex did not return. They probably know too, she thought bitterly, sinking down into her chair and wishing that the grey walls around her would just swallow her whole.

* * *

_You put your arms around me_   
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_   
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

* * *

Piper didn't talk to Alex for three whole days and Alex made no attempt to talk to the blonde either, despite the fact it was near killing her. She had patched things up with Nicky despite the woman's resilience in not telling her what Piper had told her that day; saying that 'it wasn't her place to say'. This only seemed to increase Alex's fear that it was actually something Larry related.

"Listen Vause, I can tell you right now that Chapman loves you so much it physically sickens me to even be around her when you two are in the same room. I can practically feel the love she emits towards you and it's just so..eugh." Nicky pretended to shudder in an attempt to lighten Alex's mood one night after Alex had told her about her fears of losing Piper again.

Alex smiled, even chuckling a little but shook her head. "That hasn't stopped her from leaving before." She countered.

"Jesus Christ. Okay, listen. It's not to do with anything like that okay? That's all your getting from me so don't even bother asking." Nicky replied, exasperated. She returned her attention to the scrabble letters in front of her to make it clear that she really wasn't going to say anymore on the matter.

Alex allowed herself to smile properly now, at least it wasn't that. She frowned then, her smile gone again. Why wasn't Piper talking to her then? What could possibly be so bad that she would ignore her? She got up without saying anything to Nicky and went in search of her stupid girlfriend. It didn't take her long to find Piper, she was sitting on her bed, nose buried inside a book.

"Piper." Alex said simply, waiting for her to look up.

"Oh, hey." Piper smiled, shifting on the bed to make room for Alex.

Alex made a face but sat down anyway. "I take it this means you're done ignoring me then?"

Piper looked over the top of her book disapprovingly, "I wasn't ignoring you Alex."

"Oh? So, you not talking to me for the whole week was what then? I mean, I must have missed all these telepathic conversations we must have been having." Alex retorted sourly.

"Alex please don't start. I'm sorry for not talking to you, I've just been busy."

Alex laughed loudly. "Piper we're in fucking prison. How busy can you get that you don't have time to even say good fucking morning?"

"Alex." Piper responded, glaring at Alex now. She snapped her book shut and curled her legs towards her. "Stop it."

Alex sighed and rubbed her forehead but stayed quiet, showing that she would comply.

Piper smiled after a moment and moved towards Alex, "I missed you."

Alex rubbed Piper's arm and nodded, "I know." Alex moved to wrap an arm around Piper's waist but frowned when the blonde shifted out of her reach. Alex's hand was suspended in midair for a moment before she let it flop down - a thought suddenly occurred to her. She waited until Piper moved back towards her before she gripped onto Piper's arm to stop her from moving again and covered the movement with a kiss, she let it carry on, her mind working at a million miles an hour and she waited till she felt the familiar feeling of Piper melting into her arms before she slipped a hand under her beige shirt. She opened her eyes as she lifted the shirt as slowly as possible, doing her best not to alert Piper. She looked down at Piper's torso and felt her stomach flip flop at the sight. Purple and blue bruises racked her ribs and lower abdomen. She pulled sharply away, a nauseating feeling slowly gnawing at her. Piper finally seemed to recognise what Alex had done and yanked the bottom of her shirt back down, pain and hurt evident in her face.

"You had no right Alex!" She exclaimed, curling back up onto her bed.

Alex couldn't bear to look at Piper, she wasn't sure if she was more angry or upset. She turned away from the blonde and leaned over the wall, the nauseous feeling was still there and the sight of Piper's stomach wouldn't leave her mind. "It was him, wasn't it?" Alex finally managed to mumble.

Piper's silence told her everything she needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me! Saw that someone mentioned Healy in the reviews and that reminded me that I hadn't actually addressed that problem yet. Ask and you shall receive my wonderful readers! As always, please leave a review and thanks for reading.


	19. I Will Hold You For A Lifetime

_We read a lot,_   
_Letters are the only things that we have got._   
_Funny how the words are how we form a thought of us._

* * *

Alex sank slowly onto the floor, her hands clutching desperately at her hair as she tried frantically to order all of the thoughts that rushed through her head simultaneously at Piper's silent confirmation of her fears.

"Alex?" Piper chimed gently.

Alex ignored Piper and continued to tug at her hair, breathing slowly. When she felt Piper's hand on her arm she stood abruptly and shook it off, walking the short distance to her own cube where her disastrous bunkie was sitting on her bed. Alex stormed in and shoved Leanne against the wall, grateful that the COs were too preoccupied in the bubble to notice, she was satisfied at the ' _oomph_ ' noise that blew out of Leanne as a result of the hard shove.

"You tell me right now what he did to her or so help me god I will tear you limb from limb right  _here_." She growled at the blonde, her words rushed but not losing their menacing charm.

Leanne stared up at her, shocked. Alex could see that she had already broken the meth head's defences. What a shame, she had barely even started.

"I...I don't know!" Leanne spluttered. "Alls he did was ask me and 'Tucky to tell him what I saw you two do whens you were together and that he would handle it from there!"

Alex laughed darkly, her eyes cold and yet still filled with an angry fire. She leaned down so she was eye level with the cowering blonde in front of her. "Uh huh, see that's funny 'cause I seem to remember you telling me that she deserved what she got.." Alex paused to slam Leanne against the wall again, "Therefore implying you know what happened." She finished.

"Alright fine!" She whimpered, trying to slide away from Alex's reach. "He told me he taught her a lesson and that she would know better than to be all lesbian with you again and that she'll probably be sore for a while."

Alex grabbed Leanne by the collar of her shirt and gripped it tightly, pulling her up towards her; finding new strength in the increasing rage that Leanne's admission had implied been done to Piper. "You say anything to Healy again regarding  _anything_  that isn't to do with how much you resemble a living piece of shit and you're fucking dead, you hear me?"

Leanne nodded quickly and Alex dropped her shirt, allowing the girl to slump back down into her bed. Her hands curled into fists and she stalked out of her cube and towards Nicky who'd been watching. "Nicky." She said firmly.

Nicky looked at Alex expectantly but also somewhat reluctant. "What?" She asked.

"Tell me everything she told you right now."

Nicky frowned and pulled Alex down onto her bunk. "I'm not sure that's a good idea..."

Alex sighed impatiently and flexed her hands, "Nichols, she's kept what he's done to her from me for this long and look where it's got her. Besides, if I don't find out everything right now I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself from storming into Healy's office right now and beating him to a fucking  _pulp_."

Nicky nodded then, understanding showing on her face. Alex imagined she realised she would feel the same had it been Lorna in Piper's position. "She wouldn't tell me much," She began after a moment. "Only that she was trying to figure who was ratting her out about whenever you two were together and were doing more than.. well, small talk." Nicky paused and looked around briefly, "I tried to get her to tell me about it but she just broke down into tears; wouldn't even let me touch her on the fuckin' arm." Nicky shrugged, sighing and then suddenly moved to the bunk opposite. Alex frowned and was about to ask why she had moved when Piper replaced Nicky on the bed next to her. Piper looked at Alex blankly.

"Don't do that." Alex snapped, looking away from her.

"Do what?" Piper asked, her voice as even and bland as her emotionless face.

"Look at me like that. Like you've already shut me out and you're ready to just up and leave." Alex grimaced, memories flooding back to her. "You pulled the same face that day in Paris so just fucking quit it, okay?" Alex saw Piper tense out of the corner of her eye at her words.

"Sorry." She mumbled, Alex knew she wasn't apologising for what she had just done.

"Whatever." Alex sighed and looked at Piper, her anger suddenly void as she saw the pained expression on her face and she drew Piper close towards her, rubbing her arm slowly. "Pipes, tell me what happened.. please."

She felt Piper shake her head against her. "Alex I can't. If I tell you... he'll hurt you.. an-" Piper began to cry, quickly escalating into hysterics and Alex looked at Nicky wide-eyed and helpless. Nicky just shrugged and then left.

"Piper. Stop it." Alex pulled Piper's head up and forced her to look at her. "I'll fix this, I know who was ratting you out to that pig and they won't be doing it anymore, okay?" Piper nodded slowly, doing her best to contain her cries. "Now I need you to tell me what he did to you because if you don't then I am going to bash down that motherfucker's door and demand answers from him instead." Alex was completely serious and she was sure her face showed it because Piper nodded again and seemed to compose herself a little.

"He dragged me into his office not long after we fixed things and told me to sit down. He stayed silent but he got up and shut his office door and then locked it and.. Oh Alex, I knew right then he was about to do something..." Piper began to cry slowly again, tears rolling silently down her face as she relived the memory in her mind, recanting it for Alex in quiet words that seemed louder than anything Alex had ever heard before.

* * *

Alex was furious. Really and truly furious and it had been all Nicky and Red could do to hold her down on her bunk as Piper was called into Healy's office once again. They didn't leave her once for the whole time Piper was in there. It had seemed like an eternity. Nicky was holding Alex's arms behind her back with all of her strength whilst Alex struggled against her, spouting profanities of every kind in every language she knew at Nicky, at Piper, at herself but most of all at Healy. Red vanished for a few minutes, leaving Nicky to struggle alone against Alex, but returned shortly with Lorna, Big Boo and Yoga Jones. They all entered the cube and either helped to restrain Alex or attempted to comfort her with words and when that didn't work, they tried sympathetic and worried looks. All Alex could think about was Piper and Healy. Alone in that office together, anything could happen to her. Alex knew she was going to kill Leanne and Pennsatucky, it didn't matter which one of them had ratted her out, they were both going to pay for all of the hurt they had cause Piper. Sooner or later, Alex's struggles began to wear her down and she ran out of energy. She felt Nicky's hands relax on her but noticed that she didn't let go; as if Alex would just up and run at any minute. She slouched down and let her head dip, a curtain forming from her own dark hair. Her anger had webbed away and branched into worry, fear and sadness. Why wasn't Piper back yet? Alex hand't noticed before but Lorna had left a while ago and she came running round the corner of Alex's cube, panting and out of breath. She looked shaken and she slumped down next to Red who looked at her concerned. Alex sat up a little, bracing herself for the worst.

"Piper's coming back now." Lorna panted, clearly trying to do her best to regain control of her breathing.

Everyone nodded but a different kind of silence fell upon the group now, one that was filled with anxious breaths and anticipation; for both good and the bad. Especially the bad. Piper rounded the corner into the dorms and they all watched her expectantly, waiting for her to head back over here. Some frowned when Piper walked straight past the cube, without even so much as a glance in their direction. Alex's heart sank down to her feet and she nodded to herself, as if confirming her worst fears. Everything Piper had told her about Healy's threats and his warnings that he would 'show her what a real man felt like' had seemed to come true. A plan was already forming in her head that would allow her to get away from everyone in her cube. One that would give her enough time to show Healy just how much she hated his fucked up, arrogant, bigoted,  _fat_   _ass_. She snatched her arms out of Nicky's frozen hands and lay down on her bed, turning to face the wall. She squeezed her eyes shut and waited, and waited, as one by one everyone slowly got up and left her alone. She was sure everyone had gone when she opened her eyes and sat up again ten minutes later so she was shocked to see Nicky and Red staring at her from the opposite side of her cube.

"Vause, don't do anything stupid." Nicky warned, getting ready to stand up as she saw the look of determination on Alex's face.

"Just try and fucking stop me." Alex spat, rushing up and nearly running towards the laundry room where she knew she would find the exact two people she was looking for. She heard them before she saw them and followed their voices towards the back of the room, ignoring the sound of feet coming after her.

"Well well well!" She exclaimed, making the two meth heads jump. "Leanne. I truly am very disappointed in you." Alex said, in the way a scolding parent would to a child. "I honestly thought, after our little chat earlier, that we had an understanding about what you were and were not meant to do."

Leanne looked at Alex and dropped the shirt she was holding, lifting her hands up defensively. "It wasn't me! I swear it!"

Alex shook her head at Leanne and stepped closer, slowly. "Doesn't matter, it was implied for the both of you. So, one of you fucks up and you both get it."

Pennsatucky slammed down the sheet she was folding onto the table. "Listen here, you stoopid lesbian." She started towards Alex, "I don't know why you think you can come in here and start threatenin' her like that but if you don't stop, I'll get real serious with you."

Alex laughed and stepped towards Pennsatucky so that she was in arms length. "You really wanna try that after what happened last time?" Alex asked simply, tilting her head.

Pennsatucky looked determined. "Bring it on, bitch."

Alex moved to grab Pennsatucky just ask a body flung into her from behind, knocking her onto the floor. She scrambled up and turned furiously to see Nicky also getting up and Red standing by the door. "Fuck off Nichols. This doesn't have anything to do with you."

Nicky laughed, "Well, seeing as I'm the one who always ends up in the middle as if I'm in some kind of Vause-Chapman fucking sandwich, I think it has just a little something to do with me."

Alex turned, ignoring Nicky and moved towards Leanne quickly, not knowing where Pennsatucky had vanished off too. She grabbed Leanne and threw her against the wall, fighting off the hands that were trying to pry her off of the meth head from behind. She was so fucking angry and if she couldn't take it out on Healy then she would take it out on the next best thing. "I thought I told you that if she was sent to Healy's office because of you that I would fucking kill you." Alex slammed Leanne against the wall again, sure that it would hurt in the morning. She pushed Nicky away from her with one hand. "See, I'm a little busy right now, but don't you worry; I will get you." Alex was about to slam her against the wall once again when she heard the worst possible sound.

"INMATES!" Mendez's voice was recognisable from anywhere and Alex dropped Leanne like a hot potato and turned to face the CO who was stomping towards them. Mendez grabbed Alex roughly and shoved her down on the ground, causing her to hit her chin on the way down. She grunted from the impact but knew better than to struggle against the cold steel that he was placing around her wrists. She cursed internally, feeling so stupid for risking going to SHU when Piper needed her. She stared up from her position on the floor and avoided Nicky's smug look of 'I told you so' and instead looked at Mendez who now seemed to be having an intense conversation with Red. She didn't know what Red said to him but the next moment he was walking back towards Alex and released her, pulling her up from the floor. Alex could taste the blood in her mouth where she had bitten on her tongue when she'd hit her chin but she stayed quiet and nodded obediently as Mendez warned her he wouldn't let her go next time. He took her out of the laundry room and led her to the dorms, Nicky and Red followed quickly and quietly. When Alex got back into the dorms she saw everyone's eyes on her, they all knew something was going on but nobody knew what it was exactly. Alex had no doubts a variety of rumours would be started from the sight of her escort. She rolled her eyes and waited for Mendez to let her go as she entered her cube, he stared at her for a moment before turning sharply and strolling out, hands in his belt.

"The fuck was that about?" Piper demanded, apparently finding her voice now.

Alex clenched her jaw and turned around just in time to see Red trying to usher Piper out of the cube. "Oh, so now you're talking to me, huh."

Red stopped and looked back at Alex before sighing and throwing her hands up, "I give up.." She muttered before walking slowly out.

Piper glanced at Red as she walked out and then looked at Alex for a long moment. "You don't get to be mad at me, Alex."

Alex shook her head, "Don't I? After all that stuff you told me about Healy and then you get sent to see him and you don't return for fucking ages and when you come back you don't even so much as glance my way? I'm just meant to be okay with that am I?"

Piper shrugged. "I'm dealing with it."

Alex wanted to laugh, really hardcore laugh because it all sounded to ridiculous to her. "How the fuck are you handling this Piper? Because those bruises all over you are not what I would call handling it."

Piper looked up at Alex again, anger flashing in her blue eyes. "I'm handling it a lot better than you clearly, what the hell do you think you're doing? Trying to beat down on Pennsatucky and Leanne as if that's going to help."

Alex didn't even flinch at Piper's accusations and instead sneered at her, folding her arms over her chest. "I'm dealing with it." She mimicked Piper's words.

"Jesus Christ." A voice mumbled from behind them, making the two of them jump. They had forgotten that Nicky was standing there. "You two are the worst kind of fucked up that I have ever seen." She laughed at them and then walked out, shaking her head.

Alex chuckled despite herself and when she looked back at Piper she saw she was smiling too. Alex took a step towards Piper and hugged her, burying her face in the golden hair that reminded her of days spent on beaches and in king sized beds with billowy white sheets between them. She sighed, "What are we doing Piper?" She asked quietly.

She felt Piper shrug. "We're doing what we always do; fuck up."

Alex chuckled again and nodded, planting a kiss on Piper's neck. She wanted nothing more than to stay here like this forever with her, she knew she had to find some way to keep Piper safe but she needed to be smart about it because there was no way she was going to be able to do that from the SHU. As Alex stood there with Piper safely nestled in her arms, the cogs of her brain began to whir and formulate a plan that would keep her golden haired beauty safe from the dirty clutches of people like Healy and Pennsatucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in a while but I have been busy with studying and binge watching the new season of OITNB. Have to say that I for sure had a bit of a love/hate relationship with this season and there was no where near enough Laura Prepon in this season to fill my craving for Vauseman but the Vauseman scenes that we got were pretty perf :D Starting to regret watching all of season 2 in two days because now I have to wait a whole year for season 3 D: Anyway, please let me know what you guys think of this chapter - trying to get back into this story without deviating from it too much based on what I've seen in season 2. As always, please review and thanks for reading!


	20. Fangs

_Perfectly able to hold my own hand,_   
_But I still can't kiss my own neck._   
_I wanted to give you everything,_   
_But I still stand in awe of superficial things._

* * *

Alex stood still, holding onto Piper tightly. She took a deep breath before pulling away slightly so she could look into Piper's face. "Why do you always run away?" She asked quietly.

Piper stared at Alex silently, emotions playing on her face. "I was scared Alex." She mumbled eventually.

Alex shook her head, "So that means you always have to leave?" She retorted a little sourly.

Understanding flashed across Piper's face and the blonde reached up to cup Alex's face in her hands. "I stand by my decision to leave, Alex."

Alex pulled away from Piper but not enough that she would lose contact with her and shook her head again. "Don't you think you could have at least waited a little longer before you did go though?" Alex asked, she had known that she would have to rehash the past with Piper at some point and she wouldn't be able to let it go until she understood why Piper had chosen that moment to leave her.

Piper sighed quietly and dropped her eyes to where Alex's hands still lay on her waist. "I was scared Alex, I was scared that you would get caught or that I was just going to become another one of your drug mules but what scared me most was that I would have  _done_  it eventually because I love you so  _fucking_   _much_  that I would have done it because it meant I got to be with you just that little bit longer and that was  _so_  much better than the alternative. So yes, I stand by leaving and whilst my timing was so fucking  _bad_  I knew that I had to follow through with my decision, because if I didn't I know I wouldn't have been able to leave if I didn't go right then, in that moment. I couldn't live, I couldn't  _survive_ , on that fear anymore, Alex." Piper's eyes travelled back up to Alex's. The emotion and honesty were as clear as day in both her words and the sad expression she wore on her face.

"I would have given you the world, Pipes." Alex mumbled, her voice hoarse.

"I didn't  _want_  the world, Alex. I wanted  _you_." Piper responded softly, once again caressing Alex's cheek.

Alex nodded once. "So you left."

"So I left." Piper repeated. "But you know what? I would  _still_  do it. I would still carry drugs around the world if it meant I got even a  _second_  longer with you."

Alex gave a small smile and bent her head down to meet Piper's lips in a small and gentle kiss. "I love you Piper Chapman."

Piper kissed her again and smiled. "I love you too."

"So tell me what he did to you in there."

Piper's whole body went rigid and she tried to tug herself away from Alex but Alex held onto her tightly. "No Piper, you are not fucking running away from this again."

Piper's jaw clenched. "He just knocked me around a bit, not as bad as last time."

Alex nodded stiffly and released Piper. "I have to go to work," She lied easily. "Go and get some rest."

Piper looked at Alex warily. "Please promise me you'll just leave it Alex. Don't do anything stupid."

Alex smiled at Piper the best she could, "When do I  _ever_  do anything stupid Pipes?" She sauntered off towards the laundry room and once she was in the safe confines of the damp and dull room she kicked the nearest machine as hard as she could. "God fucking damn it!" She glared at Pennsatucky and Leanne who were looking smugly at her from across the room but made no move to go near them, she didn't care about them anymore. She needed to tear out the root of the problem and watch it as it burned. "Better watch your fat ass Healy." She muttered, picking up the nearest shirt to her and beginning to fold it.

Alex had finished half of her quota for the day and figured she would risk the shot she would get for unfinished work if it meant she got to beat on Healy for a while. She chucked the shirt she held back into the pile and walked out of the laundry room. The corridors were mostly empty, many of the inmates were still out working. She trotted quickly down to Healy's office and was glad to see his door half open and the tell tale glow of his lamp filtered out from the gap. She entered without knocking and shut the door behind her, the noise made Healy look up. His features clouding when he saw Alex and he jutted up his chin almost defensively.

"What are you doing in here, inmate?"

"I came to talk to you." Alex said innocently, making her way over to Healy's desk.

He nodded stiffly. "I'm not your counsellor inmate. Exit the office and return to work immediately before I write you a shot." He commanded.

"I don't think that's what you want to do." Alex retorted, her own tone darkening now.

Healy looked confused for a moment but realisation settled upon his features eventually. Alex looked at him, smugly, as realisation was replaced with fear. Alex knew she was intimidating and played it to her advantage.

"I would like to know, Mr. Healy, why you think it's okay to abuse my girlfriend. Oh yeah, I know about  _everything_  that you've done to her, I mean, took me a while to get it all out of her but I managed it eventually. So I know about how you hit her, threatened her and then even tried to shove your  _fat little dick_  into her. Bet you regret that though, huh? She remembered those wonderful self-defense classes I made her go to see, you're kinda lucky she didn't  _rip_  it off really." Alex stated calmly, masterfully disguising the red hot burning anger she felt inside.

Healy stared at her, dumbstruck, mouth half open. "I..I...I didn't!" He eventually managed to spout out.

Alex smiled at him, and placed her hands on his desk, pushing a few of those stupid bobble headed figurines he kept onto the floor. "You keep saying that, it's only going to get worse for you.."

Healy seemed to regain some of his composure. "I'll get you sent down to max if you so much as even lay a  _finger_  on me Vause." He spat.

"Wasn't planning on it." Alex admitted, shrugging gently. "I was actually thinking something a little more extravagant."

Healy opened his mouth to reply but Caputo burst into the office then, "Sam. We need you in the kitchens, something about oil and flour; I don't know. Just fix it."

"Catch you later,  _Sam_." Alex smirked, walking out of the small office and back towards the laundry room. She was annoyed that she didn't get to actually do anything to Healy but the extra time gave her a chance to really fuck him over; an added bonus. Healy still wasn't back in his office after she had finished work so she headed straight for the canteen instead, she got her tray and sat down beside Nicky, who she was pretty sure was playing footsie with Morello under the table. She ate quietly for a while, barely looking up from her tray as people entered and left. Now that she had been given some time to calm down she was regretting the threats she had made, Healy had the power to just make something up and send her off to SHU for god knows how long. Piper sat down opposite Alex and nudged her leg to get her attention. Alex looked up and smiled at the blonde, searching her face for any kind of new trauma. She hadn't thought about that either, if she did something to Healy and got sent to SHU for it; Piper was fucked. Piper didn't bother talking to Alex over the table, instead they settled for the minimal contact of knee on knee as they ate until Alex had finished and got up to head back to her cube. She sat heavily on her bed, weighed down by the new burden that she had created for herself and sighed, grabbing her paper and a pencil.

_4 months, 1 week and 2 days._

_Dear Pipes,  
I'm pretty sure that these are going to get more frequent now because I feel like I'm fucking up again and I for sure can't talk to you about it because I know the second that I try I'll just balk and say 'fuck it'. I know that things are as far from easy or pleasant or even okay for you right now and I'm doing my best to stay strong for you and not to do anything stupid. Well, maybe I'm not trying as hard as I could be at that second bit. I was so close to fucking up Leanne, not that she didn't deserve it for ratting you out. Pennsatucky is lucky I couldn't get my hands on her. I think I might have really fucked up this time though, Pipes. For me and you. After you told me what he'd done to you.. I just couldn't think straight and I felt so fucking angry, at him and at myself because I can't protect you in here. No matter how hard I try I can't. It's my fault you're in here and now it's my fault that he's doing all of this shit to you. Pipes I went to see him and I threatened him and he's probably going to throw me in the SHU and it's going to be so much worse for you._

_Piper, I know that this really doesn't mean anything to you now, but I am so sorry. You told me not to do anything stupid and I couldn't see past you not wanting me to get thrown in SHU. I didn't think about the implications that it would have on you; fuck, I never do. I want you to know that I forgave you a long time ago for leaving me and whilst I didn't feel good about it and I was still pissed at you for doing it when you did, I didn't hate you for it. If anything all I wanted was to have you back in my arms and when I couldn't have that I settled for being numb. I know the track record is shit, but I really do love you._

_I'm so_

As if the COs had been reading her letter as she was writing it, right on time Healy and Bennett arrived at the entrance to her cube. She left the letter on her bed and stood up, locking eyes with Piper briefly before looking at Healy solidly. She nodded at Bennett and held out her arms so she could be cuffed. Of course he was sending her to SHU. She closed her eyes as Bennett tugged her arms around to her back and felt the cold steel encircle her wrists. He pushed her gently to tell her to start walking and she opened her eyes again, looking apologetically at Piper before gesturing to Nicky to go to her bunk and read the letter, maybe if Nicky knew what she had done she could help protect Piper. Just before she was led out of the dorm Alex glanced behind her and saw both Piper and Nicky reading the letter. She sighed but held her head high as she was marched out to the van and taken back to SHU.

"Enjoy your stay." Healy grinned as he shut the door of the tiny cell.

Alex stayed silent as she stood in the middle of the box. She looked around and pushed down the panic she felt from being in here again, she took a deep breath and let her mind shut off. Only focusing on picking back the routine she had made all that time ago the last time she'd gotten stuck in here. "It's going to be okay." Alex muttered. "It's going to be okay."

Alex couldn't help but imagine what Piper felt as she was reading that last letter. She hoped Nicky would help her. Alex hated herself for being so irresponsible and selfish, she hadn't thought about Piper when she was in Healy's office. Not once. It was just about quelling her anger, it was about her. As usual. She crawled onto the floor and planted the heels of her boots on the floor, starting her routine of sit-ups. Each time she sat up she would think about what Piper might say to her when she got out and each time she went down again she would push it away. She couldn't focus on the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' they would send her mad. She needed to stay strong in here, she needed to be okay because she will have to deal with the mess she's made when she gets out of this place. Alex grunted against the strain she could already feel in her stomach, she'd gotten out of practice. She pushed on, focusing on the burn in her muscles and only allowing herself a five second rest after she had finished the 100 sit-ups before moving on to doing push ups. Alex couldn't protect Piper all the time, that was true. She was going to make damn sure she could protect her when she was with her at least.

**3 weeks later.**

Alex stepped back into the prison, taking a deep breath of the familiar smell she had grown to miss. Prison smell was far from pleasant but it was home. She walked towards the suburbs and was glad to see all of her stuff still in her cube, although Leanne's was gone. Not that Alex particularly cared about that. The dorm was empty due to it being dinner time, despite being hungry Alex decided to skip dinner. She wasn't sure she was ready to see Piper yet; she didn't know what she would find and whatever it was she was going to find she sure as hell didn't want an audience. Instead, she chewed on the inside of her cheek and sat on her bed, waiting. She soon heard the chatter of voices that meant the women were returning from dinner and she sat up, staring at the doors that led into the dorm waiting for Piper to appear. When Piper didn't appear, Alex frowned and got up. Maybe Piper had gone to the rec room? It wasn't the semi-privacy that the dorms would give them but she couldn't stand waiting anymore. She had to stop pussyfooting around this. Alex walked quickly to the rec room and looked through the window. Piper, Nicky and Morello were sat around the scrabble table laughing. Alex smiled but hid herself around the corner, she was glad to see that Piper looked happy and from what she had seen through the window she looked healthier than before.

"Hey Vause." Nicky's voice echoed through the corridor.

"Oh, hey Nicky." Alex responded, eyeing her warily.

"Chill out. Why are you hiding out here?"

Alex shrugged.

"Aww, how sweet. Not ready to face your girl yet? I get it. Well, no I don't actually because you kinda fucked up."

Alex looked at Nicky wide-eyed then. "Did he-"

Nicky held up a hand to tell Alex to be quiet. "He didn't do anything to her after you got carted away, she was pretty fuckin' upset though and that was a pain in my ass to deal with."

Alex sighed relieved. "Is she mad at me?"

Nicky chuckled, "No. But she's going to be if you keep hiding from her."

Alex smiled and followed Nicky into the rec room, she sat down on a chair Nicky had pulled up for her and said hello to Morello before locking eyes with Piper.

"Pipes I am so sorry.." Alex began.

"Alex. Stop, it's okay. I'm just glad you're fine." Piper cut her off, squeezing her hand before returning her attention to the scrabble game in front of her.

Alex nodded and watched them play for a while, Morello was struggling and Alex leaned round to look at her letters and help her out - earning protests from both Nicky and Piper. Alex laughed, once again letting the relief fill her with that cheap high that things were still going to be okay and maybe, just maybe, she had actually managed to do something semi-right for a change. Maybe Healy really would leave Piper alone now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, shortish chapter today. I couldn't think of the best way to end this chapter so I ended up with that and whilst I'm not totally happy with it I seriously can't re-write it anymore than that. Hope you guys are having a good week, as always please leave a review and thanks for reading!


	21. The Silence

_I'm buried in this house,_   
_I'll never leave this floor._   
_A page full of je t'aime's for you,_   
_I know I should have said it more._

* * *

_2 months, 1 day_.

There were 4 different kinds of silence. The first was the kind of silence where you were on your own or in a quiet place, reading, writing or thinking. Nobody is speaking but somehow the world is speaking to you as you get lost in the page of a book or lost in the words that spew out onto the page through ink, even lost in the jungle of your own thoughts.

The second kind of silence is the comfortable one, the kind of silence where you're with someone you know better than you know yourself and you can just sit there for hours in silence, not needing to utter a single syllable because the silence says everything for you. It says all of your love, emotion and everything that you cannot find the words to say.

The third kind of silence is the painful silence; this silence is the type that makes you cringe both on the inside and out. The kind of silence that only appears when you've done or said something so incredibly stupid, or hurtful, or selfish that there are no longer any words to describe just how much you have done wrong and so only the silence pertains, telling you and torturing you at the same time.

The final kind of silence is the eternal silence. This kind of silence is not one that many people get to experience many times in their life, some only once; or twice if they're lucky. This kind of silence is the strangest because it is neither good nor bad, it is neither welcome or unwelcome. It is stuck in a strange grey area that you have to tiptoe around for fear of disturbing the delicate balance that creates it. This is the type of silence that only occurs when you have witnessed or been a part of something so great and something life-changing that the silence falls and lasts a lifetime because in that moment you cannot bring yourself to disturb it by saying the words that form slowly in your brain. You keep that memory, that silence, instilled in your brain for a lifetime. This is the kind of silence that Alex had heard twice already. Both times in the mere space of a few days. The first time she had experienced this silence was when Piper had left her alone in their apartment in Paris after her mom had died. Alex was so confused and hurt that she let the silence of the apartment close around her like a suffocating blanket, she couldn't even bring herself to cry. The second time she heard that silence was at her mom's funeral, she had been standing at the foot of her mom's coffin, the whole church waiting for her words but all Alex could do was stare at them. Everything she had planned to say was lost in space and time as that silence wrapped around her again, this time a warmer and more welcome cushion and everyone seemed to understand what it meant because one by one they smiled at Alex and nodded.

It was with this knowledge that Alex walked into the dorms and turned to see Piper sitting on her bunk, waiting. Alex had experienced all four kinds of silence with Piper before and each had made her as giddy as the next. It hadn't taken her long to realise that she was in love with Piper the first time, she had been so afraid to admit it to herself and to Piper that she tucked it away; convincing herself that she could just ignore it until Piper said it first. Alex had no qualms with admitting her love for Piper now, it was a burden and a blessing to her. She took a shaky breath and started towards Piper's cube, each slow step Alex forced herself to remember something about Piper that she loved.

One step, Piper's smile. Two steps, Piper's laugh. Three steps, Piper's strange courage. Four steps, Piper's eyes. Five steps, Piper's smell. Six steps, Piper's humour. Seven steps, Piper's ability and inability to love. Eight steps, Piper's sense of adventure. Nine steps, Piper's innocence. Ten steps, Piper's skin and the way it felt on her own. Ten steps,  _Piper_.

On that thought, Alex had stepped into Piper's cube and she stared into the blue hues of the girl she loved more than anyone before or after. Alex stared and mentally photographed each slight change in colour of her eye, the way her pupils grew big at the sight of Alex and the way the blue seemed to light up, as if someone had lit a fire behind them. The second silence greeted Alex with open arms like an old friend as it settled between them just as Piper's hand travelled up to caress Alex's cheek. Alex leaned into Piper instead and marvelled at the way Piper's skin seemed to meld with her own, as if Piper was a part of her and they were two parts of the same body; each more fucked up than the other and yet somehow coming together to create something that was so flawed and yet so perfect. Alex was lost once again in the ocean of Piper's eyes, the stormy blue seas that had first captured her so many years ago had long been replaced with calmer and lighter tones. Piper's eyes still yearned for adventure, but it was adventure of a different kind. One that, all those years ago, Alex wouldn't have been able to give her. The adventure that Piper now craved was one of experience, love, life and family without all of the danger and risk. That was an adventure that Alex could see herself living now, as long as Piper was with her every step of the way.

They'd come so far to be where they were today. Alex could safely say that the Piper she knew now was not the one she had met ten years ago and she was not the Piper who had entered this prison with her safe, predictable and boring life safely intact. Piper was new and yet old. She was broken and fixed. She was everything at once, all consuming. She had consumed Alex in every way possible, happiness, sadness, anger, love and pain had all enveloped Alex at Piper's will and yet Alex never once found herself strong enough to stay away. Strong of will but not strong of heart, was something that registered with Alex immensely.

The world around them seemed to fade away completely as the silence was disturbed by the gentlest whispers of "I love you." That were accompanied by even gentler touches, a contrast to the fire that smouldered behind each woman's eyes. The words hadn't needed to be said at all but at the same time they were exactly what each of them had needed to hear, that almost inaudible reaffirmation of their love for each other allowed them to revel in the moment and just  _be_. There were no hidden intentions or ulterior motives, they were, for the first time in a very long time, just living in the moment for and with each other. The ever-advancing date that was to be their last day for who knows how long hung much like a heavy rain cloud over them, waiting to burst, but for now both of them could ignore it and stare through it and up into the stars instead.

Alex had wasted no time after she was released from SHU, she strayed far away from Healy and the meth-heads as she could because there would be no more wasted time for them. If Alex couldn't stay out of trouble for Piper then she would do it for herself so that she could get out early. Discussions about what had happened to Piper at the hands of Healy were brief but the offered some closure for the two of them, Piper wasn't called into Healy's office anymore and only went to see him when she had to. The door was always left open. There was a gentle hum of happiness that seemed to float around the prison because for the first time things actually seemed to be somewhat peaceful. Hushed talks about the future and what waited for them outside of the grey walls took place almost every night, sometimes Nicky and Lorna would join in too and they would plan days out in London where they would simply do nothing and just enjoy their freedom without the pressures of work, money or due dates. Alex actually felt hopeful.

Alex settled onto Piper's bunk and lay beside her, being the blonde's big spoon. Bennett ignored them as always. Alex marvelled again at the way Piper's body curved perfectly to mold into Alex's, not a single part of them went without contact from the other person. Alex was engulfed by the smell of Piper and she allowed it to saturate into her clothes, her hair, her skin. Every part of her craved Piper's presence. With Piper's back to her, Alex felt courage that she had never felt before and placed her lips to Piper's ear.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Piper Chapman. No one else has ever made me feel this way and I don't think anyone ever will. It's always been you Pipes, I was stupid to ever think otherwise." The words toppled out of her mouth much like baby birds fell from the nest, sometimes accidental, sometimes willingly and sometimes forced. She felt the kind of freedom that the bird would feel as it dropped through the air, as if her words were her feeble wings and she was trying to fly she only hoped that her wings would hold and that she would not feel the ground beneath her once again.

Piper turned to face Alex with a slowness that felt everlasting. Icy blue eyes had turned warm, as if heated by the sun and fresh diamonds fell like rain from the corners. Alex kissed them away and smiled, she didn't need Piper to say anything because her silent response had meant more than words. So it was with this that the fourth silence fell upon them and enveloped them into a safe cocoon woven from promises of the future and apologies from the past. The silence whispered quiet stories of adventures to come and all of the possibilities that lay before them on a smorgasbord that was their world. They had been given another chance, a chance to start over. Clean slates with no repercussions to any crime following them like a dark shadow. They were finally going to be allowed to live however they wanted. Slow or fast; they could control the speed with which they led themselves. The silence was gentle and caressed them, soothing them until their breaths united into a slow and steady rhythm of in and out. Out and in.

It was with a heavy heart that Alex pulled herself out of that cocoon so she could go and do her work. She left with the unspoken promise of later. They still had time. After work had trudged by with all the speed of a slug high on pot, Alex had walked to the phones and dialled her lawyers number.

"Have you heard?"

A laugh from the other side of the line. "Someone's eager... Yes, I have."

"And?" Her impatient voice returned.

"We did it! Well,  _I_  did it."

"How much?"

"You'll be out of there in another two years."

Alex smiled, "Thank you."

"No thank  _you_! Those extra names you supplied of the people who actually mattered a little bit made my job so much easier. Take care of yourself, Alex." Her lawyer said, happily, before hanging up.

Alex felt both happy and uneasy at the same time. She'd had to give over some of the other importer's names when the mules hadn't cracked up for much and she hoped that it wouldn't cause too much trouble for her. Still, she was going to get out not long after Nicky now and soon enough they would all be able to start their new life in London. Just like they had planned. Alex walked down towards the canteen and got her tray, sitting down at the table she grinned at her fellow inmates. She told them the good news and she saw that both Nicky and Lorna were relieved that she wouldn't be in there longer than Nicky but also that she wasn't getting out before her either. Dinner was average, they all talked amongst themselves quietly and happily, making jokes and laughing at one another's expense.

Once dinner had finished Nicky and Lorna followed Alex and Piper into the rec room where Fischer was standing on duty. They settled around the scrabble table although none of them had the intention of playing. Alex and Piper shuffled the makeshift letters around, spelling author and poet names alike whilst they watched Nicky and Lorna from the corners of their eyes.

Nicky had Lorna's hand clamped firmly in her own and was murmuring gentle jokes to the short brunette. The kinds of jokes that only she would understand and the types of jokes that made Lorna's face transform into a living sun. The warmth and happiness was practically emanating off of her and with each word or brush of Nicky's fingers along her skin Lorna only seemed to grow warmer. Lorna, Alex realised, was the type of person who needed that kind of unconditional love that Nicky offered her. It was what she needed to survive in what was this very harsh and fucked up world. It was something she thought that she'd had with Christopher but only realised what it really meant when she had opened her heart for Nicky. Nicky needed love too, of course, but it was a different kind of love. Nicky needed to look after Lorna but also seemed drawn to the simple honesty that Lorna's love held. Lorna didn't speak unnecessary words or exaggerated truths to make her love seem more profound. It just  _was_  and after all of the lies that Nicky's mother had imposed onto her, it was exactly what Nicky needed to survive, without drugs or any kind of numbing substance.

Alex and Piper shared a smile and drew themselves out of their own little world to drag Nicky and Lorna into it so that they could all spend time together. They would have plenty of time to get caught up in each other later. Soon enough, free time was over and they all headed back to the dorms. Alex gave Piper a brief kiss goodnight before she climbed into her bed and lay back, letting her mind drift as she pictured those blue eyes. Her thoughts but a small boat, sailing through them; carried by the wind.

_"Alex!" A deep voice exclaimed from behind her. Alex turned to look but could only see the darkness. "So good to see you, it's been so long..." The voice continued, seeming to echo all around her now._

_"Who are you?" She asked._

_"I'm hurt, I thought you would remember me. I mean, you put so much effort into getting the feds to take apart my organisation piece by piece..." Kubra hissed, suddenly in front of her._

_Alex narrowed her eyes. "I didn't give up anyone important." She defended herself, trying to take a step back but finding that her back was pressed against a wall._

_"No, you didn't." Kubra agreed, nodding slightly. "You just cost me a lot of money and hassle."_

_"I'm sorry, I needed to get time off of my sentence.."_

_"Oh, right. I heard all about that. You were always resourceful, Alex." Kubra commented, smiling sadistically and inching ever closer towards her. "It's such a shame that you put that resourcefulness to the wrong use because now I have to be resourceful..." He paused, eyes narrowing and his head seeming to grow slimmer, his skin slick, until he resembled his namesake; a cobra. "And cut my losses." He said, harshly._

_Alex stared at the snake in front of her, wide eyed and pleading as it lunged for her jugular._

Alex bolted upright, her t-shirt sticking to her body from the sweat. She was panting and took a moment to gather her thoughts. She was safe. She was in prison. It was just a dream. Alex couldn't shake the uneasy feeling the dream had granted her so she stood and made her way to the bathrooms, pushing past the few women who were already standing at the sinks she stripped quickly and climbed into the shower, letting the lukewarm water wash over her, cleaning herself from all of the worry. She was just being stupid, after she got out of here no one would know where she was. She hadn't given up anyone important and that was what mattered. That was what always mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, mostly narrative for this chapter but I felt like being all fluffy so here you go! I hope it wasn't too lame or boring with the lack of speech but I did my best to keep it a little interesting. Thanks so much for all of the kind reviews you've given me over the last few chapters, time is starting to go faster and I'm thinking about wrapping this story up soon. Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter and if my fluff was okay, lol, thanks for reading! :D


	22. Into Eternity

_All the years I miss your warmth_  
 _Have you missed my warmth?_  
 _On your island._

* * *

_1 month 27 days._

Alex stared at the empty wall in front of her, fingers drumming on the plastic surface of the visitation table, waiting for her lawyer. She sighed for the millionth time when she eventually saw him and she forced a small smile, he didn't offer one back.

"Alex, I have some bad news..."

...

_1 month 26 days._

"What do you mean you have to leave?"

"Piper, I don't have a choice here."

"Well I know but... what if you're not back before.."

"Please don't."

"What are you going to do?"

"Whatever it takes."

...

_1 month 25 days._

Thoughts raced through Alex's mind so fast she could barely latch onto them before the next one arrived. She had been called to testify against Kubra is Chicago. She was leaving in two weeks. Piper wasn't coming with her, not yet at least. Alex already knew she was in deep shit with the cartel for giving up more names but if she testified against Kubra then there would be no doubt that he would have her killed. She would just have to lie, risking her early release and possibly adding even more time to her sentence.

"Fuck!" She shouted, slamming a fist against the wall of her cube.

"Woah there, Vause." Nicky's voice called out from a few cubes over.

Alex sighed and pushed her glasses up. "My bad." She muttered in way of apology.

"I heard about Chicago, rough deal." Nicky's voice was growing closer.

Alex merely nodded.

"Can I give you some advice?"

Alex shrugged, finally looking up at her.

"Don't do anything stupid. Like, lie for example. I don't think Chapman would survive hearing that you gotta spend another 5 years in here."

Alex laughed humorlessly and shook her head, "I think she would do better than if I turned up dead in an alleyway somewhere because I didn't lie."

Nicky shrugged, "Yeah well, just be careful okay. God knows nobody wants to deal with a hysterical Chapman."

Alex smiled as Nicky walked off. Piper appeared at the entrance to her cube a few minutes later, she hovered there just looking at Alex. Alex arched a brow, "Seriously? Are you still waiting for me to invite you in?"

Piper blushed and walked into the cube, sitting at the end of bed and fidgeting with her hands. Alex rolled her eyes and placed her own had on top of them to still them. "What's wrong?" She asked after a moment.

Piper sighed, "Alex you're leaving."

Alex smirked, "10 out of 10 on your observation skills, kid."

Piper ignored Alex's jab. "To testify against your fucking drug lord dealer king or whatever the fuck he is!"

Alex stayed silent this time, despite the fact she had wanted to laugh at Piper's desperate attempt to use the correct term. She sensed Piper was getting flustered and rubbed her thumb over the top of Piper's hand in an attempt to soothe the blonde.

"And now I have no idea what's going to happen to you or if you'll be back before I leave - if you're even going to be back here at all! Alex, I'm going to be out of my mind the whole time you're gone."

Alex chuckled quietly and shrugged, "It's probably good life experience."

Piper almost smiled at the memory Alex's words provoked before her expression turned hard and she jerked her hands away from Alex's grasp. "Alex, you don't understand." Piper's tone took on one of exasperation and exhaustion. "I was out of my mind about where you were for the whole time we were together and you were gone from sunrise to sunset. That is not something I want to relive."

Alex nodded, realisation settling over her. "I'm sorry." She said quietly, because at this point what else could she say? "I know it fucking sucks but I don't have any choice but to go, they won't let anything bad happen to me - as long as I don't say anything against Kubra then I'll be safe and back here in no time at all."

Piper sighed and leaned into Alex. "I hope so."

Alex ran a hand up Piper's arm and dipped her head down to kiss the blonde.

...

_1 month 24 days._

Alex was sat in the visitation room again, waiting for her lawyer. She felt a strange jolt of deja vu. When she eventually saw her lawyer, she didn't offer a smile like she had this time; instead she looked over him and noted down all of the obvious signs of his stress. Silver hairs threaded through his normally raven black hair, lines forming across his forehead from where he'd been frowning too much.

"Alex." He greeted her as he sat in the plastic chair opposite her own.

Alex offered nothing in reply.

"Listen, I know what you told me last time - about not being able to tell the truth against Kubra but..."

"But what? But you want me to risk my life anyway?" Alex interrupted, narrowing her eyes in annoyance at the man.

"No.." He took a breath and leaned forward. "Kubra is going away for sure, all they need is for you to testify and tell the truth to put him away for good." He paused, scratching at the faint stubble on his chin. "They're offering you a plea bargain."

Alex sat back in her chair, folding her arms over her chest. She wasn't surprised that they would stoop to those levels to get her to tell the truth. "What? I've already got my sentence shortened, I don't really need them to take off an extra 6 months." She smirked.

He shook his head and smiled coyly. "They're offering you an immediate release on probation."

This time, Alex's brows shoot up showing her surprise. She stayed quiet for a moment, looking around the dingy room. She could be free of all of this in a few weeks. Piper wouldn't have to wait 2 extra years for her to get out, she would have to wait a month for Piper and then they would be together again. No rules, no unlockable doors, no schedule to keep or guards with ever watching eyes. She could be free.  _They_  could be free. "And he's going away? For sure? Like, forever?" Alex asked.

Her lawyer smiled a little smugly, knowing that he had already won Alex over. "He'll be behind bars for the rest of his life. He won't be able to touch you."

Alex nodded, her own smile forming. "Fine, I'll take it." She and her lawyer stood, shaking hands and exchanging polite smiles before going their separate ways. Alex could feel the hope bubbling inside her like boiling water, spitting to the surface and seeping out of her pores. She and Piper could have a life beyond all of this, a life where they wouldn't have to worry about drug lords or correctional officers. A normal life.

Piper was ecstatic when Alex told her about the deal, urged her to take it. They spent the next hour before count planning what they would do when Piper was out - the first thing being to get the largest slice of pizza they could find. They decided to hang around in New York whilst they waited for Lorna and Nicky to get out and then they would get far away from all and any memories of Litchfield and past lives and start fresh in London. It was what everyone needed. What they all wanted.

After count, when Alex was finally alone, she lay content in her bunk thinking about how everything was going to be perfect (or at least as close to perfect as a bunch of ex-cons living in another country could get). It wasn't until the heavy weight of sleep started to close down upon her that her brain finally kicked into action, uttering what-ifs and buts. Alex did her best to push them out, ignore them. Pretend that they didn't exist. Still, when she woke in the morning she couldn't escape the feeling that all of this would never be as simple and easy as it seems.

...

_1 month._

Alex stood outside the courthouse, hands stuffed into the pockets of her jacket whilst she breathed in the clear, cold, Chicago air. Something fluttered through her that was a strange mix of nervousness and excitement. Glancing behind her one last time, eyes lingering on the stone building a while longer, before she followed her lawyer to the car that was waiting to take her back to New York.

The car ride was quiet, filled with the gentle mumblings of her lawyer as he periodically answered calls from his phone. Alex watched the city go by, feeling a little more free with every mile they drove. Kubra was no longer a problem. Alex could live her life, free as an ex-con bird.

"I trust you know the terms of the deal by now, yes?" Her lawyer reiterated once they arrived at the airport.

Alex nodded, "Know 'em off by heart."

The man smiled at her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Don't fuck this up, Vause. Who knows if I'll get another shot at a deal like this again."

"I won't mess up, don't worry. Seriously though, thanks for everything."

"Just doing my job. Good luck out there, Alex."

Soon enough Alex was left alone to board the plane, still guarded by a police chaperone but nonetheless that much more free without the constraints against her ankles and wrists. She watched the land slowly vanish into the distance as the plane rose and she finally felt all of the sleep she had missed over those past few weeks catch up to her. Her last thought before her eyes fluttered shut was Piper.

* * *

_2 years later._

Alex walked briskly down the snow covered streets of New York, rubbing gloved hands together and watching as her breath floated ahead of her before floating up into the clouds. All four of them; Nicky, Lorna, Piper and Alex were leaving tomorrow morning for their flight to London. For the journey towards the rest of their lives.

Alex and Piper had been living in a kind of post-prison honeymoon period, one that was only amplified when Lorna was released and later Nicky. They had roamed the streets of New York, floating on Alex's saved money and Nicky's ' _oh you're out of prison now_ ' money that her mother had transferred into her account. None of them had bothered to get jobs and, with the help of Alex's lawyer, she had managed to get both Lorna and Nicky's probation lowered substantially so that they could make their new starts as soon as possible. Admittedly, it hadn't been easy for any of them to transition back into normal life. Alex knew that she had gotten extremely lucky considering her sentence ended up being shorter than Pipers, even if it was only by an extra month. The first month of freedom had been incredibly lonely for Alex. She had been under the constant glare of the lights for so long that she was afraid of the dark, she didn't often leave the apartment for the simple fact that she had no reason to unless it was visitation day. She agreed to Piper's terms of only visiting once a week until she got out because Alex apparently ' _had to have a life outside of her_ ' yet Alex had only found herself agreeing so that Piper wouldn't worry. Alex didn't have a life outside of Piper, not anymore. Prison had taken all of that away from her. It had taken going to prison for Alex to realise that she didn't have any friends, not really. They were all tied up in the ring, all in it for the perks. Her only friends were still stuck behind those grey walls and barbed wire fences, holding onto a dream of reality that Alex had helped provide for them.

When Piper got out it was even harder at first. She had to adjust again, from the constant silence that she endured before to the noise of another person. It had only been a month that she was living on her own and it surprised her at just how quickly she had gotten used to being on her own. Piper stayed over at Alex's most nights despite having her own room at her parent's place. Alex couldn't hide her relief that Piper was there with her. They finally were allowed to be free, to love each other without restraint and without caution. The first week, they barely left the bed. The first month, they only left the apartment to buy groceries.

Lorna was the first to join them after Piper and it was a little awkward at first, adapting to having another person in the apartment. Having to restrain themselves from touching each other at all times. Piper was the one who mostly dealt with the comforting side when it came to Lorna. She missed Nicky like hell for the first few months. Alex had to admit that she herself was worried about Nicky, even if she did still have Red in there, undoubtedly all of Nicky's closest friends had left her and Red was the only one she had left. Alex had faith enough that the Russian would keep her in check until her release date. Lorna spent much of the first month in Brooklyn with her family, returning often late at night furious and slamming the door. Alex came to understand that Lorna's family didn't quite get the whole ' _finding true love in prison_ ' thing and that the fact that she had fallen for a woman was even harder for them to accept. Lorna's sister, Frannie, came round to the apartment a few times once things had settled somewhat. Those visits were often tense and awkward, the older Morello clearly not comfortable still with Lorna's newfound life but, credit to her, she was doing her best to accept her little sister and her friends for who they were. Thoughts about Nicky's reactions to all of this often made Alex chuckle to herself. She did miss her crazy haired best friend, as loathe she was to admit it.

After a whole year of dealing with Lorna's third-wheeling Nicky was finally released and the apartment became a war zone. Not that any of them were fighting but rather that Nicky and Lorna tore the apartment up having sex on every single available surface. It was ridiculous really. Alex and Piper, tired of walking in on the constant love fest that Nicky and Lorna had become, eventually decided to evacuate the apartment for a week and lived out of a suitcase in a nearby hotel. That hotel room became their own little war zone. Somehow, they all managed to live mostly harmoniously together. Aside from Nicky constantly calling out Piper's bullshit and Piper educating everyone on things that, really, nobody should know. Arguments were kept to a minimum and were always solved in the same day. It seemed that they no longer had anything to fight about, they all had what they wanted, for the most part at least. This was better that any of them could have dreamed to have once prison was over for them and to think that it was only going to get better from there kept everyone in high spirits.

...

Alex jogged up the steps into the building, trotting up the short flight of stairs that led to her apartment. She could hear the noise emitting from behind the closed door as she entered the hallway and rolled her eyes. Music bounced off of the walls and Lorna's terrible, high-pitched squealing (that she had the audacity to call singing) floated chaotically to Alex's ears. Grimacing she opened the door and walked in, mentally preparing herself for the chaos within.

Piper was drunk, as usual, dancing on their small and rickety coffee table in the middle of the living room. Nicky was lying on the couch, wriggling and grappling her stomach as she fought against the fits of laughter that erupted from her mouth. Lorna was grinning, ear to ear, eyes locked onto Nicky as she belted out Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen on the karaoke machine. Alex laughed, shaking her head and thanking whatever Gods that may exist that their neighbours had moved out last week. She dumped her bag by the door, closing it behind her and made a beeline for the kitchen to grab herself a cold beer. It didn't take long for Piper to stumble in behind her.

"Alex!" The blonde squealed, drunken slur hidden by her happiness at the sight of her girlfriend.

Alex smiled, turning to look at Piper. "Hey babe."

"We started the party without you," Piper giggled, leaning lazily against a counter.

"I can see that." Alex arched a brow, eyes flickering past the blonde and to the semi-quiet living room where Lorna was no doubt by now collapsed on top of Nicky on the couch. "Too bad, you know how much I love your singing."

Piper grinned and shook her head. "Don't try to be a smartass with me, Alex Vause. I know you don't appreciate the art that is my singing when I'm sober, let alone when I'm completely off my face."

Alex chuckled, placing her beer down behind her and moving closer to her girlfriend. "At least a part of you knows that you're shit at singing. The first step to beating denial is admittance, baby."

Piper hits Alex's arm playfully. "Asshole."

"You love it."

...

_2 months later._

_Tell my friends I'm gone, it's true._  
 _I've passed on now_  
 _To the eyes of a dark, lost blue._  
 _I don't believe you,_  
 _Falling in deep_  
 _Sleep._  
 _Out of control._  
 _Can you feel it?_  
 _Is this the end of the road?_

The small box in Alex's pocket felt like it weighed a tonne. She stood not five meters from the apartment debating what she was going to say to Piper. Her hand reached into her pocket and touched the offending item again, pulling it out to observe it. Inside the red velvet box lay a small, simplistic ring. It was still beautiful, no doubt about that, and had the price tag to match but it wasn't anything too flashy. It was perfectly Piper. Alex knew that it was time she made some extra show of commitment to Piper, marriage had actually been on the table for a long time but Piper was so content with their new life in England that she hadn't pushed the topic and so it was Alex who was making the first move. Deep down she knew that she had no reason to be nervous, of course Piper would say yes. Still, she knew that once she proposed there really would be no backing out now. For either of them. They would be tied together, bound by law. That was scary for anyone. It almost made Alex laugh, here she was settling and yet it still felt like she was free falling.

Movement from her apartment caught her eye and she saw a flash of blonde hair jog down the steps and down the street in the opposite direction from Alex. Knowing that her window of opportunity to ask before Piper went for her jog had passed, Alex sighed and walked back down the street, deciding to go over what she was going to say in the time she had to wait. In all of her concentrated self she didn't notice the two men who were shadowing her every step. In fact, she hadn't noticed that they'd been following her since she'd left the jewellers.

Alex found herself in Hyde Park just as the sun was beginning to set and knew that she should probably head back if she wanted to catch Piper before Lorna and Nicky got back for the night. She made another round of the deserted park, the ring box still clasped tightly in her hand. She glanced around, catching sight of two men who were walking a fair distance behind her, and carried on. Just as she was beginning to come closer to the exit of the park she stopped and looked behind her again, noting the men were still behind her but considerably closer than before. This made her frown and she held onto the box a little tighter. Pulling out her phone she dialled Nicky's number (she was still too nervous to call Piper) and made idle chit chat with her for a moment as she left the park and crossed the road. Five minutes into her walk she looked behind her again and saw that the men were still there.

"Nicky.."

"Yes, Vause?"

"Two guys have been following me for about an hour."

"Shit. You sure they're the same guys?"

"Positive."

"Fuck. Okay, uhh... Where are you? Me and Lorna will come pick you up."

"I'm walking along Kensington Road. Hurry the fuck up."

"On our way, don't stray too far and be fucking careful, okay?"

Alex hung up without replying, resisting the urge to quicken her step for fear that the men would realise she knew they were following her and do something rash but also that she would come to the end of the road and forced to turn off before Nicky arrived. She took several deep breaths, doing her best to focus on where she was going to help quell her panic. This was all useless however as moments later she heard the men's footsteps behind her. Not bothering to even look behind her she quickened her step, knuckles going white where she gripped the box in her hand.

"Hurry the fuck up, Nichols..." Alex muttered under her breath. Heart hammering against her ribcage.

Too soon Alex found herself approaching the end of the road and Nicky was still nowhere in sight. She turned hastily and, to her dismay, found herself walking down another deserted street. Where the fuck was everyone, tonight?

The men were even closer now, their shadows loomed over Alex, only amplified by the weak streetlamps above.

"Alex Vause?"

Alex's step faltered when they called her name and it was enough for them to grab her by each arm and drag her down a side road and into a darkened alleyway. Her phone vibrated in her pocket and Alex resisted the urge to call out, knowing that it would only make things worse for her.

"Who the fuck are you?" She demanded, glaring at the men, determined not to appear weak. Fuck them if they thought they were going to get anything out of her.

"Who we are doesn't matter," The man on the left replied as they shoved her roughly against the wall, knocking the air from her lungs. "All that really matters is that you're Alex Vause, and you, Alex Vause, have made some very big mistakes."

Alex felt her throat go instantly dry at their words. It had been years since she last thought of her 'mistakes' or rather, one in particular. "Kubra..." She managed to utter quietly.

The men smiled simultaneously and nodded. "Glad to see that you haven't forgotten."

Alex shook her head roughly, eyes glazing over. "No.. no... it's not possible.. he's in prison, in America... how did..." Alex pauses, struggling to regain her composure. "How did he find me.."

One man shrugs, "He's been out for quite some time. They reopened his case, it seems someone mishandled the evidence used against him."

"Fuck..." Alex finally comes to her senses and looks both straight in the eye. "You don't need to kill me, you know. You can just tell him that you did it and I'll disappear. He doesn't need to know."

The one on the left laughs at her and Alex flinches. She's not accustomed to begging but she knows that there is no alternative here. She either begs or dies. She'll take her wounded pride if it means she still gets to go home to Piper after it all.

"You don't lie to Kubra." The man says, tone steely and matter-of-fact.

Alex's heart drops, sinks and ebbs out of her feet. She knows it's true. She knows that Kubra would find out she hadn't been killed. You don't fuck with Kubra, you don't lie to Kubra and you certainly don't betray Kubra. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of his sick, twisted, revenge. Yet here Alex was. Eventually she nods, takes a deep breath to contain the sob she can feel building within her chest. "Can I make a call? I would like to say goodbye to my... to my Piper."

Both men are still for a moment, clearly not anticipating Alex's cooperation in her own death sentence. Eventually one shrugs and releases his grip so that she can get her phone. She pulls up Piper's contact, shows him the number so he knows she isn't calling the police and dials it.

"Alex?" Piper's voice rings out, rushed and out of breath. Alex knows she's only just finished her jog.

"Piper, I don't know if I have much time," Alex begins. Voice already shaking from the emotion held within. "I want you to know that I love you with everything that I am. You have made me so happy and such a better person than who I used to be.."

"Alex? What are you talking about? What's going on?"

"Piper. I need you to listen. Find Nicky, tell her that even though she's an ass I love her. Lorna too." Alex's voice is surprisingly calmer now, she closes her eyes. "You are my family, Pipes. I was hoping that one day I would get to call you my wife."

Piper's getting hysterical now, Alex can hear her typing frantically on a keyboard. "Alex I don't know what the fuck is going on but I'm going to come and get you. Stay where you are okay?"

Alex frowns. "Piper, you need to say it back."

"What?"

"Say it back."

"Oh fuck, I love you too Alex. More than you'll ever know."

Piper is rambling, something about 'find my iPhone' and how both she and Nicky are on their way to her. Alex doesn't really listen, she's too busy thinking about how she's glad she gets to die with Piper's voice in her ear.

"I love you so much Pipes." Alex utters as the first shot rings out. Alex immediately sinks to the ground but her hands hold steady to the ring and her phone. Piper is silent for only a moment on the other line.

"Alex?" Piper whispers after a moment. "Alex?! Oh God, Alex please tell me you're okay? Alex say something, baby."

There's a car in the background and Alex realises Piper is driving. She frowns, focusing on the wet warmth that's spreading across her stomach. "You shouldn't... be driving with your phone..."

Piper laughs although Alex can hear her tears through it. "Hold on Al, me and Nicky are almost there."

Alex smiles.

The second shot is fired but Alex no longer has the power to respond to Piper's frantic yammering. Her fingers go limp and lose their hold on both the phone and the ring box. They clatter, useless, to the ground. Deaf ears and cold eyes are met by the headlights of Piper's car and eventually her wild screams and pleas for Alex to be okay. Eventually Nicky arrives, she swears and kicks the wall before dragging Piper away and calling 999. Lorna is the last to leave the car, she walks hesitantly over towards Alex's still body and just observes. Her eyes land on the red box, dampened now by the spread of blood and she picks it up, opens it. Hand flying to her mouth as she realises what it is and she chokes back sobs.

"Oh Alex..." She whispers. "I'm so sorry, hun." With that, she leaves. Hands Piper the box and explains where she found it. Piper's screams turn into guttural cries and she crawls back towards Alex, falling limp over her lifeless body. Tears mixing with blood. Blue eyes staring at the last smile that graced Alex Vause's lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so first off, let me start by saying that I'm sorry! For many, many things. This chapter has been a long time coming and in all honesty, I'm not happy with it but I wanted to get it out because you guys have been so patient in waiting for it and I don't have it in me to keep you waiting any longer. I am also sorry for the way this story has ended, it was my intention to end it this way for quite a while but up until I actually wrote it, I wasn't sure if I was going to go ahead and do it. I also realise that everything is very rushed and that I probably could have gone into more detail about all of their lives after prison but most of it would have been fluff and with the detachment I ended up feeling towards this story, I didn't have it in me to write all of that. In saying that, I may contemplate a few one-shots where I write just random fluffy bits about what they all got up to in between leaving Prison and Alex meeting her demise. If this is something that you guys would like to see then please let me know and feel free to send me some prompts either here or on tumblr. ( insubordinateidiots. tumblr .com) Thank you all for following and reading this story. This was my first story that I have written both as fanfiction and in the OITNB/Vauseman fandom. I am eternally grateful to everyone who took the time to both review, comment and send me messages of encouragement and advice. I only hope that you can go on to appreciate my other stories, which are all much better than this, and that you don't hold this ending against me forever. (What can i say, I'm a sucker for angst and tragic heros.) Thanks for the journey guys, as always, please review and let me know what you think :D


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